Me vs Me

i wish I wasn’t so afraid to want, to be average, to cope properly with the fear of never being good enough, the pervasive thoughts of failing in every aspect in my life. My body has been rejecting these thoughts with anxiety kicking in, sending my mind and my heart into over drive. The smallest triggers no matter how hard I try to stop myself. To prevent myself from ever putting myself in situations. I wasn’t even that vulnerable. I kept an open mind and this still happens. I still hang by a thread. The thought that I shouldn’t have let myself gone this far will forever prevent me from ever forming anything more meaningful than what I’ve built with people in my life. I’m tired of trying and having my mind stop me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m better than before. That I’m improving. Like what I read today, the writer wrote that she’s afraid to feel because she is scared that the facade of the improved her will break and crumble and in the end all that she’s left with is her at her core. I’m not convinced I’ve changed my core. And now I’m afraid that whatever I thought I’ve achieved and worked out was all a facade and a trick my mind was trying to tell myself to get by day by day.