"I forgot that in this process you're also losing one of your best friends hey"

I think it's hitting me in waves - on the walk home on Friday night, my brain finally allowed some sort of emotional capacity to process everything that's been happening outside of work this week to hit me. And then I walked past places that contain memories of the both of us, lowkey annoyed that I let you so close to my everyday places and now I can't seem to look at that playground the same way before anymore. It's the gut-wrenching, heart sinking kind of feeling as dramatic as it sounds. I know I've been outwardly pouring out all my sadness to my friends and they've been nothing but patient, supportive and angry for me. The first few sentences that they blurt out is "you deserve better", and if they're all singing the same tune, it must mean something right? 

But I think the pain stems from the fact that while I get over the fact that maybe we can't date / we're not romantically compatible as much as we'd want us to be... I'm also in the process of losing a friend I hold so close to my heart. I think that stings the most. The helpline is gone, I can't cry to you on the phone anymore, and despite you being the first person I still think of whenever I get caught up in sticky situations- like that time I got pickpocketed in Paris, I can't call you anymore. I miss you so fucking much. If this romantic thing is ruining everything we have, I want to throw it all away and reset and restart and we can go back to being just friends, just talking and bantering and you'll still be there for me when I need you and you can still call me out whenever you're having your heartbreaks or when you get that first job. I'm bummed that I might miss your graduation, your birthday, your first day at work. I want to be there for you to celebrate all of that, but it seems like it's so fucking hard to even be able to do this. I hope I can. 

I'm losing a best friend and it feels like a huge gash that I can't stop the bleeding. The more I try to stop it, the deeper the wound. I can't bring myself to say goodbye to this. I want you to talk to me. I want us to be talking. But there's no remedy in trying to salvage this friendship.