Tonsillitis

got a bad case of tonsillitis over the weekend and i can never get over how excruciatingly painful it is to get through it. i mainly spent friday night, saturday and sunday in bed sleeping and waking up crying because of the pure physical discomfort. the fever, the act of even drinking water, the throat, the swollen tonsils, head aches, body aches and chills. it's been a hell of a weekend fighting tonsillitis. i'm just glad i managed to get 2 days off from work to really stay home and recuperate. i've been thinking and not thinking of a lot of things. and i guess this is probably why my mother used to say, "students have all the time in the world to think too much." and there's some truth in that. i barely have the time to myself to really sit down and absorb a lot of what i've been exposed to. it's sort of living life and watching it pass you by at the same time, which is a little bit ignorant. but would this be considered part of the hustle? i also now see why people can't seem to get off work even though they're on MC. i was on my work laptop on both days just checking up on emails and i've gotten plenty of my colleagues on skype asking me to f off and rest up, which is sweet, really. i've grown to appreciate them a little bit more now. i met nat today, and it felt so good catching up with old friends from melbourne. there's always a little magic in rekindling fond memories and hearing new stories of friends in melbourne and all their adventures. it's been a tiring weekend, and i'm glad i've came out of this tonsillitis shit alive. i miss everything about being free, and the MC helped a bit with the resting so i'm glad. 

i haven't been writing because i haven't been thinking. i miss writing. but it's good (??) that i've stopped thinking so much? 

bellend.

it is only normal to crave physical intimacy and to want someone so badly despite having little to no emotional attachment. you do not put your self-worth in anyone else's hands. not through the empty messages exchanged, the quick kisses underneath flashing lights and loud music, the silence the next morning, and the urge to double text. it's always the push and pull. my father told me to never make myself look cheap. i might have given it away too much but i don't see myself anywhere else but here. perhaps i ran out of the capacity to feel anything more than the bare minimum. i lose interest fast, find faults in people and i get picky. it's funny. i hate wanting someone like this, despite reciprocating this twice, i still hate being hung up on this. it's not like anything is going to come out of this good though. you use me the same way I do to you. so i'm letting it go now.