X

The past few days I've been torn between... a lot of things.
Probably one of the shittiest weeks I've had in a long, long time.

But like all other shitty weeks, I'll get by.
I will stand by the fact that everyone comes into your life for a reason, that even when they leave you you still learn something from them.

Count your blessings, they always say. I always try to remind myself that I should, but there's just so much in me that finds everything unsatisfactory. Most of the time, I end up complaining about why things refuse to go my way instead of finding a solution out of it. Maybe the reason is that I'm the cause of everything lately. Jinxed, is the solution that I've comforted myself with.

This week, I got reminded again that friends are always there for you. Even the ones that you least expect to care, they surprise you with a whatsapp message and I swear, it makes a lot of difference. So thank you for those who asked me how I was. I really appreciate it.

Have been trying so hard to tire myself out each day and every day I wake up feeling so numb. It's gotten to a point where I get scared of myself and my capabilities to think of every single negative thing my mind can imagine. Every time I sense a panic attack and when my hands start to tremble, I tell myself I can't go back to that because no- i can't. It's been working so far but I can feel it starting to come back to get me.

I refuse to feel this sick all the time. And the funny thing is, I'm not sick at anyone else but myself. Does that even make sense? I literally feel sick.

On saturday I found myself hunched over the toilet bowl preparing to puke my guts out even after only managing to eat a small amount of lunch and nothing else for the whole day. It's disgusting and repulsive and horrible to end up in this state. But I just couldn't seem to find another way to let it out. Crying is nearly impossible now (amazing right, rachel the crybaby can't cry anymore) and exercising only helps for a while.

Losing my appetite losing my motivation losing my feelings losing my mind losing everything

Is this what it feels like? Complete and utter disappointment?

Should've known, should have known.
(i'm to blame)

Update: assuming really does make an ass out of u and me. I guess that's the lesson you taught me. Alright, lesson learnt. Time to move with life now chop chop now.