"I forgot that in this process you're also losing one of your best friends hey"

I think it's hitting me in waves - on the walk home on Friday night, my brain finally allowed some sort of emotional capacity to process everything that's been happening outside of work this week to hit me. And then I walked past places that contain memories of the both of us, lowkey annoyed that I let you so close to my everyday places and now I can't seem to look at that playground the same way before anymore. It's the gut-wrenching, heart sinking kind of feeling as dramatic as it sounds. I know I've been outwardly pouring out all my sadness to my friends and they've been nothing but patient, supportive and angry for me. The first few sentences that they blurt out is "you deserve better", and if they're all singing the same tune, it must mean something right? 

But I think the pain stems from the fact that while I get over the fact that maybe we can't date / we're not romantically compatible as much as we'd want us to be... I'm also in the process of losing a friend I hold so close to my heart. I think that stings the most. The helpline is gone, I can't cry to you on the phone anymore, and despite you being the first person I still think of whenever I get caught up in sticky situations- like that time I got pickpocketed in Paris, I can't call you anymore. I miss you so fucking much. If this romantic thing is ruining everything we have, I want to throw it all away and reset and restart and we can go back to being just friends, just talking and bantering and you'll still be there for me when I need you and you can still call me out whenever you're having your heartbreaks or when you get that first job. I'm bummed that I might miss your graduation, your birthday, your first day at work. I want to be there for you to celebrate all of that, but it seems like it's so fucking hard to even be able to do this. I hope I can. 

I'm losing a best friend and it feels like a huge gash that I can't stop the bleeding. The more I try to stop it, the deeper the wound. I can't bring myself to say goodbye to this. I want you to talk to me. I want us to be talking. But there's no remedy in trying to salvage this friendship. 

Fucking Marmalade Pantry and Koi

you can't always talk about having freedom and your dislike on being controlled by your ex girlfriends and now i'm starting to realise that they're perhaps not as psychotic as you made them out to be. you probably never gave sufficient assurance, and you just went your way and met other girls and had other conversations with them. your ex girlfriends got angry and you got upset because you said they were being jealous/unreasonable. you said you didn't lie about meeting the other girls, but maybe you just dodged the topics and didn't tell your ex girlfriends. you technically weren't lying. but if you keep hiding behind these technicalities, then will you ever confront the way you've been so inconsiderate towards the people you claim you love? you can't say that they don't trust you enough...! if you're behaving/communicating like this and going behind their backs, how the fuck do you excpect them to trust you? in fact, you've just given them more reason to not trust you. you build trust by telling your ex lovers that you're meeting other girls and you assure them that everything is going to be okay. communicate however you need to to be able to give that assurance. it's only basic respect to the partner you're with. 

you've expressed your feelings but you haven't taken action and that's no longer fair because i've reciprocated and told you what i wanted out of this. if you can't decide and if you don't want to take responsibility and accountability of working on this with someone then why should i bother and why should i care? how can you do this thinking that it's okay? it's extra upsetting because you were one of my best friends, and the more i keep reflecting on these situations, i'd give anything to go back to our once-in-a-while catch ups, with the surface banter and questions. i don't have to think about you constantly and maybe whenever we both feel sad about certain things in our lives, we can fall back on each other for temporary emotional support. you can't do permanent. 

a lot of thoughts are mostly self inflicted and your mind usually sends itself into overdrive. If it’s not thinking about how much grey we were in, it’s about cutting you off completely and missing you. If it’s not replaying what happened those nights, it’s remembering what happened on our almost dates. after we spoke and you told me what you told me, it was relief at first. Then now I’m somehow doing this thing to convince myself otherwise. I’m still retreating even though I thought I’ve confronted my emotions. Is this supposed to be an every day challenge? It’s supposed to be easy. I don’t know why I feel like I’ve put my walls up and I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. How have we been communicating.

Didn't Want To Start A Losing Game

Stop finding things that you lack in people and learn to be self-sufficient.

(I don't think I'll ever be ready.)