Shadow Days.

 

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

Hard times let me be

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
What they say is always true, why can't you just believe it.
It's going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end. You just have to stop looking at the negative, and focus on the positive. Faith, trust, believe and all that other bullshit. I don't know anything but yet I -

It's just been a terrible week in terms of my battles with myself. I'm tired of putting up a fight with myself every day and every night. I just want a hug. As cliche as it seems, just one long, tight hug and someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. It is going to be.

School's been a chore. 

Scream to be heard, like you needed anymore attention.

ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahaahahah you're so fake i wonder if what you are is real.

With every strike of lightning comes a memory that lasts.

I finally did it. I made my lists. Lists of lists of lists all crammed into a list. It wasn't easy but thank God for google.
It's been a long day.

The first week of school is over and done with, I guess I'm surviving. Hopefully things get better in the (few) weeks to come. I'm really looking forward to exercising the coming week. It's been a while and I desperately need to get back in shape. Signed up for netball and touch rugby. I was actually contemplating if I should take up touch rug since i've never really played it (right) before, but ah heck, it's always good to learn something new. Isn't that what they always say? I've decided to give myself a shot at learning this sport. Seems fun. Netball was just.. something that's within my comfort zone. I don't mind playing it anyway.

The week was hard to get by with all these voices in my head I swear I'm losing my mind day by day it's not even funny anymore. It seems to get harder each day and the voice gets louder it's so tiring but I have to constantly remind myself that I should have seen it coming. This is what I wanted and this is just what I have to face. Eventually, of course.

I sometimes wish we could just go back to the holidays. I could stay in there forever. Sleeping late, waking up with nothing important to rush to, just whatsapping all my friends and meeting up with them at 4/5pm because we can. Starbucks every time after dinner. It's scary to know that we'll never go back there. How it's all about moving forward. Future. Don't look back. What's next. Not what happened before. God damn it it sucks growing up sometimes.

The email came in today. A part of me didn't even want that email to come, hoping it wouldn't come. But it did. And now I have to face it. I have to constantly remind myself to think about the big picture. big picture, big picture.

Tomorrow apparently we'll be splitting up into our groups for the DSS module and I swear i won't be getting any sleep tonight again because I'll be coming up with various scenarios on how to explain to my lecturer, and of course, how to explain it to my group mates in the time to come.

The first few days at school has been relatively fun. I swear my daily life in school has brought "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus to a whole new level. I literally have that song playing in my head whenever we scale the hills in Ngee Ann. And I used to think climbing up the stairs in TK was tough. Ha.

Met my tutorial group for the first time today. Got to say, they're pretty cool people. Caught up with my FOC mates, man have I missed them. Sat around and talked shit and took photos with OJ's ipad. I can safely say today was a good day.

Of course, I miss all my homies. Sucks being in the same school but not being able to see them so easily. The population of this school is.... MASSIVE. And the people look intimidating because they all dress really nicely and have really cool hairstyles.

Lastly, I think one of the main reasons on how i manage to turn up for school feeling okay about myself is because of my best friend Bryan. It's amazing how we've come this far and I swear we won't ever grow apart. We should treasure what we have now, and not think about the future. Take it as it comes.

The hardest part is always letting go.

The only person that can hurt you the most is yourself.
Sad, but true.

I know I can do better than this.

BRAIN PLEASE WORK PLEASE I DONT KNOW IF I'M DOING THIS RIGHT NOTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING IN YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW ANNOYED I AM WITH MYSELF I REALLY WANT THIS SO BAD I WANT TO TRY MY HARDEST BUT I CAN'T EVEN GET SIMPLE THINGS RIGHT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

and lastly, this is a part video response to one of my best friend's vlogs.....
you can catch it... here.

Stumbled upon this a while back ago.....
Nostalgia, nostalgia.
Sec 3 was amzing and unforgettable.
I remember Hazel, Rena and Cheryl coming over for Fei fei wanton noodles, and then coming over to my place to make silly videos of us jamming and still scoring 200+ views on this crappy video.

After watching this it scares me how time flies so fast without even noticing sometimes. Enjoy our noobness.

Sorry I've been neglecting this space recently. It's either I'm too lazy to type something in here or there really isn't anything much to update everyone about.

Just ended BAOC and of course, just like any other camps, it was awkward on the first day but hard to say goodbye on the last day. Experiencing 2 orientation camps in Ngee Ann has really made me feel so welcomed here, like I belong somewhere. And I think i've already mentioned that. The people here are amazing, the year 1s and the year 2s/3s.

At the same time, every day when I finish orientation, I always question myself if leaving was the right decision and I always seem to tell myself I love it here, I don't want to go. So I want to thank my dad, for always reminding me of the big picture. Sacrifice. Thank you for teaching the meaning of sacrifice, and teaching me how to treasure people around me before it's too late.

Always look at the big picture. 5 years down the road, will I be where I want to be if I stayed here? So I think i found the solution to whenever I feel like crap about leaving. 5 years in singapore: still in y2 university. 5 years in Australia: with a degree. Whatever keeps me motivated, that's all that matters.

On a lighter note, I'm really excited for school to start next week. I can't believe i'm actually typing that. Being on vacation for 6 months really does mess you up. Your body clock, your brain turns into mush and you suddenly can't remember how to count, your stamina, your motivation to study all used up for Os. Looked through and printed out the lecture and tutorial notes for all the subjects i'm taking and it's starting to look scary I must say. The topics seem slightly foreign and the projects just make me sick thinking about the fact that i have to leave my group halfway. I still haven't found a solution to group projects yet though. Maybe I should just approach my teacher on the first few lessons and tell him my situation and shit. I don't even know. I guess i'll take it as it comes.

In the mean while, I'll just stick to whatever this is right now.
Damn why do I always keep blogging about the same shit. Sorry guys, I'm really boring.

death is at your doorstep
it freezes your already cold mind
i look to the night, whisper "lose your sight".
because i know i can't move the mountains
for you

Tell me now that it was my own fault loving you with my whole heart.