#HUSTLIN'

Things I am going to accomplish this week:
1. Move out of my apartment.
2. Furnish my new apartment, set up all the internet and wtv the new place needs.
3. Finish up my 3.5k word report and hopefully get my 2 group mates working on their shit without coming across as bossy or pushy.
But you know what, Rachel, even if you do - fuck it. Research was supposed to be up today but the report on google docs is only currently filled with your findings so fuck it. If you come across pushy, so be fucking it. 40% isn't gonna drop from the sky.
4. Finish up the 5 practice papers before the end of this week for Accounting. Mid Sems are coming right at ya the week after, pal.
5. Gym for 5/7 of the week.
6. Take care of Oreo
7. Take care of myself and make sure my mind doesn't crumble and dissolve halfway.

I can feeeeeeeeeel myself losing it the coming week. But no no no no there is NO TIME.

Also, gotta give a major shoutout to my girls Nicole & Jamie for keeping me sane, or if not joining the insanity to make this a little easier to get through and we can all laugh at our morbid jokes. We've come a bloody long way.... from our n00bie days at 13, listening from our lame stories about boy crushes and our parkway gallivanting days being nuisances every where we go...... to what we are now. Embracing each other with all our baggage and our craziness and all the ratchet shit we have done so far hahahaha #nojudging

By far the bestest friends that I could ever ask for. We comfort each other in the most asshole way sometimes, and it barely sounds like comfort but we just..... make it work. Okay, y'all get my point.

THANK YOU LA, I SAY THANKS ALL THE TIME PERSONALLY SO HERE'S JUST ONE ON A SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM BECAUSE I JUST FELT LIKE IT. 我们可以的!!!!

#HUSTLIN'

I think I made you up inside my head.

"I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Sylvia Plath 

These days I've been mildly annoyed at how I've been a hostage of my own mind for a very, very long time. Nothing seems to be working and everything just seems to be sinking. Sometimes its amazing at the sheer willpower it takes to just get up and go at it again. But each time there always just seems to be something that stops me from ever getting out of these sinking holes. It is what it is, and there isn't anything that's going to change this. I've said countless of times that I've accepted it, but where the hell is this reaction coming from? Denial? Missing something or someone? Attention? 

- 

You give me nothing, and therefore it is only right that I feel nothing. 

This was a game that was going to end eventually, and I guess eventually is here. 

No chill

In other words, I am now not only a full time university student, I am also a part time dog sitter for this one over here.

The past 2 weeks caring for a dog has been... an eye opening experience. A lot of times in Singapore, I've heard of many friends who have dogs but they just play with it and the helpers at home are the ones that clean up all the poop, changes the pee pads, gives the dogs showers and takes them out for walks. Owning a dog is pretty easy, and sometimes quite fun. But man, taking care of one is tough.
I've got another month or so to go with this dog, hopefully all goes well and she'll stop peeing on the couch.

For the past 10 years or so, I've been complaining about how much I wanted a dog but after 2 weeks of taking care of one small little dog.... I'm starting to reconsider my future dream of living alone with 5 dogs. The amount of poop and pee I have to clean up after.... my goodness. It's pretty sad that my dreams have been crushed thanks to Oreo. The dog owner life might not be for me after all. :-(

On another note, I'm in the midst of doing very "adultlike" stuff - as how my friends have put it. Besides being busy with school and taking care of Oreo, I've also been busy house hunting since I'm supposed to vacate my current apartment in 2 weeks' time. Thank God I finally secured an apartment but it's completely unfurnished - which comes the next headache. The paperwork is almost done and that's another annoying adultlike thing that I'm handling right now. Ugh.

My mum always told me to take things one thing at a time - it's something I'm not too good at because I tend to just overwhelm myself with so many things at a certain point in time, that I just tend to forget to just breathe and handle it one by one. So this is me reminding myself that things will work out eventually. Just take it one issue at a time. In other words, chill a bit. Cause this girl has no chill y'all.

Alrighty, off to feed Oreo and play with her for a bit!

Pull me out, of this sinking town

"If you could take a year off from everything you're going through now, what would you do?"

"I want to travel. Backpack, maybe. I've always dreamed of backpacking Thailand or Europe. I want to volunteer, to create something with my own hands that will make a change in someone's life. Also, I really want to go to that elephant rehabilitation place in Thailand. Other than that, I just want to sleep and just spend time talking to the people who matter and just.... absorb everything that life has to offer within that 1 year."

"Don't miss me too much when you go MIA for one year."

"I don't think I can go MIA and take a gap year."

"Why?"




Why Rachel?
1.5 years more till I get out of this wrecked education system. God, is this even living right now? Because I'm dying to live.

PLEASE IGNORE

That feeling of always picking at an old scab.

Tonight, over hot korean stew and rice wine, a friend struck a deal with me that if he told me his kept secrets about his most recent relationship/fling, I would have to tell him about someone I liked a lot.
I hate that it's still you - that's all. That you're still the last person. So when people go about asking, it will always be you. I hate it that every time I verbally put it out there, it sets me up in this mood again that I absolutely despise.

