Don’t have expectations.

They can lead to disappointment. Have goals and dreams, but don’t have expectations. Sometimes we expect more from others just because we would be willing to do that much for them, but that’s what leads to disappointment. Do things for others without expecting anything in return. That way when you do get something, you’ll be happy, but if you don’t get anything, you’ll be content, as well.

I don't know how to carry on. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to feel.

Sense of urgency, please work your magic. I'm desperate but I procrastinate too much.

Eighteen.

Warning: complete word vomit right here but lets deal with it cause we only turn 18 once. 

Basically I don't really have many photos of how today went down but it doesn't matter. These photos were stolen from some of my friends instagram. Credits to Jasmine, Shona and Aralin.

This may sound egoistical honestly, I'm not trying to brag here (or actually i might be bragging about how amazingly awesome my friends are lol) but yeah each year I always get really touched by how I've somehow managed to score the craziest and sweetest friends. :-) Truly such blessings.

Every birthday has been different but they're all still so special to me. Even though I've celebrated my birthday twith the addition with new people that came into my life this year- aka the crazy palmie kiddos Shona Philip Giselle and Braden, and Jodie that came all the way from Singapore. It still gives the same warm fuzzy feeling.


Didn't even want to celebrate anything this year, actually. Since wednesdays were my worst days of the week with the shittiest timetable, it was already such a downer to everything. So all I wanted was just a small dinner with my friends. Never would I have ever guessed I would be surprised 3 times today.

Thank you Jasmine, for coming over to college square, throwing away all sorts of image you might have, walking here in your sweats, hoodie and specs. Passing me the weird heart shaped like banana crepe you made wrapped up in cellophane (it was amazing, given the fact that you NEVER cook at all), and the 2 packets of seaweed that had to make do for your inability to cook seaweed soup for me, it's ok its the thought that counts. I still love you.

Another huge thanks to the Palmie kids, Shona Giselle Philip and Braden for also bracing the cold spring air at 12am, coming over holding 2 big containers with homemade dobukki and kimchi fried rice (c/o Shona and Giselle) ((ps it tasted BOMB)) Thank you to nette and tim for also coming down to celebrate my birthday. :-) Talked and ate till 4am, and I really couldn't think of a better way to kickstart my 18th birthday. Can't believe we've only known each other for 8 months and it's amazing to be able to find such crazy silly and funny friends like you guys in melbourne.

The third surprise was as unexpected as the first two, thanks to the mastermind of Jodie Poh Jing Fang. Thank you for planning everything, and involving my two crazy bitches Jasmine and Yin. Thank you for the wonderful pink sparkly unicorn as a home decor, the makeshift bread cake, the hello kitty gifts and all the pink balloons you guys blew up.

Also had my two neighbours next door knock on my door with a big box of brunetti's, filled with small cakes for me. Seriously didn't think they would know it was my birthday but HAIYO really guys pls. Huge thanks to Yunyi and Gerald. :'-)

Extremely grateful for you guys, and it was honestly really heartwarming to see all of you guys come together to celebrate my 18th because turning 18 really isn't all that much.

Every year, seemingly we get less and less birthday wishes- be it on twitter, on facebook etc etc. But what I've come to realise is that the ones that you really treasure are the ones that bother to remember, and bother to wish you. And yes, that means everyone that texted/whatsapped me THANK YOU.

Thank you Jamie Nicole Pam Ame Aralin Cassie for the wishes. I really miss you guys and I wish you guys were here. :-(

Anyway here marks the end of my HAPPY birthdays. By that I mean, from when I turn 19 onwards, it won't really be a happy event because I DONT WANNA TURN OLD ANYMORE. >:-( I'm done with turning old. Okay that's the end of my birthday rant. So thank you everybody for making my 18th so special. Touched la guys, I'm so touched ok. Again, don't know what I did to deserve you guys but I guess I got lucky. Thank you for being such blessings in my life. :-)

Cheers to turning 1 8.

Haven't been anywhere close to breaking point until friday night- 

over hot chocolate and a slice of cake, 

I spoke and the words that fell out of my mouth seemed to remind me of the scars that barely ever healed. 

Just like the memories that never left. 

They never went away and they still hurt me every single time. 

You were clumsy with your words and I was clumsy with my heart. I wish I could make everything disappear as effortlessly as you did with us. 

Sometimes I really wish I could effortlessly calculate the seemingly endless string of equations they give us in QM tutorials like some of my friends can. Or wish that I could immediately grasp the concept of asset fixtures and placing the right figures into the right ledger accounts so easily like some of my classmates- rather than spending 3 hours on a sunday night wrecking my brains doing it when my classmates come to class totally unprepared but still manages to answer all the questions right. 

It's hard. People always say its hard here but they always end up scoring distinctions and its something that really puts me off because IT'S HARD. Excruciatingly hard for me, because every single day I'm finding it such a chore to wake up and face the same shit over and over again. It's tiring to even live through the week and I can't think of what's going to come at me the next week because there's too many assignments due back to back and too much shit clogging up my brain to last me through one week. 

My energy is running out and I wonder where my passion went. Did I even have any to begin with? 

suddenly turning 18 doesn't seem all that fun anymore.

side note: Today in church I learnt about God's relentless unforgiving forgiving love, about shame and being stuck in our past mistakes. I might have managed to grasp the concept of letting go today. And that's a good thing. I will believe that it is.

For the longest time, I've been praying and wishing that one day I can be untangled from the mess I trapped myself in and thoughts I've been choking on. And today marks the right step in the right direction. I don't mean to boast about it on my blog but this just serves as a reminder for me that I'm actually going somewhere right.

Slowly, but surely I'm on the right track.

Absolutely despise people who like to glorify their own problems and indulge in it, making it seem like its a bloody sob story and everyone should show their bloody concern and tender loving care. There's a million and one things to be bothered about and being so self obsessed and expecting people to give a shit when you amplify what seems to be a small bump in the road is just disgusting and shameless.

You're not depressed if you announce, or subtly even hint to people claiming that you are. You are not self harming because you feel that's the only release you feel that you can take and deserve when you boast about your cuts to everyone. You are not going to get any concern from anyone when you blatantly announce that drinking and clubbing is the solution to every single god damned problem you have and this is only coming out because of one small bump in life, one tiny small bump where you barely got your heart broken.

It's sick and disgusting for someone to do that because damn it, there are people who went through or are going through real things and issues with themselves and they don't ever proclaim and do things the way these people do it that want nothing but attention for themselves. Because when you're depressed and sinking, when you self harm because you feel that's everything that you deserve and nothing is lower than that and it sickens you to the bone- you don't tell anyone let alone glorify these things because you know you deserve this and you don't need anyone's pity and concern because there is nothing to be sad about because this is what it is and you're alone on it.

So please, for the people who seem to love glorifying and showing off their neatly cut wrists, thighs, stomachs whatever, and self proclaiming that they have so called depression just because they can't get over certain people in their lives- at this point, there isn't really anyone that you should get over except yourselves.