Farewells

Officially saying goodbye to my iphone tonight. It sucks. I've managed to keep all my messages ever since my iphone 3gs till this 4s and now that I'm using an S3, the messages can't be backed up into it.

As sappy and clingy as this sounds, some of these messages really mean a lot to me. But then again, maybe it really is time to let go of some certain stuff. There really isn't a point to keep going back to the past consistently and keep getting stuck in it while others just simply move on.

Was going through the messages we sent each other back in dec/jan and I swear, I still love how we were so in sync and got each other so easily. The crappy spelling and emoticons that we both understood so effortlessly made everything funnier and up till now, no one types like you do and I mean it's a weird thing to say but I guess that's another reason why you're special. I loved how we could talk about anything and everything, even though sometimes there were reallllly long breaks in between because both of us were busy/too lazy to reply one another. But I know how crappy you are at texting and the fact that we managed to text so consistently for about as long as I've left for melbourne and came back bla bla... which has been about close to 7 months, is a miracle. Haha I caught myself laughing at our dumb conversations a few times just now and it made me realise how much I miss you. Still thought we were okay back then didn't notice any cracks but maybe then again I was too oblivious. Indeed you were one of my best friends and it's crazy that we managed to text/whatsapp almost every day for 7 months and not doing it now felt weird. I don't know about you but for me it took a lot of me to get used to it. Still am, actually.

But I guess that's part and parcel of life. Things change constantly. Feelings change, friendships change, people change. I've always had a tough time letting go of things. If the ink in my pen dies, I'll never throw away the plastic body of the pen and I'll just keep buying refills. If my slippers break, I'll find every way to try and superglue them back together because I can't bear to throw it away. It's not something to be proud of, because I know holding onto too many things will eventually kill me one day. It isn't healthy to be living in the past, especially not right now. I know the only thing I have to do is suck it up and let it go. It's like losing a best friend. Again. And like previous times, it sucks that they move on first and I'm left to pick up whatever's left. Everyone leaves first.

Because right now it's the same feeling I felt when I lost one of my best friends. The same feeling I felt when I thought I was losing my other best friend. The only difference is that this hurts a lot more maybe because I didn't think it would come this early. We might never go back to what we were the past year and maybe never talk as comfortably as we did the past 7 months or so it's only a fact I should start accepting.

So with that, I'm learning from my mistakes. No more 100+ screen caps like I did previously for someone. Because if I were to do that,  I'd most prolly screencap every single thing because I would want to remember everything we talked about, even though it was nonsense most of the time. It still scares me on how fast things changed and how quickly it takes for one to fall in love. But you gotta make the most out of the time you have being young, right? I guess that's what you taught me.

Goodbye iphone 4s, you have served me well. Goodbye messages dated from 2010 - Jan 2013. Goodbye and I'll always miss you.

I apologize for the lack of updates. This term has been crazy crazy crazy. It gets crazier with my insane ability to procrastinate. (hence the blogging now)

The new feb palmerston kids are really cool ones, and I'm glad I can get along with them relatively well. The boys have officially labelled me "no make up rachel" since there's a new Rachel in the house and she wore eyeliner the first time she came in. I don't know if "no make up rachel" is a good thing or not but..... whatever. The boys were discussing about changing it to "gym rachel" because they always see me in my gym clothes at dinner. OK enough rambling.

This is me trying to provide you guys with a substantial amount of updates..... I'm failing. Sorry.

All I've been doing recently is.... school gym home eat grow fat gym hoi essay lit essay accounting essay soundwave (?!!?!) im not catching up on my math omg my accounting is dying as well i skipped 2 lectures already say what omg lit essay food school try to sleep cant sleep stare at the ceiling school gym drama meeting eap presentation eap debate gym procrastinate


That basically summarises everything I've been doing. Hope everyone's having a better week than I am. The past few weeks have been..... draining. I just try to get through the day and I end up feeling so exhausted. Term 3 of Trinity really is fucked up.


On another note... I am officially in the android family. Yes, Rachel is using an S3. No iphone, but an s3. And it's really awesome that dropbox syncs up all my photos and I don't even need to connect to transfer my shit over anymore! Yay for that!

So here's a few snapshots of what I've been up to recently. It's really boring, I know. Just give me till the end of this sad term and I will do up a nice post. (hopefully i come out alive because right now i feel like death)

(don't you miss my boxers ;-D )

Pancakes with the girls on thursday 

my lunches on fridays and my snack..... whenever i feel like it. chocolate city is the motherbombing best. I luvvit.

