Snapshot Infatuation

very quickly I find myself falling back into the same patterns. infatuated, got some sort of reciprocation, mildly obsesses over it for like, a day. And then let’s the thought manifest into this gigantic monster without the person I’ve been so fixated on do anything at all. And then somehow my brain psychs itself up with all these amazing dreamlike thoughts and then, no response. Because it was nothing and it was realistically and rationally thinking- completely okay to not reply my message. But then I fall asleep and suddenly dreamt of him being with the girl he was with when I last met them. It’s always the same patterns. People I’m interested in always, always leave me in my dreams and I will always dream of them happier with their exes/someone new. 

It’s  like a mental cockblock and self denial. But also this obsession on wanting them to want me. It’s so frustrating to be stuck in this thought process and I can’t seem to shake it off. 

Fears.

I flipped through my diary that I've kept since the beginning of this year and page after page, I found myself writing about missing you, wanting you... the crazy obsessive need to be validated and wanted by you creeps under all the words I've scribbled across pages. 

The podcast I was listening to this week spoke about how most of the crazy shit / anxieties that we have are fueled by some sort of fear and the sooner we are able to recognise, identify and take action on resolving that fear... the better we get at controlling and accessing our situations. The two most common fears, the fearologist said on the podcast, was the fear of not being good enough and the fear of not being in control. It was comforting to know that these fears were common and that basically majority of the people who walk this earth all struggle with the same crazy shit. We just all process and act upon these fears differently. 

And because we process them differently, we project them onto our relationships, the way we communicate and handle situations in a wide spectrum of ways and methods. So are we truly better than the other person who made a mistake in your eyes because she was also afraid to feel like she wasn't good enough? Or do you think that you're better because you are angry that that mistake hurt you and shattered the illusion that made you think that you were good enough? That you were wanted? We both wanted the same thing from the same horrible person that was also probably fucking shit up with us because of his fear of not being in control. Aren't we all doing things ultimately to make ourselves feel better? 

We're all selfish motherfuckers charged with guilt and more guilt. So why am I sitting here feeling like I'm bearing the weight of all three of our selfish wants that transpired into all the words, anger and hurt everyone felt when things finally burst into flames last week?

Turtles.

perhaps it’s instinct. too often I find myself writing, thinking and saying that I build too many homes in people and the issue is that people often change and they sometimes leave your life. I think about the friends that have been so important in shaping my 2018 for what it was and sadly, today, I have either lost them, ended one, broke another and drifted from the rest. so perhaps it’s instinct. my defence mechanism like how a turtle ducks its head into its shell whenever it senses danger around. the pst two weeks I’ve drifted between work, coming home and working out. Never really attempted at restoring anything in my life. kind of stopped texting. My chats have been the most stale it has ever been. Anything I’ve communicated verbally consists of 90% work and 10% telling my mum sweeping statements about how my day went. 

Last week I dealt with the emptiness. I felt like I lost all my friends and I don’t really feel like being friends with them anymore. I contribute nothing to their lives and it seems like their lives didn’t flinch at all when I’ve been so out of touch. 

This week that feeling of emptiness has mellowed down and the fear of failure has started to loom over my head almost every single day and I nearly went back to Xanax because I didn’t want my chest to tighten so much and feel as if I have disappointed the whole world when in fact I have not. It is only a failure and disappointment to myself. And to think that as the whole world feels a little narcissistic which I also have a problem with. There’s been a lot of problems lately. 

Told myself that I needed to go back to therapy but something always holds me back. Too lazy to verbalise. I’ve gone so long without catching up with friends, without having any interconnection with people that I guess I used to care about. It’s getting okay for me now. I’m better with the silence of everything. 

so maybe that is why I’m trying to say that my mind is finding a way to duck itself away from a lot of problems that are mostly self inflicted by hiding away and refusing to connect, talk and reach out to friends. in the same vein, it feels like I’ve already lost them either way.