When It Rains & A Lesson In Quantum Physics

It finally rained after a week of heat, sweat and humidity. There’s always a sense of relief when the rain comes after a week of hoping and wishing for cooler days. The thunder is comforting too. I’m lying in bed feeling a sense of peace come over me when I woke up to the sound of the rain and murmurs of thunder.

The last few weeks have been a total pain to crawl through. Most days I managed to function with my anxiety and desperation but the last few days I’ve been nearing breaking point. Last Thursday while being intoxicated, my friends told me I cried for 15-20 minutes. It wasn’t dramatic sobbing and heaving. Claudia said it was just the crying when the tears wouldn’t stop. When I asked her what I said when I was crying she said, “you didn’t say anything at all. You just sat there and cried.” When I heard that, I felt an unexplainable amount of sadness towards myself. Pity, almost. Poor Rachel, what happened inside that made you cry so badly like this? Even when drunk you couldn’t open up to talk about it. You don’t even know the trigger. You thought you had things under control.

In light of the quantum physics I learnt last night, classic computers now only work in binary terms, everything is either a 0 or a 1. Black or white. And a specific pattern of strings of 0 and 1 makes up different alphabets which in turn comes out as paragraphs of words and thoughts I’m typing out right now. Everything feels like a yes or no. A black or white. A 1 or 0. But what the quantum physicists are trying to create is a quantum computer, which enables a state called superposition - where it can be either a 1 or 0. They used a coin as an example. Superposition is when the penny is constantly being spun and doesn’t stop. It can always either be a heads or tails. Never binary. Always in the grey.    And I think that’s sort of what I’m working towards in therapy. To be okay in the grey and to live in a state of superposition where some things don’t necessarily have to be in binary extremes in my head. The spectrum exists, but the in between / middle ground is good enough. There was another concept they explained which is called entanglement. In the natural world, being entangled with something or someone - it’s easy to disentangle and disengage. But in the quantum world, when 2 or more qubits (quantum bits) are in a state of superposition and they can be entangled- that causes them to form a bond and become correlated to each other. Meaning that if one qubit is a heads, the other will be a heads. If it’s tails it will be tails. This state of entanglement will continue to multiply amongst the qubits to form an interlaced series of numbers. I think, one day when I get better, I still hope that there’s someone out there for me. I still wish for love and I get deeply afraid that I will never find companionship as we grow older. These days when I get nervous and anxious, I don’t really have a lot of people to turn to so I lie in bed and cry. Go to therapy. Work out. Everyone’s busy with life they don’t really have a lot of time to do the emotional labour for me.

I’m very tired trying to get better and work on myself but at the same time also trying to convince myself out of negative thought patterns.

Apathy Is A Funny Feeling

i keep looking for something even though i know it’s nothing. My mind is actively trying to defend, invlidate and block out any sort of regret. Like a snake shedding its skin. I don’t want to keep going back. I ducked and walked away.

Me vs Me

i wish I wasn’t so afraid to want, to be average, to cope properly with the fear of never being good enough, the pervasive thoughts of failing in every aspect in my life. My body has been rejecting these thoughts with anxiety kicking in, sending my mind and my heart into over drive. The smallest triggers no matter how hard I try to stop myself. To prevent myself from ever putting myself in situations. I wasn’t even that vulnerable. I kept an open mind and this still happens. I still hang by a thread. The thought that I shouldn’t have let myself gone this far will forever prevent me from ever forming anything more meaningful than what I’ve built with people in my life. I’m tired of trying and having my mind stop me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m better than before. That I’m improving. Like what I read today, the writer wrote that she’s afraid to feel because she is scared that the facade of the improved her will break and crumble and in the end all that she’s left with is her at her core. I’m not convinced I’ve changed my core. And now I’m afraid that whatever I thought I’ve achieved and worked out was all a facade and a trick my mind was trying to tell myself to get by day by day.