It's probably just all the oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins and phenylethylamine going crazy in my body. Something I've come to realise about myself is that I can't control how much to give and how much to take. Portion control. I get greedy and then I stop. I stop and then I get greedy. I let go and then I give too much of myself away. It's like I've been learning nothing from reading The Art Of Seduction (super good read, btw). The book teaches you how to be more aware, be more tactful and observant of the other party and I swore to make sure that I wouldn't make the same mistakes I always made. But it seems like I've failed again.
It's annoying how it seems like I try to deny myself from any sort of feeling with someone, but ironically, at the slightest reciprocation of feelings and attraction, I just give myself away and I start to worry, romanticise and idealise so many situations and then I get anxious and then I draw myself away. And now we're at the last step where I probably let myself go too much, too deep and made myself a little bit more vulnerable than I should have, and now my stomach is churning and all that's running through my head is "You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have even had the slightest thought."
I am so incapable of controlling my thoughts, my words and my actions but yet somehow still foolishly believed for a fucking moment (again) that I am able to do... this differently. But this cycle has repeated itself too many times over and I am so, so tired from this. Makes me sick thinking about it and really just, pathetic.
It's just the oxytocin. It's just the dopamine. It's just the fucking endorphins.
