Nightblindness.

I’m lying on my bed flooded with so many thoughts invading my sleep again and wondering my brain loves sending itself into countless of made up scenarios, deductions and assumptions on situations that don’t / won’t happen.

I thought about what love meant and how we show them to each other, romantic or not. And the thought immediately came to mind when I switched off my light and the initial 10 seconds of complete darkness always scares me. My night blindness gets really bad and every time when I walk from my toilet to my bedroom in darkness, I’m always bumping into the chair despite both hands outstretched in front of my face. The inability to even make shapes of my hands in front of my face in darkness always scares me.  And then I remember Cheeks, in every single dark room we walk into when exploring art, in every dark area of the clubs, where it’s pitch black- she always instinctively grabs my hand and walks forward, leading the way. I remember the first time she did that, I felt comforted, safe and asked her why she did that. She casually shrugged it off and said, your nightblindness what. And when she took my hand to lead the way, there was so much certainty, safety, direction and comfort in that. That is love. That is also friendship. She knows I am afraid and I can’t see what’s in front of me. She became my eyes and my shelter.

And I am so thankful for that.

“It’s not a matter of why. It’s a matter of when. And when is always in Gods timing”

Tonight was a series of firsts for our family.

1. We all knelt down and prayed together. Each individual prayer carefully crafted and spoke straight from the heart.

2. A 3 hour family meeting to solotionise, empathise and rationalise things out for papa. We didn’t have dinner and had Milo instead.

2a. A family meeting whereby Joshua and I spoke like adults and our words were taken in as adults in the situation.

3. Within 2 hours of hearing the news, we hopped on the first flight out to KL to be with papa.

4. After praying, papa started uncontrollably sobbing- probably after holding it in for the whole day and mummy, Joshua and I embraced him. Mummy stroked his back with her quivering voice saying, “it’s okay. It will be okay.” Joshua and I were still in embrace- mummy hugging papa, then me and then Joshua. Joshua and I then left the room quietly, I went to wash the empty cups and Joshua went to shower.

5. For the first time, I am completely at surrender with god but at the same time with faith I believe that despite this shitty circumstance, we can get through this and the timing is divine as it could not have been at a better time whereby we have no more financial obligations.

In times of crisis management like this, I am very blessed to have god our understanding bosses in my life, my family, my Brother, my friends and there is really no one else I can thank but God.

It’s the fight or flight instinct that kicks your adrenaline and clarity back into perspective. Trying to solutionise, trying to empathise and be the pillar of support for your parents when both have broken down. For the children to grow up and be the source of strength. Today I heard my father cry on the phone for the first time, it’s humanising. But at the same time how does a daughters heart not break at the sound of her fathers sniffles and silence? He’s trying to keep his shit together and all I could tell him across the phone is that we will get through this together as a family. We will be there with him in a few hours. We’re going to be okay.

My Mother also told me she cried while trying to get her leave approved. My bosses also witnessed me cry today. After trying to be strong and talk through this with my Father, I collapsed into my seat and told my bosses I needed to take urgent leave. People really don’t fucking know the impact they cause to one another just based off selfish, evil desires. They lose the whole viewpoint of compassion and humanity. Only focused on ridding you out of the game.


I never want to see my parents so hurt. Neither do I want to see them cry.

When It Rains & A Lesson In Quantum Physics

It finally rained after a week of heat, sweat and humidity. There’s always a sense of relief when the rain comes after a week of hoping and wishing for cooler days. The thunder is comforting too. I’m lying in bed feeling a sense of peace come over me when I woke up to the sound of the rain and murmurs of thunder.

The last few weeks have been a total pain to crawl through. Most days I managed to function with my anxiety and desperation but the last few days I’ve been nearing breaking point. Last Thursday while being intoxicated, my friends told me I cried for 15-20 minutes. It wasn’t dramatic sobbing and heaving. Claudia said it was just the crying when the tears wouldn’t stop. When I asked her what I said when I was crying she said, “you didn’t say anything at all. You just sat there and cried.” When I heard that, I felt an unexplainable amount of sadness towards myself. Pity, almost. Poor Rachel, what happened inside that made you cry so badly like this? Even when drunk you couldn’t open up to talk about it. You don’t even know the trigger. You thought you had things under control.

In light of the quantum physics I learnt last night, classic computers now only work in binary terms, everything is either a 0 or a 1. Black or white. And a specific pattern of strings of 0 and 1 makes up different alphabets which in turn comes out as paragraphs of words and thoughts I’m typing out right now. Everything feels like a yes or no. A black or white. A 1 or 0. But what the quantum physicists are trying to create is a quantum computer, which enables a state called superposition - where it can be either a 1 or 0. They used a coin as an example. Superposition is when the penny is constantly being spun and doesn’t stop. It can always either be a heads or tails. Never binary. Always in the grey.    And I think that’s sort of what I’m working towards in therapy. To be okay in the grey and to live in a state of superposition where some things don’t necessarily have to be in binary extremes in my head. The spectrum exists, but the in between / middle ground is good enough. There was another concept they explained which is called entanglement. In the natural world, being entangled with something or someone - it’s easy to disentangle and disengage. But in the quantum world, when 2 or more qubits (quantum bits) are in a state of superposition and they can be entangled- that causes them to form a bond and become correlated to each other. Meaning that if one qubit is a heads, the other will be a heads. If it’s tails it will be tails. This state of entanglement will continue to multiply amongst the qubits to form an interlaced series of numbers. I think, one day when I get better, I still hope that there’s someone out there for me. I still wish for love and I get deeply afraid that I will never find companionship as we grow older. These days when I get nervous and anxious, I don’t really have a lot of people to turn to so I lie in bed and cry. Go to therapy. Work out. Everyone’s busy with life they don’t really have a lot of time to do the emotional labour for me.

I’m very tired trying to get better and work on myself but at the same time also trying to convince myself out of negative thought patterns.

Apathy Is A Funny Feeling

i keep looking for something even though i know it’s nothing. My mind is actively trying to defend, invlidate and block out any sort of regret. Like a snake shedding its skin. I don’t want to keep going back. I ducked and walked away.

Me vs Me

i wish I wasn’t so afraid to want, to be average, to cope properly with the fear of never being good enough, the pervasive thoughts of failing in every aspect in my life. My body has been rejecting these thoughts with anxiety kicking in, sending my mind and my heart into over drive. The smallest triggers no matter how hard I try to stop myself. To prevent myself from ever putting myself in situations. I wasn’t even that vulnerable. I kept an open mind and this still happens. I still hang by a thread. The thought that I shouldn’t have let myself gone this far will forever prevent me from ever forming anything more meaningful than what I’ve built with people in my life. I’m tired of trying and having my mind stop me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m better than before. That I’m improving. Like what I read today, the writer wrote that she’s afraid to feel because she is scared that the facade of the improved her will break and crumble and in the end all that she’s left with is her at her core. I’m not convinced I’ve changed my core. And now I’m afraid that whatever I thought I’ve achieved and worked out was all a facade and a trick my mind was trying to tell myself to get by day by day.