21st Century Boys

I forgot how much I hated being involved in bro talk, especially with homophobic, narrow minded and sexist Singaporean guys. This would be about 80% of the guys that I've came across during my 21 years of interacting with them. 

One thing about being considered a "bro" is that you get to listen to guys and their "guy talk" and I'm starting to realise there are so many things that is not okay when guys "talk" about people. 

Tonight I was having supper with A and an acquaintance I just had just met, and obviously, we chatted about the topic about girls. It was not very explicit but still enough to make me roll my eyes and to be honest, I've been caught up in similar situations with different "bro"s and their conversations. It is getting sickening and I am NOT okay with things like this!!!! How have guys been able to get away with saying such things?!?!! It baffles me every single time. 

One guy will say something that crosses the line about females and pulling out some males-are-better-than-females-its-the-truth shit, and the other would either: 1. Nervously laugh and go, "eh bro, too much too much" and look at me cautiously to see if I would be the type to laugh like an idiot and nod in agreement or flare up and throw some shit back at them. Or 2. Join in and make more dumb sexist comment or talk about how boobs being more than a C cup would be "disgusting" because it "doesn't fit in my hand" (WERE BOOBS ONLY MADE TO FIT IN YOUR GOD DAMN HAND, BOY?)

Tonight I sat through a conversation where females got flamed for "geng"-ing army because I made a comment how one of them was in Pes C and joked, "you geng army is it?" He got all defensive and said he didn't geng army and the real people that geng army are the girls. Why? 

"Because, you girls have your PERIODS! Y'all join the army, next time go to war with your period and you tell your sergeant that you can't go out to fight because you have your cramps hahahahahah." 

Other dumb ass statements that I had to sit through during a short 20-minute kebab run:

"Damn it, totally should have dated her when she liked me." "Why didn't you?" "She was fat and ugly." 

-talking about burps i.e. something that EVERYONE DOES but apparently it's more unacceptable for a girl to burp than it is for a guy to do so????- "Confirm girls who burp that loud no boyfriend." "Dude. Just because she burps, you think she doesn't have a boyfriend? Do you even KNOW what you're saying right now" 

It's really surprising how guys casually speak with such mindsets that they fucking own everything. From the opinions of our body, where women are in society (hint: males are better than women) and basically just everything is about MEN and women are just!! supposed!! to!! be!! second!! class!! and!! never!! of!! equal!! importance!! 

I get that we girls have "girl talk" and we gush about that cute guy with the hot body and nice hair, but I have never been in a conversation with girls where we speak of males as if they are of lesser importance in terms of where they stand in society and putting them down just because of their sex so effortlessly in our conversations. 

I'm probably not coherent with this point and this sexism thing is a very debatable topic and I am glad that there are many more articles and videos raising more awareness about the prevalent sexism existing in the world, including Singapore. I was just taken aback again by the bluntness of this very typical "bro" talk that I've recalled myself observing or sitting through back when I was growing up in Singapore. 

Tonight just reminded me that the attitude and perception that Singaporean guys have are still sexist and I am absolutely not okay with it. Some of my friends think it is cool to speak with guys on this "level" of "openness", or some laugh it off and have told me to "let it go Rachel, guys are like that one!" Why do we actually let them get away with these statements that are obviously offensive and derogatory to women and if anything, this "openness" clearly just shows the shit perceptions that society has instilled and taught young boys and girls on their unequal places in society? Ugh. 

Lock Down

YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." 

i can't leave even if I wanted to. 

I'm Trying To Forget

Though I know that no one's listening 
I nervously rehearsed for when you're around 
And I keep waiting like you might change my mind 

Who wrote the book on goodbye? 
There's never been a way to make this easy 
When there's nothing quite wrong but it don't feel right 
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

a rush of adrenaline, chest tightening, palms getting clammy
took a sharp breath, acted as if I saw nothing, but
(I like to shoot myself in the foot. A lot.)

Agitated because-
it should be long over by now.

Look at you, getting on with life and all that shit.

I gulp down that feeling-
stay in, deep inside the pits of my guts and don't ever come back out anymore

(occasionally my stomach churns because of you)

What's Mine Is Now Yours.

Tonight I stumbled across this line, "Because you can't lose something that was never yours." And then it made sense again. It's in these small moments I find a little bit of clarity in the mundane days that seem to so quickly go by. 

I got reminded of this conversation we had when we were whatever we were, and I jokingly prompted you, hoping you'd text me back with the word I've been wanting to get from you for so long, "mine."

All I wanted was for you to tell me that I was yours in that moment. But you took a long while to reply and I knew you were hesitating. You were always hesitating when it came to us, anyway. 

So is this why it is so easy for you? Because you never saw me as yours. I was never yours to keep and to hold, so it was okay for you to let go. Because, because you can't lose something that was never yours. 

For a very long time, whether I wanted it or not, you were something I called mine. My best friend. My first kiss. My first heartbreak. My first love. My second. Mine. 

