Fears.

I flipped through my diary that I've kept since the beginning of this year and page after page, I found myself writing about missing you, wanting you... the crazy obsessive need to be validated and wanted by you creeps under all the words I've scribbled across pages. 

The podcast I was listening to this week spoke about how most of the crazy shit / anxieties that we have are fueled by some sort of fear and the sooner we are able to recognise, identify and take action on resolving that fear... the better we get at controlling and accessing our situations. The two most common fears, the fearologist said on the podcast, was the fear of not being good enough and the fear of not being in control. It was comforting to know that these fears were common and that basically majority of the people who walk this earth all struggle with the same crazy shit. We just all process and act upon these fears differently. 

And because we process them differently, we project them onto our relationships, the way we communicate and handle situations in a wide spectrum of ways and methods. So are we truly better than the other person who made a mistake in your eyes because she was also afraid to feel like she wasn't good enough? Or do you think that you're better because you are angry that that mistake hurt you and shattered the illusion that made you think that you were good enough? That you were wanted? We both wanted the same thing from the same horrible person that was also probably fucking shit up with us because of his fear of not being in control. Aren't we all doing things ultimately to make ourselves feel better? 

We're all selfish motherfuckers charged with guilt and more guilt. So why am I sitting here feeling like I'm bearing the weight of all three of our selfish wants that transpired into all the words, anger and hurt everyone felt when things finally burst into flames last week?