starting on my 5 day countdown to nua-ing.
well not really. More of not working and trying to do more productive stuff before school starts.

Okay so there's a few things I would like to discuss about.

I've recently started to think maybe my aunt's best friend/ our family friend-ish is really quite a bitch, sometimes. I mean i really love her, treat her as a family and stuff but i don't know, the things she's been saying to me lately seems like there's always an underlying meaning to it. Something along the lines of saying I'm fat, or I'm lazy, or pointing to the fact that my mother's lazy (wtf even)

so the past week i was bounded to my aunt's office every day, and because i'm on my period, i tend to eat a lot. And every day for lunch, I eat rice. First of all, is it such a crime to want to eat rice? I mean, personal preference. So by wed/thurs she asked me what I wanted for lunch and I said "anything with rice, please" and she laughed at me and told my aunt, in front of my face "hahaha look at her face. So round already still want to eat rice". I mean, what is she, THIN? She isn't really in the right position to comment on my fatness..? And then she proceeded to buy me rice with 2 of my most hated veggies and fried fucking pork. I hate fried pork. I almost wanted to say if she commented on the fact that i'm fat, why the fuck did she get me fried lard. That's disgusting.

and then we had dinner tonight at my aunt's place, and because they're all old they like to camp in front of the tv and watch that damn taiwanese drama which i absolutely hate. So i fell asleep on the sofa, and she woke me up asking me to sit straight and not be so "sloppy looking" added with a slight laugh. She offered me some cherries to eat, i very politely declined the offer and she commented "wow rachel you have a list of things that you are very fussy about and you have a lot of things you dont like to eat ah". Hi i eat cherries, okay? But i don't feel like eating cherries the minute i get woken up from my sleep just to sit bloody straight.

I'm not pissed by the fact that she indirectly commented on my weight gain. I know I've gained weight so fuck it. but the fact she always has comments that always ALWAYS has an underlying meaning to it......... i just want to slap her face.

Another thing is.......................... dumb people making fucking dumb comments when they don't know the whole story. Or the whole situation, for that matter. I'm not wasting half a year before i go to trinity. These past few 7 months has been so memorable in every way. And only going in july would also allow me to experience poly life for 2 months and i think it's a wonderful idea. Rather than collecting my O level results in the end of jan and immediately go and apply for the feb intake without proper mental preparation and without saying proper goodbyes. People that have gone for the feb intake might end foundation year earlier than those that are going to the july intake, but we start our university courses almost at the same time so it doesn't really matter. Saying that "you've wasted 7 months doing nothing" is complete and utter bull fucking shit. I have never wasted these 7 months and i'm not planning to, i've spent it with my friends and my family, i'm going to poly...I don't and won't regret it at all. Just cause you didn't let your child have the chance to go overseas, doesn't mean you just make such stupid comments, especially in front of me. And because you said it with such a tone that sounds like you're almost saying that I made a mistake and its such a stupid choice and that you're right (and I've always hated the tone that people use when they think that THEY'RE RIGHT and everything others do is WRONG), you're kind of implying that my parents are also dumb enough to let me go to aussie, so............ wtf nigga. that's just pathetic


ok end of rant.

12:23 AM

Currently, these 2 are my happy videos.

Sometimes there are harder things in life that people have to face, so why not you quit your whining and get over it.

shit just got real shit just got real shit just got real
dad's gonna get the bank draft and we're gonna send in the deposit soon.

It was a homely weekend and i enjoyed every bit of it. Celebrated my dad's birthday with a huge family dinner last night. Today i bought my family chicken rice for lunch (well, half bought because i could only contribute half) and then later on in the evening we had the best indian food ever at Banana Leaf Apollo. Fish head curry, naan, chicken. it was so good.

Oh and I managed to catch "The Notebook" last night. I haven't fully popped out of that........ i dont know how you call it but i guess maybe its a fantasy bubble kinda thing? I was on full on sobbing mode when i watched that movie. Jamie, you up for it? Guys we should go on a sappy sad movie marathon. ok. biathalon. A Walk To Remember and The Notebook. How about that?