Was I never yours?

Dreams Like These Don't Come True

Last night you snuck your way into my dreams again. 

It was after graduation, training day at the office, and the lifts stopped working and I had to take the stairs to head down for my lunch break. The floor was packed with people and everyone looked bored, tired and rude. They were all in white and I was getting anxious, the type of anxious that creeps up from the bottom of your stomach and constricts your breathing. I was looking for someone amongst all the plain-faced and blank stares I passed, but I didn't know the person I was looking for was you until I felt a hand grab me, and I turned around and saw your face staring right at me with a reassuring look that made any form of anxiousness melt away into the ground we were standing on. 

Suddenly we were in the school toilet, funny because you weren't from my secondary school, but whatever, it's a dream after all. Dreams like these don't come true. We were talking and laughing but no matter how hard I try to recall what we were laughing about, all I can see is our scrunched up faces laughing at something so funny, the kind of face I get to see on you on days where you're laughing your hardest. The purest and simplest type of laugh. I still don't know what we were talking about. 

I was dreaming that I was on my bed back in Singapore because it was double decker and the floor was parquet. You appeared on top of me and wished me good morning, with that smile of yours that I can't seem to erase off my mind. You hugged me and told me to get ready for something, and you inched your face so close to mine I swear I could see your eyelashes so upclose again. I say again because if I just reached out to touch your face in my dream, it would just be like what I used to do to you when we were seventeen- my fingers traced every groove of your face, from your eyebrows to your eyelashes, to your nose, and to your lips. You smiled, but our lips never touched in my dream. I smiled back and then you disappeared. 

Sometimes I wish we could be the best of friends without any of these non-platonic feeling, non-platonic kind of love. I've been okay the last 2 weeks, and I haven't felt like sinking yet. 

How are you? Are you eating well? I hope you're not only eating bread. Is she giving you your allowance now? Are you guys talking? Is everything at home okay? Is school okay? Did you run for committee in the end, after listening to what I had to say back in Jan? Are you contented? How are your siblings? Send a flying kiss to the younger one for me. (Stop being jealous all the time whenever I say that). Why do you still like her photos? Doesn't your heart skip a beat and your chest tighten when you see her with someone else? Have you completed that song you told me you were writing halfway? Does she make you happy,  like the real kind of happy, or is it just another infatuation? Are you in love? So are you the settler or the reacher? Are you starting to wear your heart on your sleeve a little bit more or you're still as closed up? No really, how are you? Have I ever appeared in your dreams like how you visit mine sometimes? Do you ever miss me? Have you formulated words and posts and songs and messages to try to talk to me, like what I'm doing now?  

(I try to wash you out of my mind every night whenever I take a hot shower)
((But these questions always seem to pile up and I don't know what to do))

15 Little Delightful Things

A few of the good things that have happened over the past week: 

1. Playing a game of very intense Monopoly at our place on Friday night

2. I woke up before 12 noon every day the last week

3. I even managed to wake up at 7 am to get Lune 

4. Skyped my brother for 3 hours and mum for 2 hours

5. $2.15 honey soy chicken drumlets from Woolies for dinner

6. Possibility of dad coming to my graduation

7. My housemate cooked us beef stew and it tasted divine

8. Mastered the art of cooking kimchi pancakes 

10. Prayed to God about my group mate woes and the next day He answered my prayers (Thank You Jesus)

hang in there, there's lots of good stuff that happened this week - I'm almost done. 

11. Stayed home the whole of Saturday and lounged about in pjs and a make up free face

12. Attended the Melbourne Queer Film Festival with Jodie. It was such an experience being part of something so inclusive, so welcoming and beautiful. Also bumping into our Media, Identity and Everyday Life tutor from last sem made my night. Turns out he was one of the judges for the Queer Short Film competition. 

13. Laughing so hard because Jodie said that our tutor probably thinks we're officially girlfriends now because he always sees us together, be it at tutorials, lectures, consults and queer film festivals. Defo lesbos. 

14. My best friend, Mistika, found my favourite Lipton Peach & Mango tea in the aisles of the supermarket in Singapore

15. Hot showers on Autumn nights here in Melbourne

This week I've learnt to find love in the small things. 

If I keep placing unrealistic expectations on myself and the things around me, I can never be satisfied with how everything plays out - regardless of how good I've actually got it. It's terrible, I know. So the last week was all about placing aside my obsessive need to achieve unrealistic shitty goals I set myself up for. I've changed my take on viewing things a little this week and with a wider heart and quieter mind, my heart is delightfully full. 

Old People Teach You The Greatest Lessons

Note to self: taking that 30-minute train ride down to Springvale to visit my grandaunt and granduncle is possibly one of the best decisions that I have made during this easter break. Staying over for the night is also the next best thing. 

I've promised them countless of times the past 4 years I've been in Melbourne that I would stay over at their place some nights, whenever I'm free, whenever I can. But obviously, that never happened because I was too caught up with my own life and always leaving them on the back burner, only responding to them whenever the old folks decide to give me a call to check up on me. 

