Temporary II

Temporary I

I'm still struggling with the repercussions from last night. I wish I was able to brush it off so effortlessly like how I do with the others. This morning when I woke, still tasting the alcohol in my mouth, I blinked and remembered that what happened last night wasn't a dream. Neither was it my imagination. 

Never have I thought that 3 years later after everything that has happened, I would find myself there with you last night, in the middle of the dance floor, kissing. It was all quite a blur to me and I'm kind of grateful for that. There wasn't any form of clarity and the loud booming music makes drowning anything out easier. You see, till this day, I have only ever really kissed someone that I really liked once.

You.

The past 2 years I have been making conscious efforts to stay away, guard up and be void of any emotions and attachments to you. It slowly got better and recently I was even proud about the fact that I don't feel anything anymore about the whole situation. It was just like a distant memory, just like how we distanced ourselves from one another the last 3 years, caught up with our own lives that were suddenly turned into very separate ones.

Then last night happened, I don't know how and I don't know why, but it happened. And now I'm just disappointed with myself for feeling some sort of emotion after this, and I can't sit with it. I spoke to K about it and she told me: 

I think you need to step back and realize that it's unrealistic to believe that there's an end point to how you feel about someone like you are upset now because you thought you were completely done with X, that you've reached the finished line on your feelings towards X. But that's not how human beings actually are, there's ebb and there's flow. You don't always feel something for someone just as you don't always forget about someone completely. Don't think of it as "you wasted all your progress" cause I don't think that's it at all, you can be over someone but still have moments when you feel for that person. 

So I am okay now. I was just contemplating the choices of either refusing to let myself feel anything or letting myself go limp and wallow for a bit. To be honest, a little part of me thought that last night almost felt like a closure for me, after 3 years. I don't know how to describe it, but it sort of did feel like it. Thinking back, last night wasn't something that I regretted doing. It caused a bit of a stir up in my head, feeling things that I didn't realise were still intact. But all in all, the realisation that I had (which I didn't want to have at the same time) is that -

I miss you.

I miss you in so many ways that I didn't even know. We were SO CLOSE then SO FAR for a few years and then suddenly last night we were SO CLOSE again, I guess it felt like coming back to a little bit of familiarity. There was still warmth in your embrace, and even though I know that I am over you, I don't think I have ever not felt for you. If anything, it was suppressing those feelings because I didn't want to appear weak.

I have decided to let myself feel all these things and then I'll be okay again. Today, I'm letting myself miss you.

Before I met you I always thought that I'd kiss someone that was already mine, someone that I'd be together with, but I guess I was wrong. But I want to kiss you. I would, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I shouldn't, that it would lead me to feel more. I want to kiss you. So when the time comes, I will close my eyes and at that moment when our lips meet, I will believe that we are permanent.

Last night,
for just those few minutes,
I believed that
we were temporarily permanent.