You have this way of falling in and out of time as it comes by.

A few out of the many pictures we took on the last day of NPSU Freshmen Orientation Camp. It was an amazing 4 days, with the most funny and amazing group leaders and members I could ever ask for. Dirty games, Night games, Wet games, Cheers, Meal Time would not be that much fun without them. So grateful for all the friends I've made over the past few days.

I actually feel that I belong here. That Ngee Ann Poly is my school. That sense of pride you get when you're cheering that cheer at the top of your voice, you turn to your left and right and you see school mates, course mates, friends. I belong here.

But then when everyone was crying- when I say everyone, I also include the big burly guys from camp comm to Group Leaders who are 18 and older. I was numb. Because at the back of my head I know I've been telling myself that I'm leaving after 2 months here. I've told myself plenty of times that I'm not allowed to get so emotionally attached to this school, and so attached to the people here. So I didn't cry at first. I actually think I looked completely heartless because when the video was playing and everything, everyone around me started crying and saying all their "I miss yous" and "stay in contact" and I was just giving hugs telling everyone that it would be okay. But when Bern came up to me and gave me a hug, half sobbing and half talking, telling me how grateful she was that I was her first friend she made in our group, our crazy girls school theories and thoughts about mixed school girls and chinese speaking people, how much she would miss me when we go our separate ways and she told me that we still had to hang out even after camp for the next three years. And subsequently hugging all the other guys i've grown so close to telling me "I love you" "Thank you for being so amazing" "see you in the next 3 years".......

See you in the next 3 years.

I felt so horrible and twisted inside whenever I heard that. I can't because I'm only going to be seeing you in the next 2 months and after that I'll be gone. But I couldn't tell anyone that. I tried not to let myself go there because I truly felt like I belong here and I belong here for the next 3 years. So I cried. Cried so hard when hugging Bern, Fir, Marcus, Jane, Cecilia, Syam, the leaders Lydia, Hui Choo and Ben. there's no other words to describe that feeling of nausea, guilt and sadness all mixed together. God damnit I'm such a sick bitch I hate myself for doing this. But some part of me wants this. The friends, the seniors, the family, the sense of belonging, that I belong somewhere.

I don't know. The last days of camps are always the hardest. Learnt that ever since the first camp I've been too. But this camp was special. And it was and is the hardest camp to let go of so far.