not worth a post but here you go.

some people aren't worth writing about, because writing only seems to solidify my thoughts into something a bit more... tangible? I guess? I don't know anymore. 

It's 3 am and I've got sad songs on and I've been thinking sad thoughts. I feel like I've taken 1000 steps back into the past, with sixteen year old rachel being hung up over useless infatuations and always, always having thoughts catapulted into sad ones because of..... myself. Great to be back! 

Maybe I've never really tried to solve the real reason why I would always be triggered like this and over the years I've just learnt how to cope with shit like this by just denying myself from any sort of feeling that I might have felt with anyone that I was momentarily attracted to. I remember having this discussion once with my counsellor, and she asked me a question: "Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?" 

This is the question that keeps replaying in my head over and over again. Do I deserve to be loved? if I don't, then why do I keep expecting to be loved? What more by a person of such calibre? I'm stuck in this feedback loop from hell, feeling annoyed that I'm sad over this and having the same thoughts about being underserving and yet still ironically being sad because someone didn't want me the way I wanted them to. It's always so fucking inward looking that it pisses me off. 

Ian introduced me to a book and I'm going to start on it tonight just to try to get a bit of enlightenment from this annoying irrationality of my mind. This afternoon, I finally allowed myself a bit of time to just sit and wallow with my emotions. I guess working and having packed weekends is a good thing because I can never find time to be as sad as I used to be back when I was in school. But also at the same time, because I'm so busy, I never had the time to sit down and self reflect. I haven't been writing nor reading. Good conversations have been popping up here and there over the past couple of months, but I feel like I haven't been progressing the way I envisioned myself to be. 

okay. I'm going to read. and I'm going to sleep. And i'm going to be okay again tomorrow. Just for today, just for tonight, I'm not okay.