If I'm self centred, then you're self obsessed.

It's been days. Weeks. Months, even. This will never end.
Excuse my incapability to string all my thoughts and feelings into something that can be understood because hell, I've been feeling so too much these days I feel as though my head is about to explode and my heart is sinking and being ripped apart and fixed back and ripped apart and fixed back again and again.

I'm not tired. I'm just sorry. I'm fucking sorry its tearing me up inside but you still think I don't care. You're right about everything. The words you throw at me and its the same words I've grown to believe. I believe you. You're right and I'm always wrong. It's true, I never bothered to stand up and pick a fight against you ever since I was young. I never will.

The only thing I can promise is that I'm trying. Even when I failed, I was trying. You just don't believe me. I guess I wasn't trying hard enough, I'm sorry.

So many times you've said things that cut right through me and at 18, I guess I'm supposed to not give a shit - but I do. I can't express myself and the thoughts I've been thinking so I've been doing one of the most pathetic things ever, which is to cry. I cry because I can't find the words to explain myself, how to say sorry enough to make you hate me less, how to fix everything up and carry this load of crap on my shoulders well enough to make you happy. I can't. It's tragic, I know.

Its like this mental torture I can't seem to escape. Even she said it. That you'll haunt me for the rest of my life.  You remind me of all my failures, from the day I was born, to primary school failures, to secondary school failures, and my current failures. You remind me so fucking much about them sometimes I really would like to scream into your face to shut up and I could probably list more failures I've accomplished for you to mock me with if you wanted. But of course, I'm the one that shuts up and let you go about my failures over and over again.

Words I've grown to fucking hate the past month: Discipline, Failure, Hopeless, Your responsibility.

If this is some reverse psychology shit you're trying to pull on me, it's not happening. Or rather, unleashing your unhappiness in life on my failures. I feel like that's what this is. That you've been so fucking unhappy with how your early childhood life / teenage life / early marriage life turned out, that you're just taking everything out on my flaws.

The logical thing would be to stand up for myself and fight for my own freedom and say what I feel. But I don't. I owe every success and every cent of my education to you,  right? The minute I do something right, it's not "Good job Rachel, maybe you're finally good at something." It was always, always "Ok. Good. So? Of course you're supposed to do well. Look at how much I've done for you."  I owe every success to you, but I owe every failure to myself. It has always been about you. And it always will be.