10 years on

2 minutes ago she asked me if I still remember you. How can I forget? I replied. I'm the oldest grand child and I spent the longest time with him. She told me that I never wanted her to carry me whenever I cried, but would always crawl into gong gong's arms with him soothing me, "shh, it's going to be okay. It's okay, gong gong is here."

How can I forget? He was always the one protecting me, buying me ice cream, buying me the prettiest dresses and always coming over on hot sweltering afternoons with bags of fruits and paos when we moved out of Toa Payoh. 

I don't think of gong gong very often but tonight when she gave me this huge lecture about how my dad's temper is bad but his intentions are good - just like my gong gong. I felt this overwhelming sense of anger, guilt and sadness all at once. I wonder how my relationship with gong gong will be like if he was still alive now. Would I have lost all that biased perspective and slowly realize his flaws that caused my father to become what he is and ultimately project that onto the way he brought Joshua and I up? I don't know. 

I miss gong gong because when I was was younger, he was always a source of comfort. Someone that I could run to, someone that would express his love so outwardly, boldly and with certainty - I knew he loved me. There were no mixed messages, no scolding and then immediately demanding affection. I was taught what unconditional love was from him and as I grow older I'm starting to realize I don't see this anymore. Everything I do feels like a trade, always giving always wanting to take. The past few months I've been constantly giving and giving, not really believing that I have anything mine to take. Not thinking that I deserve anything more than whatever I'm receiving - which in my case is less than what I deserve (that's what my friends say, at least). 

I'm slowly sputtering towards an attitude of resignation where I accept things for what they are, with no expectations and no reason to want anything more than what it is. On the other end of the spectrum, my best friends are back in town and I want to fill myself up with conversations, art and good jujus. 

Anything new distracts the old, but how can I forget. How can I forget.