Searching for;

Note to self: 

Stop getting so caught up in worrying about "what's going to happen next". 

The future will worry for itself. 

Too many times I get so worried about the future when the present is not even done passing yet. 

My auntie has made my weekend by randomly sending me photos of photos such as above, reminding me that I've actually been that happy before. Miss those days that just scoring a pretty dress from my grandpa would make my day. When learning how to tie my shoelaces was my biggest accomplishment yet. 

Contentment is key, people. It's hard to find it, but when you do-

you strike gold and everything shines that much brighter. 

Infatuated.

Who said infatuations aren't good for you?

They keep you occupied. They constantly fill up your mind. The smallest things they do or say has the ability to make you smile, and smiling is good, right? You have distractions from your bad thoughts. They give you something to look forward to. You try to dress better. You try to be the best that you can be, even if that isn't enough, you're still trying.They can be the hot topic between your friends that you can shamelessly go crazy about. They make you momentarily happy when you see them do something cute.

It's just an infatuation. A temporary, hopeless and useless crush that can make you feel all of this for a while, before everything dies out.

But even if it isn't enough-
I still tried.

"When you said your last goodbye, I died a little more inside."

well the skin over my bones
doesn't curve the way you'd like it to
and my skin's all shades of black and blue
stained with streaks of red ink too

but the insides of my chest
the beat beneath my breast
the parts of me that worked that still had worth
i gave to you
and now they're equally bruised

see i fell in love with a pretty boy
because for a while he did good for my damp and sore eyes
but he left me with words just as lovely as he was left me with a heart irrepaireably sore


Who said Singapore has no talent?

2544

I wish those feelings were back in place and we were still talking like back in 201X.
Those walls have gone so high up since then even in front of your friends you never let your guard down.

I let you in and you let me into your thoughts, feelings and all your stories. Somewhere along the way, immaturity, maybe got both of us back to stage one again. You closed up and I got tired trying the second time.

You fell for her first, i heard. She let you in and you gave everything that she ever wanted. But she never understood, nor did she realise that you take forever to open up to somebody. Because you're stubborn, cold hearted (just on the outside, really) and blunt. That's what you were and that's what i hated about you. And also what I liked about you.

And some things never change. 2 years in and you're still torn up about her. As crude as it sounds I guess karma goes back around huh, but it always hits worser than the first time. When I heard how you were doing, drinking as though it would solve anything, I missed the old you.

It was so simple back then, innocent even. It hurts me to know that you've closed up even tighter than before and even your friends find you unreachable. Was she really worth it? Is she really worth spending 2 years being depressed over her when she's happily attached to her boyfriend? Guess I'll never know because you walked out on us first. But its not your fault becuase I never dared to say anything and I always tend to run away from people. Is that what you're doing now? Because if I could, I would grab your shoulders and shake you screaming at you to wake the hell up because running away doesn't solve anything because I'm here and its not a great place to be at.

I barely think about you anymore. Maybe sometimes when I key in my password. But other than that, rarely. But when I do, i miss you. A little. And it scares me on how much has changed in just two short years. From talking on the phone every single night and texting every day for 4 months or so, to being complete strangers now. I don't even know who you are anymore. I knew who you were. And you knew who I was as well. I guess you could say we're even.

There's always someone who can draw you back in. 

Win some, lose some. If I hadn't lost, I wouldn't have gained. That's the blessing in disguise. 

BlessingS. 

Exceptionally thankful and grateful for the people that have been here for me the past few days- be it the friends in Singapore, or the ones here in Melbourne-  constantly showing me so much love I don't even deserve. Don't know what I did, but I'll just tell myself that I must've done something right. 

From the chocolates, drinks, the constant waking up (even though y'all are late for school), the messages, the encouragement, the oovoo calls and the texts. You all know who you are, so thank you.

I have forgotten, but now I am reminded of how friends can subconsciously save you from yourself. Thank you thank you thank you.   

Void

So just string a couple of complicated words together making it sound like there's some sort of wisdom to whatever you're saying. But in the end, you're just like the rest.

Aimless and empty.
There's something lacking and suddenly it doesn't really matter anymore. When did it ever, actually?

I need something to fill me up again.



