noostay

on sunday i had one of those dreams again. those dreams where i was meeting with an ex-almost, and i'm meeting them with their current/future partner. it's always weird how my mind constantly sets me up for disaster. 

this time around, it was you sitting in the front seat of the car and me realising that you had a beautiful wife and 2 kids with you in the car, together with your mother in law. you had the nerve and the audacity to call me along for lunch together with you. and the shock and the feeling that i had been punched in the stomach that came right after watching you so lovingly speak with your wife, and how you played with your sons - felt so real. my nightmares are always the same. they were alwasy about ex lovers loving their future partners in ways that they never loved me. and i was always somehow there witnessing their affection. in a way would that be me craving that sort of affection but at the same time denying myself of it? i don't feel as though i am worthy enough of being loved that way, so I project all that desire onto my ex-almosts future or current partners. 

it was something hard to swallow and it woke me up on a sunday morning at 6am. I couldn't figure out why i had dreamed that dream so vividly, and i remembered everything that happened. I texted you the whole dream at 6am before i fell back asleep, and for a long while in the morning, i thought the dream was real and you were hiding at 40 year old wife and 2 kids from me. it's funny. 

I can't see us in the long run, but feelings creep up on me once in a while and perhaps like you said, "you're perioding damn hard". Let's just blame it on the hormones because it's so much easier than dealing with unnecessary feelings.