I hate that I can't bring myself to write out long, sappy, "I'll always be here for you" letters/emails, and that I can't bring myself to believe those words when people say that to me now. Because we all know how it ended and these are all just..... fucking empty words. How I wish I could just erase you from the history of people I've ever emotionally invested in. Majority of investors never believed in creating a portfolio and investing 100% into a single stock, it was far too risky. Therefore the whole "spreading your eggs in different baskets" came about, a bit here in stock A and a bit over there in stock B. I made a mistake by investing my 100% in you, and I came out like this. Now, I hate myself for being unable to invest even 1% into something new because of what everything we were amounted to.

Body & Soul by Zhung Peixin 

“I paint the distance between our bodies and our souls. When in life you find yourself swimming against a huge current and you aren’t left with any alternatives, this distance grows bigger and bigger. This is what I’m trying to express in my paintings – that sad mood, that sad condition. No eyes, no soul.”

R E S O L U T E

A little late to join in the party on celebrating the new year, but what the heck.
I'm back in Melbourne! So this definitely means that I have the time to sit down at my table and actually come onto this page to blog. No lie, I haven't been writing much the last year and it really seems as though I've lost the skill (if I had any) to communicate or string thoughts cluttered up into my head into sentences here. :-(

I swear during the 7/8 hour flight back here to Melbourne I was able to brainstorm a couple of things to write about in this post welcoming 2015 and bidding a good fuck off and farewell to 2014 - but I can't seem to recall what these things are anymore. Ugh words, please come to me.

The aim of this blog was purely meant for my late-teens useless emotional word vomit, whereby whenever I felt like the world was taking one big poopoo on me - I would write out all my feelings/complaints/gibberjabber. And then maybe 1 month, or 2 years later a bored and older Rachel would come back onto this space and randomly click on archives to read about how stupid I was, blowing up insignificant shit that seemed to consume almost all of me back then. :'-) This blog serves as a place where I can see that so many times I've destroyed myself or let certain things destroy me but in the end, all will come to pass.

December 2014 aka Uni Summer Break: 
It came by and went too soon. Surprisingly, I managed to squeeze in enough time to catch up with a lot of my friends that mattered. I got to even see my tk girls quite a few times within the short time we have! Coming back home is always, always good.
My dad told me to stop coming back so often but on Sunday right before my flight, I caught myself choking up on tears when I was trying to explain to my parents why coming back to Singapore always means so much to me even after being in Melbourne for 2 years.

Coming back home to family, and seeing the friends that I love - it fixes me. Every one has that safe place they tend to run back to every once in a while. And every time I come back, I feel like I'm back in my safe place - in the company of my family and the friends who really get me.
Hanging out with them allows me to recharge and that's why when I go back to Melbourne I can always tell myself, "I'm okay now, I can do this now." Their stories, their words, and just time spent together always seems therapeutic for me.

This has got to be one of the most fulfilling 1 month breaks yet. So much has happened within 1 month, yet so little has changed. I don't really know any other way to phrase it. Nicole told me that whenever I come back it's like I never left. :'-) 1 day away from home and I miss it already.

2014 in general:
If there was any way to sum up my 2014.... it would be that I fell sick a lot. My immune system just said NO to me a lot in 2014 and refused to cooperate during tough times and made it even tougher, haha.

Also, 2014 can be described as a year of attempts.
And the biggest attempt in 2014 was attempting to get by.
On most days I was just dragging myself wherever I was, with a lack of passion/motivation/inspiration wtv you wanna call it.
I also attempted to kickstart a business with Bridget - 4TheBakes, which I didn't expect to actually enjoy the process of setting it up.
Other than that, there were very few new friends made in 2014, but I guess I could say that some friendships were strengthened but at the same time a few were lost as well. And so comes about the whole "people come and go" bullcrap that we have all heard of. Meh.
2014 wasn't all that great, nor did I gain some great insight to life or some shit.

And so just like that, we have rolled into 2015!!!!!!!! I can smeeelllll graduation and liberation and unemployment all at the same time. :-):-):-) Ugh I just need to get myself out of this uni education thing or so they call it and actually go out there and educate myself. Ever since experiencing that whole "the world is your oyster" thing on top of somehow realising how insignificant you are because the world is THAT big type of type of feeling thanks to Korea, I've been missing it every day.  Oh well.

So with that, I guess with whatever life has in store for me the coming year - I'll take it.
I hope to find clarity this year and gain some sort of direction of where I see myself. This year is going to be all about that self discovery shit. I want to turn into an egoistic, selfish, self loving bitch instead of constantly being self depreciating hahaha. Okay, I'm being dramatic. Whatever.

I hope 2015 sucks less and may we all be sort of happy majority of the time. Life is short, give less fucks!

Till next time.