So grateful for Emily. This letter and packet of stickies def made my past few crappy weeks better. Thank you again, Em aka my fellow sampan mate for lyfe. 

Weekends were fun! Had a sleepover at ash's place on friday night and then white night on saturday! Finally reunited with nette after fricking forever and it was so great catching up with her. :')

Trinity's a fricking chore most of the time but I'm glad that I've got friends to go through this crazy ass journey with me and the crazy deadlines. So so blessed. Sometimes I forget that. 

Free love

For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it’s a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing god, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don’t know
And god loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don’t know


 Have recently been digging a lot of rap music and my friend, Dee told me about her amazing concert experience at Macklemore's gig here last weekend.

Decided to take a listen to some of his music and I stumbled across this music video. Haven't seen a mv that has left such a great impact on me in a while. Kudos to the directors for putting across such a good message in the simplest, yet moving way.

The lyrics are everything that someone who supports same sex relationships would say and it justs takes the words right out of your mouth. Genius lyrics, really. Being in a girls school for 10 years, especially in secondary school, I've been exposed to many stories and experiences on same gender relationships. And maybe some doesn't last, but some do. And I'm blessed that TK girls have taught me that love really knows no boundaries. I've learnt how to accept everyone for who they are, and who they love. Everyone has a right to love, doesn't matter gay or straight and I think this song really is the message for free love.

I get really put off by the fact that people look at gays or lesbians in a different light and think that they're "weird" or "not normal". There is nothing more sickening than people who think like that. But we all aren't here to please others, right? I'm not going to spend this whole blogpost talking about supporting same gender relationships but there's a blog post i read from here (she is super witty when she writes and I can't help but keep reading on) where she writes her feelings and thoughts on people who have "homophobia" or in other words, afraid of gays/lesbians.

Alright to end it all off, here's a little bit more lyrics from the song. Thought you guys would be more interested in some music that I've been listening to more than whatever's been going on in that crazy twister-like mind of mine. So... here you go. Have a great weekend you guys.


We become so numb to what we’re saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don’t have acceptance for ‘em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board

A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It’s the same hate that’s caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It’s human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself

When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren’t anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned

When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that’s not important
No freedom till we’re equal, damn right I support it



xxx

The past few days I've been torn between... a lot of things.
Probably one of the shittiest weeks I've had in a long, long time.

But like all other shitty weeks, I'll get by.
I will stand by the fact that everyone comes into your life for a reason, that even when they leave you you still learn something from them.

Count your blessings, they always say. I always try to remind myself that I should, but there's just so much in me that finds everything unsatisfactory. Most of the time, I end up complaining about why things refuse to go my way instead of finding a solution out of it. Maybe the reason is that I'm the cause of everything lately. Jinxed, is the solution that I've comforted myself with.

This week, I got reminded again that friends are always there for you. Even the ones that you least expect to care, they surprise you with a whatsapp message and I swear, it makes a lot of difference. So thank you for those who asked me how I was. I really appreciate it.

Have been trying so hard to tire myself out each day and every day I wake up feeling so numb. It's gotten to a point where I get scared of myself and my capabilities to think of every single negative thing my mind can imagine. Every time I sense a panic attack and when my hands start to tremble, I tell myself I can't go back to that because no- i can't. It's been working so far but I can feel it starting to come back to get me.

I refuse to feel this sick all the time. And the funny thing is, I'm not sick at anyone else but myself. Does that even make sense? I literally feel sick.

On saturday I found myself hunched over the toilet bowl preparing to puke my guts out even after only managing to eat a small amount of lunch and nothing else for the whole day. It's disgusting and repulsive and horrible to end up in this state. But I just couldn't seem to find another way to let it out. Crying is nearly impossible now (amazing right, rachel the crybaby can't cry anymore) and exercising only helps for a while.

Losing my appetite losing my motivation losing my feelings losing my mind losing everything

Is this what it feels like? Complete and utter disappointment?

Should've known, should have known.
(i'm to blame)

Update: assuming really does make an ass out of u and me. I guess that's the lesson you taught me. Alright, lesson learnt. Time to move with life now chop chop now.

