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reasons why i've been finding myself crying the last 2 weeks:

1. stress from exams, the thought of failing, the scariness of not being able to do finance questions and answer the audit questions right

2. the future. job prospects. old people telling me that i should just take it first, help take off some of the financial burden from your parents. peers telling me that i don't belong in this industry, it's not for me,  I deserve happiness and fulfillment. a friend I know recently left his auditing job and went to work for the smart local. I asked him if the industry switch was worth it. he told me, "fuck yes? You put in so many hours for audit but it's 0 fulfillment. At least over here I feel satisfied and job fulfillment is at least within reach." another friend that's already in the place i signed a contract to work in told me, "well if you're going to do audit, be prepared for total shit." .......how shit is shit? i'm already envisioning myself with 0 social life, pulling all nighters and working long ass hours in small ass rooms that clients put us in. I see myself hating my job, coming home crying on some days because there really isn't anything nice about sitting in front of a laptop working on cash flow statements and balance sheets all day. But at the back of my mind i hear my mother telling me to suck it up because at least you have a job. why can't you see that? no one ever likes their first job? you can move onto better things anyway, like that bank job. like that compliance job. what about that law postgrad you were talking to us about? 

I ONLY SAY THINGS YOU WANT TO HEAR BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. I talked about the PR jobs, the advertising jobs, the post grad in journalism, but all i get are shakes and sighs from all of you. "We paid so much for you to get that overseas degree in accounting and finance, but this is all that you want to achieve?" "if this were the case, you were better off staying in poly and staying in a local u." 

I can't even disagree with those statements so wtf am I supposed to do. 17 year old Rachel hated herself back then and 21 year old Rachel hates 17 year old Rachel for making this decision so what do I do now? 

3. graduating. because, #2.

4. my life (as dramatic as that sounds) because, #2. my mother told me that i shouldn't for a second ever harbour the thought that my life is terrible and drown myself in sympathy and "complain that you don't get to work in a job that you like, because, here's the truth Rachel, NO ONE EVER WORKS IN A JOB THAT THEY LIKE."

5. exams. because i fucking hate accounting and i fucking hate finance and it's a shame i'm graduating with sub par grades that will get me nothing in the banking and finance industry. sorry i'm a failure for what you guys carved me out to be.