This time around, I decided that I should just stay over for one night and they have wifi, anyway. Called my mum up and she told me, "yah, just go. Go and stay with the old folks, it will probably help you feel better about things, you know? To clear your thoughts." 

It's a wonder how my mum always picks the right words to say, because when she said that it immediately made me feel as though I made the right decision. I gave up a housewarming party to come stay over at my grandaunt's place and to be honest, it wasn't the usual struggle to make a decision (I usually hate not turning up for social gatherings that people have cordially invited me to) (I also hate turning down people because, what if they will never jio me again in the future?). Perhaps I haven't been in the socialising mood the past few weeks so this whole social gathering thing did not interest me at all, so coming to the suburbs seemed like a perfect getaway. 

My grandaunt is about 70% blind but she still cooks, cleans and gardens. Last night, she called me asking me what I wanted to have for lunch the next day when I came over, and I have been craving fried beehoon with her homemade chilli for the longest time, so I asked for that. She laughed and also threw in the surprise that she would be making curry chicken for dinner since I love to eat curry chicken. I stepped into their cozy house and gobbled up 3 plates of fried beehoon - it was my only way of conveying my thankfulness and gratitude for these two old folks for always watching out for me since I came to Melbourne 4 years ago. 

(she even cooked pulau hitam and steamed 2 red bean buns she made the day before!)

My grandaunt also set up the guest room for me- clean sheets, towels and even turning on the small lava lamp (hello 2000s?). This afternoon, while I was catching up on my youtube videos, I've seen how my grandaunt and granduncle spend most of their afternoons. 

My grandaunt makes a cup of tea for herself and turns on the radio, she switches it to the cantonese channel here and tells me in the afternoon they do a cantonese radio show and in the evening, they do a mandarin one. She worried about the noise distracting me but I told her it's fine, I don't understand cantonese, anyway. 

I started coughing and she asked me if I had a sore throat. I was just clearing my throat, I told her. She asked if I wanted a cup of tea as well and then proceeded to make me a cup of luo han guo. It's the sweetest thing because she didn't tell me that it was for my throat, neither did she offer me medicine - she just simply made me a cup and told me to be careful because it was hot. She probably thought I wouldn't know that this tea was luo han guo, and that this was the exact same drink my mother always nagged at me to take whenever I was down with a bad throat, so she just made me a cup with the thought of helping me with that bad throat she heard just now. 

They're a loving couple, really. Granduncle's really quiet, he never really likes to speak but he's always the one driving his grandkids around, playing with them and also always hustling to come pick me up from the train station when I get there. Granduncle's small actions always blows me away, reminding me that love is not only noticable in huge declarations of love, but in small thoughtful actions, especially in old age. 

It's always the small things. He reminds me so much of my own grandfather, how he used to cycle to the market to get my grandma durians because she said she was craving it and taking full responsibility whenever my aunt comes home to discover that grandma had devoured 2 durians all by herself. My grandma can't eat durians due to her diabetes, but my grandfather never cared for that. As long as grandma got what she wanted. 

My granduncle sits on the chair on the right side of the television and stretches out comfortably on it while watching his HK drama. But when my grandaunt walks out in her pjs and is all ready to join in on watching the drama, with literally NO communication needed, he slips down and sits on the floor, legs tucked in under his butt, close to the tv and close to her while she becomes the person that comfortably stretches out on the chair. He mumbles a few sentences in Hakka to her, I assume he's filling her in on the show and then, silence. My mother and I have stayed with them the first few nights when we came down to Melbourne when I was seventeen and she always tells me that that whole scene of them switching places and watching tv is one of her favourite scenes of them. Today while on the way to their place, she told me to keep a lookout for that, because, it's cute! 

I sent this to my mother a few minutes ago, before starting this post: Mummy, here's one of your favourite views. And mine, too. 

What I've realised, is that if you hang with them for a substantial period of time, old people always teach you the greatest lessons and remind you of the simplest things through their actions and sometimes, they don't even know it. 

Every time I come up to visit them, I always learn something new from them and get to hear of stories about our family I've never heard before. Like the other time, I learnt about how they met in the small factory in their kampung and one of my favourite things is listening to them tell me about how much my grandfather used to spoil me with buying the things I liked - he always chose the prettiest dresses at the market for me, and how he used to be the one to voluntarily carry me whenever I was crying. 

“你的公公最疼你的，每次都买东西给你，每次你哭的时候都是他抱抱你上来上去”

People always tell stories of the dead to keep them alive, that was something I wrote a while ago and it's true, you know. Every time I talk to my grandaunt and granduncle, I always find a little bit of my grandfather's stories within our conversations. Listening to old stories and recollections always has this effect on me, like the memories are being ingrained in us the more we talk about it. It is almost very cathartic in a weird way. 

All in all, it's been a good Saturday away from the city and immersing myself with the good company of family. It is always good to feel at home and at ease.