Photos:

Photos are good.

Photos take down memories, and sometimes capture emotions we don't get to see when we're too caught up in the moment ourselves. 

Photos are good. 

They let us remember. 

Photos are good. 

Especially the ones that are candid and filled with raw emotions. Sometimes we see chemistry, too. 

Photos are good.

Because I can remember what the stories were behind every photo that was taken. Like how I know she smiled like that to the camera because of the person behind the camera that was smiling back at her.  How we laughed at stories of france and idare camp over that wonderful newton dinner. 

Sometimes,

just sometimes-

Photos suck.

Because they remind us of memories we once wanted to hold onto so tightly-

but now we want them gone. 

I wish they were gone. 

But photos don't disappear. 

And the mind can't seem to forget. 

And sometimes, 

it still can't accept. 

Just sometimes.

Mental note II

You make yourself out to who you want to be with small decisions that you make every day. That's what changes you, most of the time. It's not those big ass gestures and plans that you make in order to turn your life around, though sometimes, that too sounds good.

But instead, it's the small plans you make. Small plans- in time to come, it'll work its magic. All we need is patience. I always tell people that patience is a virtue. It really is, but how often do we actually have the patience to do something? We always want the delivery now, never later. Guess patience is another thing I lack.

I suppose ending some things that were too toxic is a good thing. Ending something that didn't really have any proper beginning sucks, that I must confess. Mental note mental note mental note.
I'm glad.

Barely into 2013 and it feels as though everything that has happened is engulfing me into everything I don't want to be. But on a lighter note, I can feel myself coming out stronger after overcoming certain situations. I've also done many things I thought would just stay on my "Things To Do Before You Get Old" list forever. Proud to say I can strike some of those things off my list.

Still trying to keep up with the "What Are You Thankful For Today?" posts on my planner that Emily and I decided on back in Feb, to always, always remember to count your blessings. Being thankful for the small things is sometimes hard, so this will help remind me that when things get horrible and shitty, there's always something to be thankful for. So instead of being perpetually depressed 24/7, it's time to start being grateful for the small things that others have done for you.



Current update with life so far:

I am..... sleeping as late and I want and waking up to watch my korean drama. Yes. First korean drama I've watched ever since........ I was 11. It's been 7 years and it's still so addictive. *__*

Looking forward to flying over to sydney in 4 days' time!

Currently hungover thanks to the crazy drinking session last night at Tim's place. First time getting so drunk I couldn't remember any shit, first time puking my guts out after drinking. Well, that's 2 firsts. Never again, though.


Also, I've caved in and gotten THIS. So, ask away children. Be nice.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to

5:30 am crazy thoughts I welcome with open arms.

Currently lying in my bed surrounded by the best smelling stuffed toys- Rhonda, Mr fuzzles and Winston, wrapped up in my comfortable blanket and there's John Mayer playing on my speakers. Shuffle got it right tonight.

Some people just get it easy, huh.
Wealth, having the ability to spend.
Beauty, to have the capability to charm, to attract.
Talent, having the god sent ability to be able to be crazy good at a certain something.
(This includes being a heartbreaker, or being awesome at living through heartbreaks lol)
Aim, to have dreams and that drive to want to make it real.
Courage, to be able to take risks.

Happiness. To be content regardless of what situations they're in. "If this is the worst, might as well suck it up and embrace it."


One step at a time, one step at a time.

So far I have:
1. Gone to soundwave
2. Take a plane alone to Sydney (going to)
3. Stepped out of my comfort zone, made new friends


It's getting better. I'm older, things get clearer.
Does this even make sense?

Because soon, I am going to be able to untangle myself from all these regrets, feelings and mistakes and one day, it will be okay to think of you without hating whats become of us. One day I will be able to face everything without a tinge of.... all of these useless emotions. And that one day is soon. It has to be soon, desperately. I'm exhausted from feeling exhausted. Burnt out.

Maybe this short trip would help to stop my mind from unplugging itself and make it it seem as though I can't do anything to control my thoughts.

"How We Let People Go"

Came across this article I read in Thought Catalogue and thought that I should share it over here since this is very.... true. And I'm pretty sure most of us can relate to this.

Letting someone go — when it is a necessary act of self-preservation, something that has to come if you expect to move forward in life — is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotional trauma that once surrounded you like a kind of fog which prevented you from ever seeing the sun. 

People will tell you, always with the best intentions, that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you are okay, and your life is not immediately over because they are no longer a part of it. And this is true, though it’s not the net positive that we are so quick to label it as. Because it’s not as though you simply wake up one day and proclaim yourself fine, suddenly hearing birds chirp and children laugh after months of only your own oppressive silence. You simply start to forget, feeling the acute pain of the loss less and less as each day goes on. There will come a day when you don’t care, but you won’t notice it, because you will have other things to think about.

You cannot simply think about the time the two of you sat on the beach for an entire night, talking about your childhood, drinking the second-least-expensive wine you could find in the store. Because when you allow yourself to think about that, it will remind you of them as a whole, and will lead into all of the terrible things that happened after that night — not the least of which being their eventual departure. They exist within us as whole people, stories with beginnings and endings, and in order to let go of them we cannot choose the things we want to isolate for nostalgia. We have to stop caring what they would think if they saw us, stop worrying about running into them in the store, stop obsessing over the things we could have done differently to make them stay. And that means letting go of everything they meant to us, proving to ourselves that life can be just as good, just as beautiful, without them in it. 

