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The last few days I've been listening to too many heart to heart stories from the people around me and it's been a while since I've heard this much and felt this much. I cant help feeling this way because I empathise so much with the situations they've been going through. These issues have surfaced in my head a couple of times but my instinctive reflex would be to just push it to the back of my head and charge on forward. Once in a while I get reminded of these things again and it's hard to stop thinking about it. Where I've been, who I was, what I've became out of this situation.

Its almost the case that when I was placed in that bad period, I ran away from it with scars all over. But instead of letting myself heal, all I ended up doing was causing myself more harm than good. I left with scars, and set myself up for even more damage. Almost feeling completely worthless and empty.

This is why I've recently developed a dislike for having heart to hearts. It makes me feel too much. I haven't felt this much in a really long time and I'm used to it. To not feeling at all. To be comfortable with just saying "I'm fine" and actually really being fine. The only replies I manage to muster will always be, "yeah I understand" and I really do. But I will never find the courage to open up my heart and tell anyone else about my past anymore because the last time I did, I ended up in a wreck. It's almost like a reflex now, that when people probe me on for my past experiences, I just brush them off in the most casual way. It's sickening to be this way, disgusting, really. But I guess this is what I've become and what I will be.


note to self: even just typing this makes me feel nauseous and I feel like I'm about to puke. ugh stop all of this please