Spent the whole day in solitude today - something I haven't done in a long time.
The feeling's almost scary but sort of calming and it was very, very therapeutic.

Woke up at 1pm, lazed in bed till 2 because I was seriously contemplating if I should just mope in bed since I felt like crap. Gathered up enough determination within me to get up, wash up and head to the library. Camped at the library for about 3 hours of unproductive study, half of the time texting and the other half getting confused with the different sections in corporate law. Walked to Big W and Woolies in the city to finally get some food to replenish my fridge that has been empty the past week. Can't believe I lugged 3 plastic bags worth of food and a laptop back from the city all the way to my house, by feet. I thought it'd be good exercise, and my cardio for the day. Came home, turned on the drama I've been currently watching while preparing to steam my chicken drumsticks in between. After 3 hours of preparing my dinner, I did it. The steamed chicken turned out amazing and I treated myself to a bowl of rice to accompany the sauce. Cried through 2 episodes of the drama alone, while having my dinner. Thankfully the 3rd episode was less depressing and now I have to wait for the next episode to come out on tuesday.

I spoke to no one the whole day, I didn't open my mouth to interact with anyone besides the "thank you"s I mumbled along to the people working at Big W and Woolies. It's something so therapeutic, to be in solitude for a whole day.

Even without talking to anyone today, I'm so worn out. My mind has been all over the place the past few days and today has been good to me. It was a good day. I've taken my sleeping pills and now its about time to knock out. Goodnight world.

Relapse 1

I used to cut so deep.

The last few days I've been listening to too many heart to heart stories from the people around me and it's been a while since I've heard this much and felt this much. I cant help feeling this way because I empathise so much with the situations they've been going through. These issues have surfaced in my head a couple of times but my instinctive reflex would be to just push it to the back of my head and charge on forward. Once in a while I get reminded of these things again and it's hard to stop thinking about it. Where I've been, who I was, what I've became out of this situation.

Its almost the case that when I was placed in that bad period, I ran away from it with scars all over. But instead of letting myself heal, all I ended up doing was causing myself more harm than good. I left with scars, and set myself up for even more damage. Almost feeling completely worthless and empty.

This is why I've recently developed a dislike for having heart to hearts. It makes me feel too much. I haven't felt this much in a really long time and I'm used to it. To not feeling at all. To be comfortable with just saying "I'm fine" and actually really being fine. The only replies I manage to muster will always be, "yeah I understand" and I really do. But I will never find the courage to open up my heart and tell anyone else about my past anymore because the last time I did, I ended up in a wreck. It's almost like a reflex now, that when people probe me on for my past experiences, I just brush them off in the most casual way. It's sickening to be this way, disgusting, really. But I guess this is what I've become and what I will be.


note to self: even just typing this makes me feel nauseous and I feel like I'm about to puke. ugh stop all of this please

Weekend getaway: SSS Survivor Camp 2014

(it says Gal but our group is actually GALU ok)

Went to camp with a bad throat. Left camp with a aching body, bruises from getting water bombed, a blocked nose, and a slight fever. Don't know if I should say it was all worth it because I have school tomorrow and I'm totally not feeling the business right now. 

But I didn't expect camp to be this fun. So I guess I'm glad I went. Met quite a bit of new people, with quite interesting viewpoints on things since there was quite a heavy bonding session over the huge campfire last night. Had heart to hearts with my girlpwens, glad this camp brought us closer together. 

Shared a lot of laughs throughout the weekend and the place we stayed at was a great escape from the bustling city so all is well. 

NEED to feel better soon :-( hate falling sick without my family around. 

Heading off for a camp I don't even want to be at in a bit.......
This sounds really bimbotic and stupid but one of my biggest worries would be having to be makeup-less in front of a group of strangers I barely even know. Yes, I've been so reliant on make up until I can't even go without it in front of people. Sometimes I really don't know how to cope with all these insecurities eating me up and I barely talk about it because I feel like it's so attention seeking??? I don't know its just useless rambles and I hope that it gets better soon because nothing at the moment seems to be getting better. I blame school.

Fingers crossed I'll be able to make friends even without my makeup on revealing my really crappy face. Blergh. Gonna miss being in my tiny ass college square room for a bit. :-(

Invisible.

It always pays to be one of the few sober ones in the club at 2 am, watching all the drunk guys and girls who can't even seem to stand right try to make their way for another drink at the bar. It's like watching the tv. Like there's this shield of glass I'm behind, and can't seem to understand anything that is going through their minds. Being at the same place but feeling completely detached from it, does anyone know what I mean? No? Maybe it's just me.

