I think we’re meant to stay in the in-betweens. It’s the best way to keep whatever we would want to keep and distancing ourselves from any kind of tragic ending that we constantly foresee us getting into if we ever surpassed the line of being “just friends”.

When we’re in between, we can flirt without any caution and you’d brush your hands on mine without hesitation because we both know we won’t mount up to anything serious despite us wanting to. We can’t, because we simply don’t believe in it enough you don’t believe that you have what it takes and I don’t believe in being able to love you the way I want to. It’s sad and ironic I know but I think it’s best we stay as “in betweens”.

We don’t have to feel obliged to anything more than friends but we can allow ourselves to feel all the emotions we would want to feel as if we’re together. Loving each other without responsibility. It’s unsustainable and it’ll burn out. Hell, it’s been 6 years and I still love you. There’s never an end to it but we’ve never dared to put a start to our story. We’re constantly caught in between and that just seems to be the only way we can make us work, I’m starting to realise.

So that’s fine, and that’s okay. You can love me from afar and not act on it because you’re afraid. I’m afraid, too. If one day you gathered the courage to ask me to love you, I’d think twice because we’ve always stayed in safe greys and never in the honest truth that maybe, just maybe this isn’t that much of a fight.

of course, I'd pick the worst time to write anything here in this space. I've never been good with timing, anyway. Currently suffering from some mild food poisoning but it's been a reflective past few weeks - probably because of all this rain that's coming this January. It's a bit weird, to have the rain come a few weeks after December. 

reconnecting with an ex lover made me realise how much things have changed but also the irrational part of me will still pick the same person again, and again. I wonder why I'm always choosing them over anything else. objctively, will i advise someone on the same choices that my subconscious mind seems to wander into? I'm constantly closing my eyes with the thought of having a future again with this person. Romanticising isn't something that's good for the mind because it completely disregards the reality of heartbreaks, tragedy and old mindsets that broke us up anyway. 

I'm writing this to remind myself to snap out of this infatuation, of heading back to familiarity just because it's the only thing I have known. 

Wake the fuck up, Rachel. Things ended twice for a reason, and the third time won't be a charm.