2016 in a nutshell.

it's been a heck of a year. 

in jan: 

- internship

- breaking up with someone I've loved for so long for good and trying to get over that 

- just being in a terrible place all at once 

in feb: 

- moved into my last apartment and had to adjust to that, and a new housemate, and getting over all the rubbish that people were talking about when I got back to melbourne 

- was still in a bad place because i couldn't get out of the bed, i couldn't get out of my house and I couldn't bring myself to school

in march:

- still depressed, still trying to get by uni and everything else 

in april-may: 

- these are the months I always tend to forget about. 

- I remember getting slightly better and was counting down to the time i would be completely done with uni and all its shit 

in june:

- exams. 

- job crisis.

- crying almost every other day and hating myself

in july: 

- end of exams.

- Tasmania!!!!! 

- New Zealand (South Island)!!!!!

The happiest I've ever been in a while. Something therapeutic about being in a country that has almost NO buildings, but just quaint towns and beautiful majestic mountains and rivers surrounding us. I will never forget the views, the laughter and the experiences and I miss it every day. 

in aug: 

- graduation!!!!!! having my parents come over for my graduation was a little milestone i'll remember for life. The last time the both of them appeared at any of my school functions together, it was probably during one of my kindergarten family day performances. Also, my dad was in a suit! for me! 

- realising shit

dropped by the counsellor's for a quick check in and she told me that if I were to go to a clinic and get a diagnosis, i'd be diagnosed as clinically depressed because my anxiety levels and depressive levels were well above the average rate. it was something I cried about for a while but it was also quite relieving because a lot of the times whenever all my depressive/anxious thoughts come by, if I were to voice them out, i'd always be told that i was just "too emotional" "too dramatic" "stop exaggerating", and to finally put a reason for the cause, was a little epiphany for me. 

- packing up in melbourne

it was bittersweet and I realised i didn't blog about saying my goodbyes to the lovely people i've come to appreciate over the past 4 years of living there. I miss being completely free, being able to plan my own time and schedule, being able to be in charge of what to eat, when to buy shit, when to go out when to stay at home. oh my god. it is something i've really come to miss after i've moved back home. 

- moving back to Singapore and back into my home

it's weird, coming home. for good. it always felt like a holiday for me, something temporary, and something i could just tahan until my next flight out of singapore and back to melbourne. I think it was a challenge for all of us to get used to having me back at home. there was a lot of compromise that had to be made- since for the past 4 years i barely had to make much compromise with my living habits. but i'd say we did it. we all adjusted quite well, but there was definitely a struggle at first. 

in sept: 

- Taiwan!!!!!!! 

Travelling with my brother for the first time turned out to be really fun. I also met a friend on tinder there, and we still keep in contact. Meeting locals and listening to stories on their upbringing and views in life will always be one of my favourite things about travelling. It opens up so many other perspectives and makes you realise that the world is indeed a mthrfking huge place to be in. ah!! how I wish I could relieve those moments again omg. 

- Turning 21!!!!! 

it was such a great weekend, turning 21. I celebrated with my friends and family and I haven't felt so loved in a while. 

- Starting work

I remember having a shit time back in our orientation at JB for 3D2N and I was just barely keeping it altogether. I remember crying on the way to meet nicole lavelle cas and aralin at newton for dinner because my mother mentioned work related stuff, and i remember bursting into tears in front of them because I was so tired and so disheartened. I also cried every night for the next 7 days and my anxiety levels were quite high. 

in oct: 

- honestly a fucking blur between trying to get used to work, trying to maintain a social life and trying to make new friends

- also, clubbing almost every friday 

in nov: 

- tonsillitis attack W T F 

it was painful, it killed all my plans for that weekend (which was supposed to be quite happening) and I was stuck in bed crying because my throat was too painful to handle any sort of substance. 

- still struggling with work 

- got closer to some of my colleagues and we've now upgraded to the term "friends" 

- ryry & rayray what a fking highlight

and now... 

we're in decemeber! If anything, writing this post and realising all the shit I remembered going through this year was either pain, suffering or crying!!!! (minus the good travel vibes) It's true I guess, that we tend to remember the bad things more than the good ones. I read that somewhere before. My wish last year was that I would gain a little more clarity this year and I guess I did. A little. Being able to recall the year and the highlights is sort of clarity for me. In terms of my career, my attempts at romantic relationships, what's my next big step - it's all a little uncertain and still a bit daunting for me to think about right now. I've been slowly slipping into a low again and I've been trying my best not to!!!! really!! I'm really really trying so hard. Hopefully i'll shake it off in the next few days. 

What a fucking post. It's just mind blabber and a little choppy but there you go, future Rachel - a summary of your 2016 in one post. :-) 2k17, hit me with your fucking best shot la i've got nothing to lose. 

noostay

on sunday i had one of those dreams again. those dreams where i was meeting with an ex-almost, and i'm meeting them with their current/future partner. it's always weird how my mind constantly sets me up for disaster. 

this time around, it was you sitting in the front seat of the car and me realising that you had a beautiful wife and 2 kids with you in the car, together with your mother in law. you had the nerve and the audacity to call me along for lunch together with you. and the shock and the feeling that i had been punched in the stomach that came right after watching you so lovingly speak with your wife, and how you played with your sons - felt so real. my nightmares are always the same. they were alwasy about ex lovers loving their future partners in ways that they never loved me. and i was always somehow there witnessing their affection. in a way would that be me craving that sort of affection but at the same time denying myself of it? i don't feel as though i am worthy enough of being loved that way, so I project all that desire onto my ex-almosts future or current partners. 

it was something hard to swallow and it woke me up on a sunday morning at 6am. I couldn't figure out why i had dreamed that dream so vividly, and i remembered everything that happened. I texted you the whole dream at 6am before i fell back asleep, and for a long while in the morning, i thought the dream was real and you were hiding at 40 year old wife and 2 kids from me. it's funny. 

I can't see us in the long run, but feelings creep up on me once in a while and perhaps like you said, "you're perioding damn hard". Let's just blame it on the hormones because it's so much easier than dealing with unnecessary feelings.  

when words meet heartbeats

there's always something about going through all the letters you've accumulated throughout your schooling years, and watched how the conversations slowly evolved over time. I found myself reading more letters than i thought, laughing at all the stupid shit my friends and I used to talk about. I particularly miss writing to Yiyun, though. It's a shame we stopped talking after she left TK, I wonder how she is now. She wrote so beautifully in our black book. We used to pass the book to each other, building our small little world of Joe/Nick fanfiction. We also wrote about our crushes in school and laced our fantasies together with lyrics from indie bands, and of course- Jobros. 

Days back then were so much easier tbh, we wrote about crying when we didn't complete our amath paper, how shit we felt when the girl we used to think was cute didn't look our way that day in the canteen... That warm fuzzy feeling when I read through all our writings in the black book. Things so trivial, but expressed with so much raw emotion, honesty and lyrics all together in a paragraph. Sometimes I wish I could write so eloquently and beautifully like her. It's still something I appreciate 6 years later. Gosh, has it really been 6 years since I was 15? My goodness. Time is fucking flying. 

I miss writing letters to friends and having them write letters back to me too. It was a feeling that cannot be explained nor replaced. You can't instigate the same feeling by having someone write you an email, or a blog post. It's different when things are handwritten, scribbled across a piece of paper. I forgot how wonderful it is to receive letters filled with emotion, humour and honesty. 

Maybe I'll start writing letters again. It's always the time of the year where we start looking back at the shit we've done in the year and start looking forward to the shit we're about to do in the new year.