This took everything out of whatever that has been clogging up my mind the past month or so and put it in words. Letting people go, it's just a terrible cycle that we all get put through. Family, friends, people we once loved. People we've once held onto so dearly soon become an acquaintance, merely an "ex-lover/best friend/friend". It's sad.

But that's okay because soon, you'll find someone to fill up the void. Or to at least make up for the emptiness the last person has bequeathed you with. And one day, I'll start to forget the small things. Your smell, the way you looked at me, the shirts in your wardrobe, our small inside jokes, the things we always laughed about. It's not that I want to, but it's only what it's supposed to be. We are what we are because it is what it's supposed to be.

I'm getting better but it's hard not to feel as though I'm missing a part of me sometimes. It's cliche and clingy and sappy and it sounds as though I'm not moving on. But I swear I am. I know I am, but there's a sick part of me that just wants to stay angry and bitter and hurt and broken, refusing to pick up the pieces. But what good will it do for me? Always, always at the losing end.

In the mean time:

When you realize, long after the fact, that you no longer care about someone — that what they are doing in life has no bearing on you, and vice versa — it feels very much like a small death. Who they were with you no longer exists, and you cannot even preserve it in your memory, for the sake of your own mental health.

PS. "I'm sorry for not trying hard enough." will always be etched in the back of my mind.
I thought I was the one with the little faith, but it turns out that you were the first to walk away. You gave me hope and made me believe that things would work out. I guess this is us "working out", and I suppose I'm happy. For you. Not yet for myself.


So this is me letting go. 

Self Medicate

The past 2 weeks summarized in pictures. And a few words.

Have been sleeping at around 3-4 am daily thanks to tim tam slamming which takes place almost every day (...night) and a crapload of bullshit talk with some of the best company ever. So thankful for the new feb kids that help me get through crazy hot days and boring study nights. :-)

And thanks to these poops, my diet has officially been screwed over. My exercise plans as well. I think I've gained back that 2 kg I lost the last month. And easter break is coming for me. Which means SYDNEY. Noooooooooooo.

3am fun in house 5 tim tam slamming and talking rubbish. In this case, a hair band on Philip's head made all of us laugh. 

The above photo was taken when it was a scorching hot 38 degrees in melbourne where I felt that my backpack was going to get burnt and I could barely open my eyes. 

And now, it's a happy chilled out 14 degree weather. This happened in a span of 1 week. 

So last friday there was a Singapore Society rubbish hang out get to know each other event thing that we decided to attend- only for the after party, which was clubbing. Headed over to Yin's friend's place for a predrinking session and made a bunch of funny friends. And headed over to Maze with Jasmine, Tim and Yin to meet the rest. 

(please excuse my fat and disgustingly white face I just wanted to take a photo of Jasmine drunk hahahaha)

Friday was a fun night. Crashed at Jasmine's place with Yin and then the next day I headed over to the suburbs to celebrate my second (?)  niece's first month! 

So precious. :') 

Met a few of their church mates which happened to be university kids as well and talked quite a bit. Was supposed to head back over to the suburbs again the next day for a birthday lunch again but in the end I didn't make it because........ I overslept. 

Coincidentally had the same #ootd as Lavelle despite being 2094393593 miles away from each other. Hahaahah, telepathy. 

Right after the lunch, went home to change into a pair of comfortable shorts and then headed out with the palmerston kids to Moomba festival! 

Moomba festival is basically a hugeass carnival with rides, food and game stations. 

Managed to catch the fireworks right after riding a super insane ride! Haven't watched a firework show this close ever since the year we headed to that starbucks near the Singapore river to countdown to 2010. 

Took that crazy spinning 360 degree ride with Joy on impulse. It's part of my YOYO plan. Daring to try something new. You're Only Young Once, right? 

All in all, that weekend was one of the most physically tiring weekends and by that saturday night, I knocked out. 

This week:

I am hereby introducing you guys to two of the craziest, lamest and sweetest people I've come to meet here in Palmerston- Shona and Philip. So glad that despite being so far from home, I've got someone retarded and crazy enough to crack lameass jokes, busting out inside jokes like no one's business.

"YOUR MOTHER LA" 

"apps you"

"CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?" 

And of course, annoying the shit out of everyone as well. Thanks to these two, pulling an all nighter never felt so.... not tiring. My own little source of energy and happiness to get me through the day. Especially the shitty ones. :') 

Those that know me well enough would know how OBSESSED I am with gongcha's peach green tea with white pearls. And how depressed I was when I found out that Singapore's gongcha terminated this amazing godsent drink. 

With that, you can only imagine how excited I was when I saw "Peach Green Tea" on the menu here in Gongcha. Literally squealing into Yin's ear when I found out that she could help us get a free upsize as well. Thank god for such friends hehehe >:)

Another thing I've learnt the past week: how do people actually POSE for #ootd shots. Tips, anyone? Because I tried. Man, I really tried. I just ended up laughing and being super awkward, or just jamming shamelessly in hope that the photos snapped would come out nice. 