“Dying
Is an art,
like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

 It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical Comeback in broad day
To the same place,
the same face,
the same brute
Amused shout: 'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.”

Suffocate.

It's only normal to need some assurance right? / No matter how much you hate being reassured because its shameless it's obsessive its weak / some part of you deep down really needs it / maybe not / maybe because you really are an attention seeker / seeking it from people that don't offer you what you need / desperate / shameless / reassurance / "I'll never get to"s all stuck up in my head / that dinner / call / to be like what it was

Promises were to easy to make but so hard to keep /We were both too afraid to lose / you were too scared / I was too shy / ironic / we lost everything / it's all surface / (I think I made you up inside my head)

It's all in the head / weak / being scared means being weak / disgusting / breathe / breathing does not bloody work anymore / welcome back / to everything you've been trying to run away from

I am my biggest enemy and my mind is slowly killing me / dead / but can't be gone

Farewells

The past few days were all over the place. In a good way, I guess. 

Surviving on barely 4 hours of sleep every day since wednesday due to the crazy drama rehearsals that goes on for more than an hour after school, studying in school, trying to catch up with all my trinity friends before friday came.

My head is so out of place right now, maybe due to the lack of sleep and the stress my body is refusing to accept. I'm tired but I'm glad our drama performance is finally OVER. Man those weeks of prepping, brainstorming on ideas for the poem and initially getting our first plan rejected. Those weekly drama meetings never fail to make me laugh and I'm so happy we managed to get shit done even though we play almost half the time. :') 

So my time in Trinity College is finally coming to an end. And I guess like all other graduations and farewells, it's always hard. And as usual, my head takes too long to process this whole accepting that there's no more school, so when everyone's feeling sad about not being able to see their friends in classes anymore, it'll only sink in for me the next week or so. Meh. 

Ended the last class of trinity on such a high note. EAP class party. What else could I ask for? Pizza, drinks, cakes, tarts and the best EAP class ever. EAP 4 4EVA. So blessed with the best classmates and the boys are the best jokers in class ever, never making any EAP class that unbearable. 

So all that's left is a week of study break and this time next week, I'll be done with my first paper. 

God bless me, please. 

Fatigue.

So exhausted from feeling this worn out. Too much of this, too little of that.
It's always shitty when you get hit by a wave of loneliness. I used to be so sure.

Isn't it funny at the fact that when you look at the situation you're being caught up in with a little bit of detachment from it, you realise you're not that significant anymore. Nothing really is, actually. Zoom out a little bit more and you'll see there are so many other issues going around the world that no one has the time to bother about others. So even when you're gone, the sun still shines, people still wake up going on about their daily lives not noticing. Not feeling. The world never stops turning.


"We're all so busy we forgot about you!"

I guess that's what they always say.
Slowly, but surely.

It's so disgusting to question yourself about the impact you leave on the people you meet and eventually convincing yourself that you've never been that important anyway. The fact that one has to convince means that one might have initially thought otherwise. NTS: Why would you think that even? Shameless. Self absorbed. Obsessed. Disgusting.

Nothing really is, nothing really is, nothing really is.
For the past 4 months all I've been really doing is pushing forward and pushing back. Guess this is my way of handling everything, preventing me from sinking too quick. Never thought it'd turn out this way. Ha. But there's not enough time. There's not enough time to crash and not enough time to get back up, so packing every single emotion and feeling into a box and shoving it at the back of my head not thinking and not feeling seems like the only way that I could be somewhat sane.

I'm tired, I'm so so so so tired. Feels like I'm heading back to the starting point right at the bottom of this hell hole and it sucks. Because once you go down, it's so much harder to go back up. And it seems like everyone has already left. But it's a good thing because good things are finally happening to people that deserve it and I couldn't be more happier for them.

It's so funny how much shit I can come up with that I can choke on my thoughts and it clogs up my mind and I feel so sick like downright nauseous every night before I sleep. And it's amazing how I get through every day barely feeling any sense of anything, really. So repulsive. I'm so sick of myself. I need a change (well maybe I don't) ((i don't fucking know anymore))

My mind likes to go against itself. All. The. Time.
The screen is blurry and so are my thoughts for tonight.
Just for tonight, let me not be okay again.

I've never felt so low and this shallow all at the same time.