History

Everything moved too quickly. The same person that hurt me so much came back into my life and in just a split second, over liquid courage and stumbling movements, she apologized and told me she loved me. She always had. 

And in those moments when she said those words that I never thought would come out of her mouth, the wounds that she had left me with 3 years ago felt like it got stitched back up and everything was okay again. 

The dangerous thing is, when reconciling with someone you had history with, is that you so easily forget that during the last 3 years of being separated from them, they had their own space to grow into someone that you kind of know but at the same time kind of don't know anymore, they had people that they committed to and they had lovers that were not you. 

If I scroll down long enough on Instagram, I'll hit the sweet spot of seeing photos of past lovers and moments shared between them that are not mine to keep. I forgive and forget so easily, call it ignorant, selfish or delusional, but it stings a little bit to know that those 3 years we lost can never be reclaimed as ours, but instead, it was our time spent apart. 

Very often I get caught up with just my own thoughts and feelings, the epitome of narcissism, clearly obsessed with how everything seems to revolve around myself. But today, while accidentally stumbling across old photos of you and her, and other photos of you and your countless girls by your side (side chicks, you call them), I recalled that you have loved other girls, kissed other girls and touched them perhaps the same way you do to me. Suddenly, I don't feel special anymore. But also at the same time, I know that second chances are terribly hard to come by, and we are so so lucky to have found each other again. 

I love you so much, but I am afraid of so many things. If at 17, we were so afraid of what was in store for us, at 20, these fears seemed to have manifested in itself and grown into this huge ferocious monster. She's scared too, I know because she told me. 

But I read somewhere this week, "if you can't beat fear, then just do it scared." 

We've had history and I don't wish for it to repeat. 3 years was too long and I don't think another 3 years would do us justice.