Evidently not. Observe: Behind the scenes of Rachel's fail ootd shoot ha ha ha. 

I cannot strike a pose for nuts. 

 And the next day we decided to take it to a whole new level, where we went outside to attempt to be "artsy". And failed. Terribly. 

I'm pretty bummed out because it's autumn and its getting colder and I'm beginning to be more motivated to dress better. And it's a good time to start taking photos of the good days where I bother to dress appropriately for school.... before I start busting out the sweats and hoodies. 

Anyway, realised that many of my friends have never seen the street of my place and how it (kind of) looks like. Yup. That's me with a really idek-what-face-to-pull-when-taking-a-photo in front of Palmerston House!!!!!!!!! Palmerston pride. (ok not really)

 And below I attempted to help shona take a really nice photo but..... I can't work in front of a camera and neither can I work behind the camera. I shall just not work with a fricking camera anymore, right. 

Trying on Braden's Massimo shoes. *___* Am I swag enough now???

After snapping these ootd photos, headed out to grab some dinner with nette and isabelle + the above in the photo. It was fun catching up with the girls and hanging out with the feb kids as well. Makes me feel all sad about leaving Palmerston in a few months' time. :"(

A king sized nutella pizza for 6 hungry people. 

Pulled an all nighter on friday for the love of econs. Started work at 2am and slept at 7am. So grateful for Shona and Philip for keeping me company the whole time while I try to understand the market characteristics of perfect competition, oligopolies and monopolistic competition bla bla bla.

So it's been a really eventful 2 weeks, with a shitload of things happening around me. Managing to balance everything is actually pretty amazing. And I'm glad I'm still sane. Lesser and lesser deadlines as the weeks pass by and by the end of the coming week, it'll be just my econs paper left. and I CAN THEN PROUDLY SAY THAT I HAVE KICKED TERM 3 IN IT'S STINKY BUTT. 

It's the shittiest term, where every friday I think that I've survived one of the worst weeks of the term, but then it hits me that i have xxxx xxx xxx xxx xx to complete by the next week and we just go back to the beginning, where I just feel like shit. 

Knocked out in Mel and Joy's room for a good 30 minutes and here's what the boys did with their stuff toys. Piling it all next to me. And yes, this truly is the meaning of "Rachel's many sleeping endeavours"

Credits to Jamie for thinking of this brilliant idea back when we were in sec 3. 

Headed over for some Korean BBQ with Shona, Giselle, Sophia and Trudy tonight. Small world indeed. Tk girls are everywhere, even in melbourne. And a little familiarity is always welcomed. Glad to have these girls, laughing like crazy sharing stories about secondary school days and what not. Yay to good dinners and friends! :-) 

On another note, thanks to the insane workload and the crazy schedule, it makes it harder to keep up with my friends back in Singapore. Really miss my girls though. 

Sometimes things get tough over here and it's so heartwarming to just receive a "how's aussie" or "you'll pull through" or "don't give up!!" or some motivational text from the girls because to me, regardless of the fact that we might be crazily far apart (with jodie in china nicole in shanghai and the rest in singapore), we still bother to ask each other about our day and keep each other updated with our lives. At times I honestly think that we might have drifted and maybe we might never be as close as before. But Pam once told me, saying that we've been through more than I think we have and 5 years of friendship won't so easily be lost. I know this is true and I will believe that. 

Thank you girls for always, always being my rock no matter what the circumstances are. From comforting me from stupid useless heartbreaks since 2008, to encouragements during exams and the many other crazy memories we have all shared during our TK days and after our TK days.

Here's to more memories to come.

Have a great week you guys! xx

"Be yourself" they say.

I am myself
But sometimes
it is not enough



it is never enough

Repeat.

2009: 

1. I cried.

2. Wrote almost everything in my diary. Feelings, thoughts, emotions, bla bla. 

3. Ate non stop 

2010:

1. Cried.

2. Food.

3. Mope mope mope mope mope feel terrible mope mope mope.

2011:

1. Cry and cry and tried to cry everything out. I will forever remember sitting on the floor in my room, frantically dialling Nicole's number and bawling on the phone for 4 hours. I don't think I've cried for that long over someone before. So dumb.

2. Unhealthy habits. 

3. mope mope mope mope cry some more

4. Read old letters and messages.

And now?

2013: 

1. I can't cry anymore because I am a cold hearted bitch. (or i wish i was one) But really though I can't seem to bawl for 2-3 hours straight anymore. Does this mean I'm finally growing up!?!?! ha ha ha. 

2. Shortest mope time ever. But still the worst out of the bunch. 

3. Exercise and (trying) to be healthy because being active is scientifically proven to make one feel better. 

4. Surrounding myself with friends. A lot of friends. 

5. Reminding myself that sometimes I can mean something. 

6. Stop to take a look at the scenery and see how far you've come. 

7. I've learnt that if you repeat a lie enough times, it soon becomes the truth. So repeat I shall.