Turtles.

perhaps it’s instinct. too often I find myself writing, thinking and saying that I build too many homes in people and the issue is that people often change and they sometimes leave your life. I think about the friends that have been so important in shaping my 2018 for what it was and sadly, today, I have either lost them, ended one, broke another and drifted from the rest. so perhaps it’s instinct. my defence mechanism like how a turtle ducks its head into its shell whenever it senses danger around. the pst two weeks I’ve drifted between work, coming home and working out. Never really attempted at restoring anything in my life. kind of stopped texting. My chats have been the most stale it has ever been. Anything I’ve communicated verbally consists of 90% work and 10% telling my mum sweeping statements about how my day went. 

Last week I dealt with the emptiness. I felt like I lost all my friends and I don’t really feel like being friends with them anymore. I contribute nothing to their lives and it seems like their lives didn’t flinch at all when I’ve been so out of touch. 

This week that feeling of emptiness has mellowed down and the fear of failure has started to loom over my head almost every single day and I nearly went back to Xanax because I didn’t want my chest to tighten so much and feel as if I have disappointed the whole world when in fact I have not. It is only a failure and disappointment to myself. And to think that as the whole world feels a little narcissistic which I also have a problem with. There’s been a lot of problems lately. 

Told myself that I needed to go back to therapy but something always holds me back. Too lazy to verbalise. I’ve gone so long without catching up with friends, without having any interconnection with people that I guess I used to care about. It’s getting okay for me now. I’m better with the silence of everything. 

so maybe that is why I’m trying to say that my mind is finding a way to duck itself away from a lot of problems that are mostly self inflicted by hiding away and refusing to connect, talk and reach out to friends. in the same vein, it feels like I’ve already lost them either way.