Your Mother.

Ever had that weird moment where you kind of want to see someone but you don't? This is probably the reason why I have recently been more adverse to going for 9:30am service. Because I don't want to see your mother, but at the same time I kind of do.

I had this huge plan to kill them with kindness - show your mother and your friends how fucking great, smart and funny I am and you'll be reminded of how much you've lost. So one day word will get to you, "Oh I saw Rachel the other day," and you'd be stumped and too embarrassed to tell them that our friendship ended because you messed this up. So she was there this morning, and she spotted me so I couldn't avoid her. My mother nudged me and told me, "you still have to respect the elders. She didn't do anything to you so don't be rude." I went over to say hi and we obviously had to chat about you. 

I congratulated her on your graduation and told her I wish I could be there but I had something on. "You must be so proud, he just started work yeah? He's liking it so far?" She excitedly asked me if I knew that your trip to Amsterdam got pushed forward to next Friday. I said no, I didn't know, how long are you gone for? Two weeks, she said and looked like she wanted to chat more and suddenly I wanted to ask her how you were. How is he? Did he tell you about what happened between us? Is he upset? How was his first week of work? Is he sleeping okay? But the choir started singing, so I held her hands and said I didn't want to disturb her any further and left. 

I honestly love your mum and I wish I had more time with her. One because I wanted to know how you are, two because I wanted to know what kind of family you grew up in and three, for my own self-gratification, I get to impress her and she'll like me and somehow that will translate into something more with you. The third one is a bit far-fetched and irrational, sprinkled with a bit of vengeance after you told me that you liked me but somehow couldn't translate that into a relationship. 

I spent this week relishing in the message that I sent to you to end everything. But somehow I find myself re-reading the messages almost every day. And ever since cheeks read it on friday night, she exclaimed that she was trying to find just a small redeeming point in your message to show that you wanted to fight for this friendship. That you would take some responsibility and then say you treasured this friendship to try to restart it again, but you didn't. You accepted the mistakes I called you out on and then when I told you I didn't want this friendship anymore, you accepted that too. 

You've always been one to run away and be indecisive. You were always selfish since the day I met you- I just never saw it and even if I did, I excused it. You never fought for anything you wanted, always expecting them to fall into place / come to you on a silver platter. You cover everything up with your jokes, but how do you feel when you sit in your room alone in silence? Does the guilt come rushing in? Do you ever think from someone else's perspective besides yours? Don't you ever wish that we could be friends? I think unfortunately the only time we can restart this friendship on a clean slate is when you really own up to your shit, take the fucking initiative to be clear and decisive and put in an effort to restore what you broke. You're clearly not doing that and you only retreat. I am so sick and tired.