I don't like talking much about my anxiety issues here on such a public, open space whereby everyone is allowed to read this space and probably roll their eyes and judge and say "my god it's just 4 subjects, and you can't even handle this shit" or "you're just over exaggerating rachel pls you just want attention" or whatever retarded judgmental bitches might think of but this is my blog and right now I'm using this as a platform to keep track of my emotions since I realised I mostly blog whenever I'm feeling like shit.
I've only ever had panic attacks probably 3 times before and the last time I had it was probably during my sem 1 exams and it was the worst out of the 3. This time around I managed to psych myself during the whole semester, telling myself that I am stronger and more capable than what my mind thinks I am. Swotvac was relatively good, where I didn't feel any symptoms of anxiety or another panic attack creeping up.
But I think during the night before my 2nd paper, my economics exam, I started to freak out a little and almost got a panic attack. Called my mum up, couldn't breathe, nothing was going it, my left hand was rolled up into a fist, and I didn't notice that my fingernails were digging so deep into my palms. But I didn't crumble and hyperventilate and cry, I managed to calm myself down and told myself that I just simply do not have the time to do that. True enough, it worked.
Next up was before my 3rd paper, which was an accounting theory paper. It really scared the living shit out of me, the whole day was terrible, Gerald tried calling me to explain something and then I started crying because I couldn't get half the shit he was talking about and I couldn't memorise my risks and control plans well enough. Thank God Ivana was there next to me when I was freaking out and she told me to breathe and take it easy. Had dinner followed by a 3 hour break trying to get my mind to calm down instead of worrying all over the place. Called my mum up, cried my ass off, talked to my dad, couldn't speak, hyperventilated for a bit, but managed to calm down.
And that night was the night I started to realise that my anxiety was costing me my sleep. I couldn't sleep because my heartbeat would start to race even though I was laying silent in my bed and as still as possible but it would feel like my heartbeat is resounding in my mind, like it was shaking my whole body and I couldn't fall asleep - as though my heartbeat is the thing that is keeping me awake.
Last night was pretty shit as well. Only managed to get to bed at 4am, tossed and turned until 6am and throughout those two hrs it was almost the same as described above and in addition, I felt so nauseous in bed and lightheaded. My eyes were tired but my heart kept beating and I couldn't fall asleep. It's probably the worst thing to feel so mentally tired but your mind doesn't let you rest.
Woke up at 11am today to send Wenyi off, treated myself to a good burger but the nauseous feeling doesn't seem to go away. Googled up all these symptoms and it really does seem that it's anxiety and all that wonderful jazz. I hate it and it just sickens me on how weak my body + mind seems to react to stress. :-( Don't know any other way to help me help myself when I feel as though I'm already trying my best.
