Fragments Of You That Haven't Left

I've always hated on your stupid
Mont Blanc Legend
boys at zouk always smell like that
but now I catch a whiff of you on the MRT,
on that boy that tried to talk to me in between drunk kisses at zouk,
and I brush it off like it's nothing
I whisper and roll my eyes,
"stupid douchebag of a cologne"
as if that was a
perfect explanation of why
you would do what you did to me.
(I'm always trying to find you in them)

I've always mocked your annoying
flirting and god damn it, your winks.
and never understood why those
innocent conceited convent girls
fall for your cheap words so effortlessly
perhaps
they were sweet enough
to move boulders - not mountains, in their feeble hearts.

But now after having her send messages-
cringe-worthy, lousy attempts of sticking adjectives and lies into sentences,
I recall your cheap words
and realised that
perhaps
they were really
sweet enough
smooth enough
and caused ripples - not waves, in my tired heart.
(I'm always trying to find you in them)

And like a fish in the ocean
hungry and greedy for food,
I caught onto your tasteful words like fish bait and
was hopelessly hooked onto it
I could not let go to let myself swim freely once again nor
to have a small bite of the other
small, bland, pathetic fish bait next to me.

I've always despised the way you give false hope
your insincerity
your deceitful words
how I used to hold onto them
so tightly
as though believing in those lies harder would actually
have you fucking do it.

But now after getting acquainted with strangers that know
nothing about me but
wanting to know something about me
wanting to get something from me,
I've had my fair share of making empty promises and reciprocating
"I miss you"s and "you're so cute"s without feeling
a single tremor in my broken heart,
without feeling
a single flutter of wings from the butterflies that were supposed to be trapped in my stomach
perhaps they were too tired from all the fluttering around
when I was with you.
Through my emotionless, disinterested words,
I found a little bit of you that I hate
in me.