Hope everyone's weekend went well!

Sometimes I wish i could just............disappear.
Here's one to make you laugh. I hope I'm ugly enough to cheer you up. Sucks being sad all the time.

Working at Paul's really allowed me to mix with people from all different walks of life. I mean really, i honestly think i've been too wrapped up in a bubble that i don't seem to understand a lot of other things. After hearing some of my colleague's stories, it really woke me up. Maybe what i'm facing now isn't complete shit, and what i'm doing now might actually seem so hard for some people to achieve. I shouldn't be moaning and complaining when there's others out there who want it so bad but have to go through so much shit in order to achieve it. I don't know any other way to put it......

I had a conversation with one of the full time girls working there today, found out she quit school when she was 14, never did Os and she's 19 now and she wants to go back to school but can't because money is the issue and there is just too much to consider.

Had lunch with another full timer, asked her why she decided to do F&B since this sector is really very demanding and such. Found out she has always dreamed of opening a cafe of her own, and thinks that in order to run a good business, starting from scratch would be one step in the right direction. She's going to SIM to complete her 13 months diploma and going to Manchester to finish up her management degree. She's doing all this just to achieve that dream she has always wanted.

Towards the end of my shift, one of the full timers was on break and we started chatting. From how I found the work here, why I was quitting, why he quit his previous job, why he quit school. Also, he mentioned that he suddenly realised that school is important and not completing Os was not right. He told me he wanted to go back to school, complete Os and really straighten his life out. He regretted not studying, he let his parents down and now he wants to go back to the right track again but he admitted that he didn't know where to start. He looked so shagged from all this workload. Too much for a 19 year old. The only thing i thought of at that point was to help me search for any private schools that would take him in at this time of the year for the O levels prep course and I told him I believed in him. I don't know how much he wants this but I guess there's no harm trying to help him go back to school. I guess after everything he went through, you gradually lose faith in yourself and maybe the people around him lost faith in him long ago and sometimes it just takes one person to believe in him again that he might be able to succeed. Well, I hope I'm not wrong. Having hope is a good thing, right? Even if it's in a person I barely know for a week..... the smallest thing might make a difference.

I don't even know if i make sense or not. I'm just typing anything and everything that comes into my head right now and I wish I could be more coherent and expressive.

This has been a rather lengthy post...........

I don't think I want to be those people to tell their friends that they're leaving a week before because i've been there and that feeling sucks. Feeling all forms of regret, not being able to handle goodbyes, not strong enough. I've actually considered it, leaving and not telling my friends. Like how some of them left. But I guess I'd rather put it out there and tell them i'm leaving, at least it would give them sufficient time for us to say our goodbyes and stuff.

The past few weeks when I was searching on accommodations, reading up on course structure and melbourne life... it didn't quite sink in that I was going. Until I got the call on Valentine's, "Hi there! Congratulations you got the acceptance offer the day after I sent in your application form! Must be due to your good O levels results they accepted you right away." I think I was supposed to feel excited, stoked, happy and all sorts of positive vibes.... but i didn't.

The only thing that went through my head was: Shit just got real.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!!
Gonna spend it with the best friends I could ever ask for. :)

I keep complaining that the holidays have been too long and too draggy. I've been going stupid and missing all my friends. But when I think about the future, this is going to be the first and last longest holidays i'll ever have in my entire life until I retire. It really is sad. But I guess it's all about living in the moment, huh.

Life's been pretty mellow and nothing much has been going on. Have been thinking a lot these days, about..... stuff. Flipped through my diary and realised the last time i actually wrote a good amount of words in there was during Os. I either very stressed or I procrastinated a lot, and did everything else but study. I think it was both.
Read a few entries and realized whatever I worried about back in Jan 2011, is coming back. But this time, it's going to happen and it's going to happen fast. People tell you to "Treasure those around you" all the furicking time that you tend to take things for granted. Human nature, they always say. It's always when something hits you, something that causes you to sit up and really start to take a good look of yourself and how you treat and love people around you.

