If I'm self centred, then you're self obsessed.

It's been days. Weeks. Months, even. This will never end.
Excuse my incapability to string all my thoughts and feelings into something that can be understood because hell, I've been feeling so too much these days I feel as though my head is about to explode and my heart is sinking and being ripped apart and fixed back and ripped apart and fixed back again and again.

I'm not tired. I'm just sorry. I'm fucking sorry its tearing me up inside but you still think I don't care. You're right about everything. The words you throw at me and its the same words I've grown to believe. I believe you. You're right and I'm always wrong. It's true, I never bothered to stand up and pick a fight against you ever since I was young. I never will.

The only thing I can promise is that I'm trying. Even when I failed, I was trying. You just don't believe me. I guess I wasn't trying hard enough, I'm sorry.

So many times you've said things that cut right through me and at 18, I guess I'm supposed to not give a shit - but I do. I can't express myself and the thoughts I've been thinking so I've been doing one of the most pathetic things ever, which is to cry. I cry because I can't find the words to explain myself, how to say sorry enough to make you hate me less, how to fix everything up and carry this load of crap on my shoulders well enough to make you happy. I can't. It's tragic, I know.

Its like this mental torture I can't seem to escape. Even she said it. That you'll haunt me for the rest of my life.  You remind me of all my failures, from the day I was born, to primary school failures, to secondary school failures, and my current failures. You remind me so fucking much about them sometimes I really would like to scream into your face to shut up and I could probably list more failures I've accomplished for you to mock me with if you wanted. But of course, I'm the one that shuts up and let you go about my failures over and over again.

Words I've grown to fucking hate the past month: Discipline, Failure, Hopeless, Your responsibility.

If this is some reverse psychology shit you're trying to pull on me, it's not happening. Or rather, unleashing your unhappiness in life on my failures. I feel like that's what this is. That you've been so fucking unhappy with how your early childhood life / teenage life / early marriage life turned out, that you're just taking everything out on my flaws.

The logical thing would be to stand up for myself and fight for my own freedom and say what I feel. But I don't. I owe every success and every cent of my education to you,  right? The minute I do something right, it's not "Good job Rachel, maybe you're finally good at something." It was always, always "Ok. Good. So? Of course you're supposed to do well. Look at how much I've done for you."  I owe every success to you, but I owe every failure to myself. It has always been about you. And it always will be.

My amazing little brother did a compilation on our Switzerland trip. He's pretty good at editing, actually. Lemme know how he did! :-)

The year's coming to an end and I'm pretty stoked for everything to be done. Something that was "last year", I promise I'll be a better person the next year.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year people! xx

2013

It's been a good run 2013. 

I've learnt how to run towards the things I want so desperately, I've learnt how to run away from things that have hurt me, I've ran away from people including myself countless of times. I've taken the jump, I've learnt how to be brave, I've learnt what its like to be so afraid,  I've learnt how to fall over and over and over again. I have failed. I have succeeded. I have cried. I have laughed. I have laughed until I've cried. I have cried until I laugh. 

Like other years, 2013 was filled with ups and downs, gaining and losing some things on the way. 

In a blink of an eye, 2014 is about to start. I've only just turned 18 and 19 is coming!!

It's getting tiring but I guess time doesn't stop for anyone does it? 

I've conquered mountains this year. But there's still so many more ahead. Each one seems harder than the previous one, nothing seems easy anymore. 

Nonetheless, I've got God by my side and a great family who sometimes really drive me up the wall with the things they say and do, but afterall, they're family - you can't help but love them. 

With God, family and friends I'm so lucky to have- 

I guess I'm ready for 2014. 

Not fully, but kind of. 

To sum 2013 up I would say, "I've tried." 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone! xx 

It's amazing how people are able to continuously update random people of the internet about their lives and such. My blogging skills have died and I don't know if I'm planning on reviving it. Hmm.

Anyway I've been meaning to post something relatively positive up here since most of my posts are filled with so much depressing shit in them haha. Just got back from switzerland and it was amazing. The sceneries were breathtaking and honestly Switzerland has so much to offer, I really really enjoyed it. :-)

More photos on facebook and keep an eye out for a vlog my amazing little brother put together!

Till next time 

xx