What's the use of having all these plans when I don't have enough capability to execute.

Planning, that's all. It's the only thing that I'm good at. When it comes to the execution, I fail, I stumble and I disappoint. 

One setback. My dad was right. I handle rejection and failures so badly as though its the end of the world. It's true. Every time I screw up, I think non stop about the things I could have done to prevent it from happening and reasons why my mistake occured. The amount of people I disappoint, the amount of money I wasted, the damage caused to my parents....

lol Rachel no point crying over spilt milk. Should have tried harder. No point regretting, right? 

What's done is done. We all know now how shitty I am with my studies, and how I am one big fat disappointment that can't even get her first year first semester subjects in check. 

I really wonder what my dad would say when he finds out. 

Given up prepping for my interview tomorrow. Probably might just bullshit my way through, mentioning my huge passion for foreign exchange and how everything in that market works - hopefully trying to get the Associate director to like me and hire me to key in all his data that he needs on excel spreadsheets after spreadsheets.

I am a liar. I lie about liking accounting - anything about accounting, I hate. I lie about loving the ups and downs of a financial market, how that deeply interests me and how I feel that it might be able to help enrich my studies while attaining such a bloody prestigious pretentious disgusting degree in accounting and finance. I lie about how this passion for the economy and how everything works has stemmed from the environment I was brought up in, how taking economics as an O level subject helped to further spur me on to take this path in my tertiary education. I lie I lie I lie.

What I like? Definitely not the newspapers. Neither do I love keeping myself updated on current affairs around the world, especially things going on in financial markets - how they have a great impact on the every day lives of people, I don't like that.

It's nothing like what I'm planning to say tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will wear my nicest blouse and put on some adult-like pants, slap some make up on my face, go to UOB and lie. Hopefully I'll get what I don't really want. Because it is only rightfully so.

As we grow older
the iron ball attached to our feet gets heavier
we drown a little faster
sink a little deeper

Too often
we focus so hard
on trying to break the shackles
to set ourselves free
believing that there is a way out
something to stop the drowning

"I'm tired"
and
"I've tried"
are they really so different?

The moment when you realise that there is no key
to set yourself free
and that you chose to be this way-
There is only so much you can do.

Honestly I haven't been well-rested in ages. Every night I either get less than 5 hours of sleep or when I get a longer night of sleep, I get the weirdest, scariest and saddest dreams I just wake myself up from it. My sleeping pills aren't working at all. My energy supplements don't seem to be working as well. My brain doesn't seem to be absorbing anything at all.

Numb is the word.
Hope everyone else is doing a-okay. Much love to all my A level peeps, I suck because I'm pretty sure they're having a tough time as well. Sending all the love I can muster from my tired heart to Singapore. Muax muax.

Home in 5 days. A good nights' rest in 3 days. (I hope)

I only have myself to blame

“It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.”

I went back again. 

Tonight, I skyped my parents. It's so funny on the effects they have on me. Mum was comforting and encouraging, after seeing me in the state that I was in. After my mum attempting to calm me down, my father spoke. And I guess at 18, I'm supposed to be numb towards everything he says but it still cuts right through me.

I partially stopped crying and told my dad whatever I was going through and how much I've been trying to keep up and keep it in but all the did was throw his words around and it stabbed and stabbed and it hurt so fricking badly. It was loud and insensitive and it was cold.

I told him I was trying, he told me it didn't look like it. I told him I was tired, he told me it was because I was doing too much last minute work. I told him it seems like I can't be as good or even on par with the rest, he told me it's because I'm not bloody interested and that I'm not even bothered. I couldn't even reply to a single thing he said because nothing could come out of my mouth. He told me that I'm useless and that I don't even care and I have zero interest in wanting to learn any of this. I hung up on them.

After 7 months, I had my first panic attack. 11 minutes of hell and I hate every single minute of feeling this weak because of the words you've said and the words I've grown to believe.

