a new familiar nightmare

so last night I woke up at 3:30am in tears, because I dreamt of you leaving. Despite it being a different person I’m dreaming of, the recurring theme still seems to be the same. I’m starting to draw some similarities and maybe I’ve actually lost my mind. I dreamt we were in a dark hotel and I felt really lost and scared. My phone rang and my Mum was on the phone scolding me for hanging out with you and she told me she found out because she’s friends with your Mum. How cool was that? If our Mums were actually friends. I know they do smile at each other from time to time when they cross each other in church and you and I stop to talk. 

That aside, you planned for a surprise dinner with the both of us and randomly enough - Glenda and a neighbour I haven’t met in years. When I say down, you wiped something off from the right side of my face. 

The next place we were at was a laundromat. The vintage, hipster kind. The washing machines had this thing where if you put in money to wash, each washing machine would play a different track whilst washing your clothes. We put our money into the washing machine that played Hoobastank- The Reason. And we danced around the laundromat and laughed. 

And then suddenly you told me you needed to go.  I didn’t even get to say anything and you disappeared. I remember feeling lost in my dream and woke up in tears. 

Why do I constantly dream of the people I love leaving me in abrupt, happy situations. There must be a reason for this recurring theme. I’m afraid to delve too deep into the underlying issues that stems from this. 

But I did the same thing as I previously did with the other person I had a nightmare about. I texted you. Groggily, half awake and full of honesty. “Don’t leave” 

Don’t leave, please stay. I cannot imagine my life without you in it even though we were always sidelined in each other’s lives. This month it felt like we were moving out of the sidelines and into the playing field. I miss you and I want you to stay. Don’t leave. 

You texted me the same words she once said. “I promise I won’t leave.” “I’m sorry I made you cry in your dreams. That’s fucked up.” 

My heart hurts. 

Ideas.

I think I keep falling in love with the idea of someone. It's easy for me to romanticise - as much as I hate to admit it. My love language is words of affirmation and touch. And when someone touches me the way I desire it to be like, I find myself losing all sense of rationality and control. Why are you so fucking easy, Rachel. I don't know, I wish I could play games and be hot and cold like some of the other girls. 

The ones that are hard to get are always the one that guys long for. It's tried and tested. I was never the one that played hard to get only because I believed that I couldn't hook the interest of someone long enough for them to want me to play these games. So I somehow always made myself an open option - if you want me, I'm here for you. I just want your love, affection and validation. I can love anyone so easily but at the same time, I get angry for letting myself go so effortlessly. 

Always falling in love with the idea of someone, and then trying to dissociate from that by highlighting flaws, pinpointing issues that might cause a future end to anything that it might amount to if we moved towards being more than friends. I'm always setting myself up for an ending, a bad ending especially because maybe I've subconsciously wired my brain to believe that I don't deserve good guys ie a guy that can love me the way that I desire to be loved and I can love him the same. 

It's also frustrating how 17-year-old thoughts can so obviously show itself again in situations like these and it makes me feel as though I never matured from all the heartbreaks I've gotten. It's always an accumulation of suppressed feelings kept in tightly locked boxes. Opening them up once in a while gets a bit too much for me to handle and now I'm all over the place.