Reset and Restart

I don't know where to start but I know for a fact that i've been sick and tired of being trapped in a grey area and i am sure my friends are also sick and tired of listening to me whine about the same issue again and again when all there really is to do is to make a bloody decision that both of us are afraid to make. 

I don't necessarily know why we're too afraid to make decisions, perhaps the certainty of giving one option up scares us and we're just greedy like that. But it's a weak excuse. It's also a weak excuse saying that we don't know what we want. Tonight you told me that we had the physical intimacy and the friendship but there was nothing in between to hold it together. Which essentially meant that we don't have the foundations of a relationship. And i agreed. The next logical question to ask was - then are we willing to try? both of us said we didn't know. 

With this much hesitation and uncertainty, the best answer is to remain friends. We both know we want this friendship to work and last for a long time. The way I handle it is to distance myself and revisit this friendship when the dust settles and you no longer stir up so much unwanted and unnecessary emotions where i spend time, effort and tears into something that's been made up and blown out of proportion. 

I keep telling myself that it shouldn't be this hard, you know. If you were certain enough and wanted this enough, you would go for it. But you don't. I guess I'm sad because it feels like you don't want me enough. But in the same breath, I can see why. I don't feel that connection that I felt with the previous person I was in love with. Our conversations are always surface, banter and never in depth. Perhaps we are too conditioned and built our 10 year friendship on a lot of banter, once in a while catch ups about where we are in life and nothing more than that. The fact that we are incompatible saddens me a bit because for the longest time while I was sidelined in your life, I thought any girl would be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend. But I guess that illusion's shattered and I'm a bit sad. 

My heart is heavy tonight but I know that I made the right choice of choosing to not talk for the time being. It puts an end to the grey area and I won't have to lose my mind on what you're doing, where you are and what you are thinking. You also won't have to tirelessly creep around me if you want to hang out with people that you can hang out with. I also won't have to care. And ultimately for the sake of this friendship that we both have been grappling to save but always having the same ambivalent mindset. I am so fucking exhausted and drained from everything. 

It's Always (about) Me, Not You.

Perhaps even trying to overcompensate my denial and sadness by crazily posting/writing on social media about my journey to self improvement, losing weight and striving to the best at work wasn't the best of ideas. i've been so strung out at work, I know I'm not functioning at my best but I refuse to attribute it to my screw ups in my personal life so far. 

my friends have been singing the same tune, but i dont know if the problems really lie with the people i get with. i'm trapped in the same cycle, the same crazy thoughts and they all point to the sign to craving affection, love and validation but then wanting it from the wrong person ie they can't fucking give you what you want. you continue to romanticise, you continue to try to impress (subconsciously, of course), and you continue to be let down. then you start to convince yourself that you are just not good enough, that you aren't smart/pretty enough, and then you tell yourself that you don't deserve that person because how could you have dared to even think that they'd like you back when you're... what you are and they are what they are too. Rinse and repeat. 

i am so fucking drained and tirelessly writing and thinking these thoughts aren't the best. constantly going back and repeating mistakes - they are self inflicted wounds. you wanted the fastest way to feel loved, validated and desired. at the end of the day they were right, the obsession for external validation is self indulgent and narcissistic. 

Empty Vessel

a thought, after you telling me that we should draw the line and just be friends:

physical intimacy is the easiest way I can get validation, comfort and love all at once. to build something emotionally sound, stable and to be interesting enough to appeal to someone - this I cannot seem to do. this month I've learnt that i do not know so many things, i cannot keep up with conversations, i lack the general knowledge and all i've been so obessive with is my work, my work and my career. and even in that aspect i know so little. i lack so much personality, character, interest and substance.

in the end i am just an empty vessel constantly trying to empty myself up for people i love to fill me up. but what i've come to learn is that empty vessels don't attract. they stay empty, and here i am struggling to change myself but still stuck in the same spot. it is truly nauseating and i dont know what to do anymore.