Even just sitting down, guys will deliberately stare at you longer than usual just to catch a glimpse of your face to see if you're pretty or not. If you are, then probably they'll gather up some more liquid courage and then ask you to dance or just try to strike up some lame i-am-sober-but-i'm-obviously-not conversation. This is all from experience because I've got Jasmine by my side the whole night and trust me, she gets a lot of action in the club. Extra attention since the club we went to was extremely trashy last night.

Most of the time I really don't mind being the "that pretty girl's friend" or someone that guys use to talk to my friends. Last night I guess I observed more than I usually would and I found out something. It's like I'm almost invisible. God, I stand at 1.73m and I can have a day where I feel completely invisible. Ha ha ha hahahahaha it really amuses me!!!!11!!11!1

There was a situation last night, where it was jasmine, some stupid dog V and me standing in a circle. Obviously, V was thinking through his dick and probably way too much alcohol, he just started using tacky gross pick up lines on Jasmine. And when I talked to jasmine he cut me off and totally moved me out of the conversation circle. Rude, offensive and shameless. I jokingly told him that if he wanted to try to hit on jasmine at least do it subtlety, and not tell me that he wants to talk to the both of us where I have to take his shit as well.

In the queue with his two other dog friends, V felt bad cause he "ignored" me just now and was trying to talk to me about guys that he'll help me pick up, which I kindly declined. His other dog friend, who I really did not like since he dissed Singapore so badly a few minutes after meeting him - told him "awwww shit bro, its like a fuckin rule not to ignore the girls friend that you're trying to hit on!"

All in all, I fucking hate trashy desperate disgusting boys who think through their dicks and it really has been a long time since I've felt so invisible? not regarded as a human/girl? (please note that when I mean "not regarded as a girl" I do not mean just cause I didn't get to have crappy pick up lines used on me ok lol try being the only girl out of three doing a bro handshake with them and listening to them talk about private parts very explicitly, getting used to get to the girls they like - which obv i said fuck off to and having them blow smoke all over my bloody face)

It wasn't with the best company last night, and its one of those times I really hate clubbing because everything is so bloody superficial and judgemental and it just really scares me sometimes.

11th October 2012 Secrets

"My mind was desperate to remember everything because my head kept telling me to live in the moment, because when I come back in December, it might not be the same as it is now. 

I can't hold you like you are mine anymore. 

So we talking about the future very briefly, which included 'what if we fight?' 'you have to apologize first.' 'No. You have to talk to me!' 'We'll find a way to work things out. Plus, we never fight.' 

We held hands on the escalator and cuddled like those annoying couples we usually scoff at for pda-ing on the escalators - I didn't care, it was our last night together. When we reached the top, we let go. Back to normal. It hurt, but I guess it was alright. 

Maybe in a years' time I'll forget how this 2 weeks made me feel, heart racing, breathless and all that. Maybe I'll find another person that will leave me feeling more than this. Or maybe you'll meet someone that gives you everything that you deserve and more. 

But at this moment, I'm taking things as it is and I guess I'm pretty okay with things now. Bad things have stopped haunting me that often and I'm okay. I will believe that."

Year 1, Sem 2.

Photo Creds: yy

The above photos basically summed out my first weekend back here in Melbourne.

 Not too shabby, I must say. 

Relatively crazy friday night, made new friends and bumping into old ones here and there. Road trippin to pick strawberries out in the suburbs, getting lost in the suburbs while finding the winery with really good moscato, blasting Avicii non stop with the best company. Life is always good when you have friends with cars. Sports cars. Yissss. Moomba & froyo in the evening, basically draining any remaining energy I had left. 

Slept through sunday and woke up to grab more froyo. 

(I might or might not need a restraining order from froyo) 

(it is also a terrible idea to have froyo right behind my place, which is a 3 minute walk away) 

Cheers to more weekends like this! 

Week 2 of uni, let's go. 

It's happening it's happening it's happening!!!!!!!
The pressure is just beginning to build up, and it already feels as though I've lost the battle.
People I've been hanging with started studying already, pressing the "urgent" button in my head and I'm trying to control myself from entering another panic attack. Omg so pathetic and lousy. 2nd day of school and I feel like a complete loser.


Stop whining and push forward. There's no way but up right now. You have to give it everything to get at least something.

Back in Melbourne for the gazillionth time. I think I'll never get used to leaving. 

It's back to school and really attempting to get my life on track this semester. 

Really dreading uni to start and the crazy amount of pressure I'm going to put on myself for myself and everyone else. 

Unpacking is such a chore. Decided to make myself feel a little bit happier by decorating my sofa from its ugly brown podka dot design to this. 

Who needs #100happydays when there's #1happymoment. Ha ha ha. 

School in 2 days! Year 1 sem 2, please please please be good to me.