This is the last time

SO SICK OF PLAYING I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE
THE THOUGHT OF YOU IS NO FUCKING FUN
YOU WANT A MARTYR
I'LL BE ONE

BECAUSE ENOUGH'S ENOUGH
WE'RE DONE


YOU TOLD ME, "THINK ABOUT IT."
WELL I DID
NOW I DON'T WANNA FEEL A THING ANYMORE
I'M TRIED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT
I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR

So today, my best friend goes into the army. Good luck and come back a little bit blacker please, Bryan.

I tell almost everyone I know that my best friend's heading to the army, commando training. Don't know why but I think it's normal to feel a little proud of that fact?

That one dinner didn't happen. Neither did that one skype call. But it's alright, I know there are many things that might be on your mind right now and you don't have the time for all of this.

So here's a post to wish you all the best, if you ever come back to read this space. (I remember you used to)

And please please don't forget us, you stupid brown eyed chao ang moh.

"You're wearing coloured contacts, right?"

Remember?

Remember USA back in 2010 where Josh and I would take jumpshots nearly everywhere we went? 

Remember our shitty boat ride back from Pulau Semakau?  Where all of us sat across each other, hunched over jamie's phone, in the bumpiest boat, trying to play scrabble. 

Remember afternoon lunches after school? Remember Jamie without braces? (and when she was actually tan??? sorry jamie i luv u)

Remember when Dawn, Jiayu and I met this super duper cute boy one afternoon while working?

Remember sports day? Where we basically camowhored our way till the end of it and ran in the rain? 

(I still remember getting 33rd place, not too shabby for a person who hasn't ran in ages)

 Remember the many gazillion outings during post-os? Below was the day starbucks was having 1 for 1 and cheryl, jodie and I managed to catch it. 

(and one of the rare days i step out of the house in contacts)

 Remember the day we went to the airport to welcome AJ Rafael? I still remember I was in Y-3 when I saw AJ's tweet and immediately texted cheryl, who so enthusiastically agreed to go. :') The next 3 days were some of the best days of my life. 

Remember when Mich and I used to be super efficient working together and Daph would never split us up. Ever. Miss this girl so much. 

 Remember our starbucks + bridge nights at wheelock? 

Remember muthafking hong kong!?!?! THE best holiday ever.

Remember chilling at ourspace being noob freshies on the first week of school? And deciding if we should go for the NPSU Freshmen Party? 

Remember hanging out at jodie's after school because I couldn't give a shit about going home early? 

 Remember when we had days where we would decide on wearing specific clothes to school? Aka matrep day, pe shirt day, and in this case, it was formal day. 

Remember when Mistika and I went for the 1 for 1 at manhattan fish market and ate all our sad feelings away? And then meeting Aralin at Cathay starbucks?

 Hahahah remember chilling at SOTA steps after that crazy good, crazy cheap thai dinner and making ame propose to me but it never worked out because we all just ended up in fits of laughter? 

(HOW can you take this face seriously) 

 Remember this friday night dinner we had a week before our first CTs with Aralin at Holland V swensens? We had the most ridiculously funny camwhoring sessions ever. 

 Remember the first outing I had when I came back from Melbourne for the first time? Nex. Prata. Best company. 

Remember sleeping over, knocking out at only 7am and then waking up a few hours later to go for the SA carnival? 

 Remember my crazy idea to go for a morning walk/hike at MacRitchie? It was so tiring but so, so so fun. And I never had that much fun walking through a muddy path, ever. Will never forget that day. 

 Remember my last night before departing for Melbourne? Even though my dream to have a "picnic under the stars" at the Padang with the girls did not come true, I was so glad the poly boys surprised me and we ended up having dinner at Marina Sq food court and walked to the Esplanade rooftop to enjoy the Singapore skyline. 

Remember when Ame and I got super cute and sweet smelling hand sanitizers??? Hand sanitzers were super important to me at one point of time in my life, and having a really nice one? Made me feel even happier. It's the small things, you know?

 Remember bus rides with Jodie? Where we would talk about almost everything and anything. 

Miss you beb. 

These are some of the precious photos I found in my iphoto library because I was just learning how to use it. And I spent 2 hours yesterday going through all of them and somehow managing to recall almost every story behind each photo taken. And thank God I took photos back then. Because they are so nice to look back on. These are all precious memories to me and I guess this is me sharing some of them with you guys.  

Lastly, remember when I was doing my hair in jan 2012 and I flipped through this in the horoscope section of some women's magazine and as dumb as it sounds, made me  (momentarily) so hopeful for what was in store for me in 2012. 

But that is the last horoscope I will ever believe in.