I just got off the phone with Kai and she was just telling me about all the shitty things that happened tonight with all the toxic people back there. This holiday, I've come to realise that another one of the biggest reasons why I always appreciated coming home so much is because I get to take a break from all the tiring people over there. It's not that I'm complaining, perhaps it's just bad luck or maybe I really do find fault in too many people, but being there semester after semester, it is so hard to find comfort and peace with myself and with the people I am constantly surrounded with. I simply can't.
As I sit here, in front of my laptop, I'm desperately trying to think of the people that make Melbourne worth going back to. A few, there's a few. At least there's a few. Every time I think of going back to face school, to face those people and situations that I will be placed into, my heart sinks and I absolutely hate it. The fact that I allow these people to have such an emotional toll on me, that I'm weak and like what a friend once told me: You're just collateral damage.
The past few weeks have been so emotionally enriching for me, establishing and strengthening a lot of relationships between my family members especially. I've always known that family is important because it truly shapes you as a person, and no matter how many try to deny it, we're always shadows of our parents. This holiday, I've learnt that communicating and really listening to my family is what matters, and after understanding that, it drew me closer to them. And every time I take a step closer towards my family, I feel like I can take a step away from my friends. Of course, there are friends that I hold very close to my heart, but ultimately family is the core support and the people that will love me no matter what. We say it a million times, that friends are indispensable, but I can never 100% trust that statement because people change and they move on. We were only just friends, they say. So when I say I can take a step away from my friends, I also mean that I can untangle myself from all the tiredness that all the toxic friends are having on me, and I can be okay with not having to please everyone. I find better validation and contentment in the arms of people I call home, and that indeed is my family.
And it puzzles me that since I can draw the above conclusion, why am I still feeling this sinking feeling and dread about going back to face these people. In true fact, I should be feeling nothing but nonchalant, like nothing and no one like them can break me anymore. I am scared that when I go back, all these revelations I had this break will be thrown out of the window again because I'll just go back to telling myself old stories and accepting the things I think I deserve. So that's what I'm feeling right now, and hopefully I'll build up enough courage and be more self-sustainable the coming semester.
On another note, I might be coming down with hand foot and mouth disease, which is not exactly placing me in the best condition to go back to Melbourne. :-(
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