I hate not being able to breathe. I hate it when my hands start to shake and my knees get weak. I hate it when I cry so uncontrollably I feel like my heart has sunk so deep I can't stop myself. I hate it that I have to clench my fists or hold onto something so tightly because if I don't I can feel myself slip. I hate hyperventilating. I hate panic attacks. I hate you and your ability for saying such heartless things and I hate that you can't see everything that I'm trying to do right now.

You're a hypocrite and you know it. You hate your job but you still do it because you have to. You told me that people who have passion for the things that they do are lucky, because only a few find them. You should know that I'm not one of the lucky ones. Tonight you told me that because I hate what I'm studying, I don't bother and I'm just going through the motions, that's why I'm not doing well. Today you told me that I don't try hard enough.

Mummy just texted me and apologized on your behalf saying 'you know he's like that.'
You CAN'T just throw around your words as though they don't hold any weight. I wanted to talk to you but you just never listened. All you ever think is that when I come crying, I am weak. I know you hate it when I'm weak because you said that weak people never make it anywhere in life. I'm trying. For the whole week, I've been trying to be as strong and determined as I can. Studying 8am to 6pm and 8pm to 11pm every day this week is no joke, but I guess it isn't enough to please you. You CAN'T just want me to be ok with whatever you said and make yourself think that the words you threw at me were accurately describing what I felt because it's not.

Just because I don't seem to like my subjects all that much, doesn't mean I'm not trying. It doesn't mean I don't want to do well. Just because I don't seem to like my subjects doesn't mean I want to risk failing just to disappoint you. But I guess without even doing anything, I already did.




1:36 am: my breathing is back to normal again but my heart is still racing. I'm back to closing my eyes and counting to 10 and trying to focus on the white walls I have pictured inside my head. 1 2 3 4 5 ...

Dreams v Nightmares

This morning I woke up with my eyes wet. I've only ever cried in my sleep once.

There's only so much I can handle and honestly I think I've overloaded everything that its packed to the brim and wanting to explode, but there's no time. There's simply no time to sink. I choose not to.

Maybe its due to the fact that I've only been clocking in about an average of 4 hours of sleep for the past week. Or maybe its due to all my inabilities to contain the stress I've been dealing with, trying to surpress everything that seems too overwhelming for me to handle. Maybe, just maybe. 

But I dreamt of you, and you. You came back. Its been years and I've been long over it. We were young and I was stupid and whatever we had were just based on texts messages and long phone calls that now seems so far away that I can barely remember anything. But in my dream you were so real, and you came back. In my dreams we talked, and talked, and talked some more. I told you about how you should have just stayed and how that yellow turtleneck sweater didnt suit you at all. It started to rain and I was sitting in an exam hall taking my exam, while you were waiting outside for me. We were then running about in some building and you grabbed my arm and told me you were sorry. You told me to stay. I cried.

You haunt me in my dreams and I get sad because maybe its the way my mind tells me that I actually miss you. We havent spoken for 2 years now, except for that call in january this year that lasted about 10seconds. Haha, I still remember how my heart jumped when I saw your contact appear on my phone screen. I bet you never think about us, or me anymore. But thats okay because I dont, too. But I do dream about you and when I do, its always around the same thing. So I guess I kind of miss you.

Evidently there's some hint of hysteria and madness that is apparent in my dreams but I guess its just the stress invading my sleep as well.

I dreamt of you, too. But from afar. You looked happy and in another dream of you - the one where I woke myself up because I was crying - you told me that it was never me. That I was nothing and that I never meant anything. This time, I really was nothing. You couldn't see me and you looked the best that you've been. I've never seen you smile the way you do with her when we were what we were.

I woke up crying, again. Followed by my 5 alarms ringing from my speakers and my phone. I looked at my clock, 8:30am. Which means I got 7 hours of sleep- the longest I've had for the past week. I took a deep breath, wiped my tears away, and embraced today.