"The Pope has repeatedly clarified that the Church's purpose is not to condemn sinners for falling short of complying with Catholic law, especially in terms of issues with sexual or gender orientation. The Church is supposed to celebrate God's merciful love for any and all people."

Just thought that this was really well said.

Glitter Pens

Just opened up my pencil case stuffed with my colour markers I've had since 2007... it's amazing how they haven't ran out of ink yet.

It just occurred to me that quite a few of these markers were gifted to me, a set of stabilo ones were from Nicole back in 2009, and a set of glitter pens were from my dad back in 2007/2008. In all honesty, I actually forgot that my dad used to buy me glitter pens.

Only today, I suddenly recalled that he used to. It was never pilot, or clear colour, or stabilo. It was always those 40 colour pens set you'd see in the market or pasar malams, where half the colours don't work or they were too smelly to use. My dad used to buy me so many of those, because he knew how much I loved glitter pens back then and he tried to provide for me as much as he could given our financial circumstances. I still have them in my pencil case, and I still use them to annotate on my uni notes. Just remembering where and how these pens ended up in my hands now just makes me feel so nostalgic. Don't know if I make sense right now but all I know is that I desperately need to get this off my chest before I drown in all my feels.

I really wish I could be home right now, barging into my parent's room, seeing my dad on the bed with his reading glasses resting on his nose bridge, with that focused look he has every time he reads the newspaper. I'd show him these pens and tell him that it may be a few years too late but thank him for the pens and tell him that I appreciate everything he has done to provide for our family, for me. From buying me new pens to use despite taking the train to work every day for 5 years and walking from shenton way all the way home if you had OT because you wanted to save money on the cab fare to finally being able to drive to work comfortably. From upgrading our sunday after-church lunches where we used to dapao from old airport hawker centre and eat at home to finally being able to go out after church for lunches at orchard. From surprising me at 12 years old with a china replicated ipod/mp3 player on the coffeetable one morning before I went to school - which I was seriously so happy I remember crying, to buying me my first apple ipod at 14. So many stories, and I feel like I don't appreciate the things you do for us enough 99% of the time.

You're a fighter, dad. I don't say it often and neither do you but, thank you for everything. For working your butt off to provide for this family, to get us to where we are today. Even though I've failed you a million times and tried to retaliate, I've hurt you, I've let you down but up till now, you still tell me that you love me - in your own special way. You are someone that I really look up to, and I guess maybe that's why your words can cause such a big impact on me even up till now. You barely sing praises nor encourage us but when you do....

"We are all supporting your dreams, go and make them real. Have no fear but courage...... tomorrow. Courage belongs to those who dares to dream and makes them real. Every trial in life offers opportunities to learn and grow. Don't stop growing my dear daughter........"

I stuck that message on my wall when I was in Trinity, the next day after you texted me that, and now it's stuck on my desk, where I can see it every day.

I love you papa, and whatever challenges that we may face we face it headstrong, together.

Refreshed.

The weeks drone on and we've already reached the end of week 10. Same stories same complaints every week, on how everything is so damn tiring.

I would say that I'm much more motivated than I was as compared to last semester, but given that last sem I barely did anything and felt anything the whole time..... I don't know how motivated is motivated as of now.

School is so exhausting, same shit I say every week. It's a miracle that I always manage to pull through the week. And it's not like the next week will be any better. Assignments due at the beginning of the last two weeks and the coming one, so basically that really just burns off my weekends, stressed out as shit in front of my laptop, getting all my group mates to go onto google docs, cutting words to meet the word limit, only sleeping at 3 am..... it's painful man.

I'm seriously drained and mentally so exhausted sometimes I feel as though I'm just passing through school like its a blur and I don't even know what I'm studying. But I guess we have to sometimes take things in a positive light. I don't know how I've been doing it or maybe it's just listening to stories from people, drawing something out of their positive mindsets and energy they seem to exude. It refreshes me time and time again, constantly reminding me that there's really a light at the end of the tunnel - regardless of how small that beam of light is.

This week Sherwynn, Jasmine and I were having this conversation about how much school sucked and where did time go bla bla bla and I threw out the question of how on earth does everyone stay motivated given that it's already week 10. Sherwynn said, "Every night I go to bed dreaming about the day I become a doctor. That's what keeps me going. My future. And every night I think about the life that I want to lead, my kids, my husband... everything, and I get so pumped up and motivated to keep going."

I paused for a moment because that never occurred to me. And it hit me hard. Because I was so amazed by the fact that by just thinking about the future would allow someone to stay so motivated. Too many times I've been telling everyone around me (be it jokingly) "the future is bleak, people." or "It doesn't get any better." But I guess perspective is really important and the change starts from the mentality you have.

The last 2 weeks were one of the shittiest, in terms of other things besides studies as well. And too many times I've felt like quitting and just asking anyone, or everyone WHY this is happening to us. It didn't make sense and I've felt angry, sad and so lost all at once. Guess that's why the only thing I can really do is just to leave these issues to the big guy up there and just focus on the only thing I can do right now - which is to study.