For example, back during TK days, it was so easy to see my friends. Whenever I had problems, they're there for me. I clearly remember that day after the night I found out about C, it was a rough first few lessons and then I couldn't take it during chinese class and walked out to the staircase and cried. Aralin was there and we talked and talked until I felt slightly better. Hugs along the corridor, hugs we give to one another when we see one of us sad, encouragement letters, love letters, nonsensical letters. All forms of love, we show. All forms of concern and care, it was so easy to show and tell each other because we see each other every day.

Well I guess I didn't treasure it hard enough because now when everyone's all in different schools, it's so hard to...... catch up. It's not easy to know how people are and doing as much as before because we don't see each other that often, and right now what i'm feeling is useless. Useless because I can't be there right next to her, asking if she's alright or not or telling her to cheer up in person. I don't know.

I kind of hate distance. And goodbyes. And leaving. I know, I know, change is constant. But the only constant I see in change is that it hurts every single fucking time.

Its been a long, tiring, stressful and emotionally draining week and I am so glad it's friday!!!
Thursday was pure lepak and pigging out session with the best friends I could ever ask for. Went to tan at sentosa. And all we did was just lie around, flipping over, eating chips, grapes and drinking apple juice. Yknow, the usual. We just did that for the whole day and it was so relaxing. Showered and headed over to newton for a huge feast. It was funny because we all came prepared in loose tops and bottoms to hide our food babies after. Oh the pains we go through. hahaha.
Also, we have established that when we all head to poly, girls would most probably think we're weird and guys would be freaked out by the amount of food we can actually eat. 6 people had 13 cups of beverages tonight for dinner. Everyone drank twice or thrice it was quite hilarious.

Oh boy, I love my friends so much. Going through the first 3 days of the week with a new stressful shitty-ass job is hard as hell but it paid off on thurs because i got to spend the best time with the best company ever. :)

I don't deserve this and I don't deserve you feeling like that.
It's time to move on and maybe leaving might seem like the right choice.

Went out with mah homegurls tonight for dinner and it felt like F O R E V E R since i saw them, but thinking back, it's only been about 6 days? Obviously I'm still not used to the fact that I don't see them every day and some of them started school already bla bla we're all moving along with life. I really hope we don't ever..........drift. It scares me sometimes. As cliche as it seems, I wish we could all last forever. These girls are priceless. Friends for keeps. I don't know how to describe all of them but i'm afraid when we go along, attending JC, poly, whatever, we'll soon not have time for each other to catch up and just call each other dickheads. And then soon we'll just be acquaintances. Merely facebook friends or twitter followers. It's so scary, you know?

These few days I see no joy or excitement in growing up. It's so hard to let go of some things.

Nostalgia

Looking through all the photos that we took in hong kong and stumbled upon this precious one. We all looked so happy. I vividly remember this little girl's dad telling her "Princess! Princess, pose like a princess sweetie", and that ^ was her very poised princess pose.

I don't know, it just reminded me how I once was like her, how I always begged my mum to buy me those princess outfits (Cinderella's dress was always my favourite), and I'd prance around actually believing I might be a princess. But I was happy. Those type of happy where your heart is bursting with joy and such. When my dad made stupid home videos of me asking me to pose like a princess, i really did believe i was a princess and did the best curtsey i could and tried to be as graceful as i could be.

They're right. When you start to grow up, you know more things. And sometimes knowing more things does not equate to you being happy. When you grow up, you're able to differentiate what can be achieved and what can't. Sooner or later, we lose that spark. I don't exactly know how to explain what that "spark" is, but for me, it's something along the line of believing that sometimes the unthinkable can be achieved.

but then again, what do I know.

So my new job starts on monday and I really hope I can get that pay i've always been hoping for. Especially now since I really need to start saving on some cash and help my parents out and stuff.

Can't wait to start orientation in poly and start working my rusty brain again.
On another note, hope all the people who started JC orientation had fun today! A levels next year wuuuhuuuu.
damn it shouldn't have said that.

Considering going back to a religious 1-2x a week swimming routine. Self-training, of course.