Ideas.

I think I keep falling in love with the idea of someone. It's easy for me to romanticise - as much as I hate to admit it. My love language is words of affirmation and touch. And when someone touches me the way I desire it to be like, I find myself losing all sense of rationality and control. Why are you so fucking easy, Rachel. I don't know, I wish I could play games and be hot and cold like some of the other girls. 

The ones that are hard to get are always the one that guys long for. It's tried and tested. I was never the one that played hard to get only because I believed that I couldn't hook the interest of someone long enough for them to want me to play these games. So I somehow always made myself an open option - if you want me, I'm here for you. I just want your love, affection and validation. I can love anyone so easily but at the same time, I get angry for letting myself go so effortlessly. 

Always falling in love with the idea of someone, and then trying to dissociate from that by highlighting flaws, pinpointing issues that might cause a future end to anything that it might amount to if we moved towards being more than friends. I'm always setting myself up for an ending, a bad ending especially because maybe I've subconsciously wired my brain to believe that I don't deserve good guys ie a guy that can love me the way that I desire to be loved and I can love him the same. 

It's also frustrating how 17-year-old thoughts can so obviously show itself again in situations like these and it makes me feel as though I never matured from all the heartbreaks I've gotten. It's always an accumulation of suppressed feelings kept in tightly locked boxes. Opening them up once in a while gets a bit too much for me to handle and now I'm all over the place.