Yay, feeling so motivated and pumped up. Tomorrow I've got a group meeting at 2pm and we're planning to complete everything by 6pm. There goes my saturday. :-):-):-)

Oh yes, and I finally decided to go for OCF tonight instead of opting for a night spent at the club. It was one of the better decisions I've made so far for my friday nights. Made some new friends over some good bonding time. Also, 3 hours of worship and prayer was really emotionally tiring but at the same time, it's refreshing. Hopefully this will last me a while.

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders

Trusting God is simply believing that He loves you, He’s good, He has the power to help you, He wants to help you, and He will help you. 

Christians are called believers, but many times, we are more like unbelieving believers. We trust our friends, the bank, the stock market or the government more than we trust God and His Word. 

In John 15:5, Jesus says that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We need to lean on Him for help with everything in our lives. Sadly, a lot of people go to church, hear what they should do and then go home and try to do it on their own. They usually end up desperately telling God how hard they’re trying to do what they need to do, and they’re leaving Him out! 

God wants us to put Him first in our lives. He wants us to put our confidence and trust in Him, all the time, in everything

What It Means to Trust God 

by Joyce Meyer 

Probably heard one of the worst things anyone could hear tonight. Everyone likes stability, right? To know that things won't change out all of a sudden, to know that there's a constant flow of something. Even if something is about to change, we all like to be prepared, to be caught prepared - if that made any sense.

It's been close to 6 years since I've heard something like this. And I guess this time around, I'm older and I can comprehend things better than my 13 year old self - I feel the impact hitting way harder than before. And being thousands of miles away, it sickens me even more that my ability to help is about negative infinity.

All I can do is pray, hope and study the hardest that I can.

It hasn't fully hit me yet, the seriousness and implications all of this might lead to and I'm so scared. So, so so scared as to what the future might look like.

Times like these I really can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of melbourne and start to work and feel like less of a burden to my family and one day I'm going to start some business of some sort, or work my ass off until I become financially independent and I can provide for parents, my brother, my loved ones and hold some sort of protective shield around them making sure they don't get hurt anymore. They've seen felt heard and gone through so much more than me and what the hell am I doing sometimes? I really cannot comprehend my stupidity and naiveness sometimes it disgusts me. God let me out of this.

God said he won't put us through something we cannot go through. We can do all things through Christ who will strengthen us right? I come running back in open arms, God give me something to believe in. Because all that's left is You.

Tonight it felt as though I was slowly picking at the stitches that were so tightly sewn together one by one. Feeling each tug and pull from the words that seemed to fall out of my mouth. It seemed almost surreal, this feeling, because honestly it's been so long since I told someone about it. The stories that made up a part of me for a while, and during that time it consumed the whole of me.

Something about the day that made it seem like a good time to speak of it. The rain, the cold, the secrets that you shared that made me feel that I had to tell you a part of me if not it's not a fair trade. But haha, it never really is, actually. But I don't regret it. Tonight I realised that I can never let myself be fully rid of what I was and who I was, because it is me. It makes up who I am and when people pry me open just to see what that is all about, I'm stuck in the middle deciding if I should just carry on with this facade or just drop everything and just be.

Tonight you looked at me with those sad eyes filled with sympathy and compassion but yet it felt so strange and foreign. You couldn't get it because you were never there, and the thoughts and feelings I tried to convey to you in words didn't seem to get my message across. I never knew how to put what I felt in words, actually. I asked you, "how does it feel when you are at your lowest?" To that you replied, "well, it's when you feel like you don't have the energy to do anything."

It was and is so much more than that for me and I guess while you were looking at me exclaiming, "aww you poor poor thing", all I could do was look back at you with eyes filled with envy, amazed at your flawlessness and the way you can throw your head back and laugh so freely, fully expressing every emotion that seems to be coming from inside of you. I almost forgot to be bitter and angry like a little brat when you were telling me that I was a poor thing. Like I didn't need any more reminder of how much of a shit person I was and actually am (but I told you I was better and you agreed wholeheartedly) Haha.

You radiate everything that I can only wish for. You exude charisma, beauty and confidence all at once. And I can only look back at you and think, "I wish I were you." But then I went home and recited the words that I've grown to believe in my head again and now, I take my words all back. The only thing I can tell myself is, "this is as good as it's going to get."

2:32 AM

Officially screwed up my sleeping cycle to no end, and I'm trying to think of ways to fix it or attempt to make myself fall asleep faster. It always sucks when you can't fall asleep. 

Got a speech to make in front of about 50 people later on, currently shitting bricks. Was never the type of person who would feel completely at ease and all before making a speech basically about marketing yourself to get votes. First and probably the last time I'll ever do this. The planning process is immense, and the fact that I have only 2 minutes is killing me. 

I suck at speeches but I really, really hope I deliver tomorrow. I have to get this. 

:-(:-(:-(:-( 

Annoyed at the fact that my week can never once go smooth sailing, like there's always some bump in the road through the week that just shakes me up for a bit. It's so tiring, ugh. 

All I do in this space is to complain about everything,  I guess. Haha. 

4 more weeks of school and it's swotvac time.