It's really beginning to kick in and it's getting tougher every day. This never ends, does it.
Until I find myself a way to get rid of all of this...whatever you call it.
I'm tired but I can't sleep.
Never wished for something like this neither did I expect it to come.
Did I perceive this wrongly or maybe it was all made up in my stupid head?
Speaking of stupid I desperately need to get everything in my head sorted out because it's like a fucking twister in there and it's a mess. Need to stop feeling so pathetic all the time and disgusted with everything that I am.
Every. Fucking. Night. It's like a fucking warzone in my head and I swear it's taking it's toll on me.
Is it possible to just get through one night in peace?
Control control control. just how much control do I have over myself since i can't even control my mind and stop it from visiting unhappy thoughts and memories it screws me over all the time.

Got back most of my CT results during the past few days and all I've got to say, it's pretty amazing how I managed to get a fucking 12 for O levels either because I got so so so very lucky, the marker was sleepy or blind, or someone decided to change all my answers to the right ones. Ha. 12 points only because of tuition. Self-study? Your own effort? Pssh that shit doesn't work on me. My CT results says it all: Hopeless and useless. Stupid.

hahaha to think that I actually tried to convince everyone that I wanted to do well. In fact, all I was trying to do was to prove something to myself. And in the end, I failed. Just like everything I sought out to do in my life. Hopefully trinity won't fail on me. Wrong. Hopefully I won't fail on trinity.

This recent horrible feeling of wanting to be close to someone needs to stop. Pronto because it's making my imagination run wild with useless dreams. This wish of wanting to have someone is just fucking shallow it's disgusting.


THEREFORE I CONCLUDE I AM A DISGUSTING NEEDY GROSS HOPELESS HORMONAL BITCH I SHOULDN'T EXIST

2:28am : Hello Cold World.

Recap of Monday's events:

Saw (almost) all of my favourite people in NP today. Made fun of Ryan and his new hair cut, caught up with my classmates for a bit and found out I got the lowest in class for POA BUT managed to pass (51, thank you).

Dinner with the FOC group, rowdy and funny as always. And since it was a mass FOC dinner, a gazillion familiar faces were there and I swear- cheers. God damn cheers. Especially if they were cheers from a camp close to about 3 months ago that you had so much fun at, and it's been re-cheered (is that even a word)....... that feeling of, I don't know, maybe unity? Unity. Is. So. Amazing. It makes you feel as though you're part of something special. I love cheers. Even if they hit you with a wave of nostalgia. Screaming your lungs out during every cheer off with the other camp groups, cheering other groups cheers and having fun with it etc. FOC, best camp ever with the best people I've come to know and love.

Ice cream at island creamery with Nicole after the dinner and the apple pie ice cream there is just..... I died and went to heaven and came back.

So I guess that was a Monday well spent. Tomorrow's quite dull because I won't be seeing my friends at all and I'll be off running stupid errands. urgh logistics, logistics.

Miss this guy though:

v i b e

Some photos from last week's family adventure to the Singapore Flyer. Kind of miss hanging out with my family already since my dad's in Jakarta till tuesday and momsie's sick and josh is starting school tomorrow.
It's an amazing view up there when you're right at the top of the Singapore Flyer, you get to point out to Singapore's famous skyline, spot the Merlion and the Esplanade. But it also occurs to me how small and insignificant we all are, that all these things can tower over us so easily... urgh existing is tough sometimes.

On a lighter note, school starts tomorrow for everyone..... except me because I'm officially a school dropout. But I'm still heading back to NP tomorrow for a mass FOC dinner and seeing all my poly friends, it's been too long. 2 weeks feels like forever since I've seen all of their wonderful faces. Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow and it'll be a fun monday spent.

Positive vibes is what I'm aiming for this week.

Give your heart a break

It's so good I get the chills from just listening to her hit the notes. Especially during the bridge.
Forever my inspiration.

Peace out homies

I absolutely hate feeling this weak. Got my booklist today and the whole orientation package and then it hit me again like a fucking tidal wave. And this feeling that I've kind of forgotten came back. That whole heart racing, nervous wreck type of thing, you know? Don't really know how to put a finger on it but it basically feels like a panic attack slowly creeping up. It sucks. So many books, so much content to cram into my rusty brain in just 11 months or so. 11 months determining if I make it into Melbourne University or not. What if I can't do literature anymore? What if I can't understand poems like I could back then? What if I forgot all my maths stuff again? Accounting too? What if I mess up my econs? English diagnostic on the first day of school, what if i mess that up like how I messed up my O level english paper?

I'm doomed I'm screwed I'm nervous so fucking anxious.
So let me just sit here and look all pathetic and shitfaced while I curl up and rock myself telling myself to breathe, fucking breathe and that it's going to be okay because I'm not going to let anyone down, I'm not going to let myself down my dad just walked into the room and he told me that I'm going to turn out fine and that it's going to be a breeze he told me that I'm going to be okay 4 times he said "its okay" 4 times and I have to believe him I have to believe in myself because this is all i've got. One chance.

So tonight I had one of those......... mental shit stuff like that. I don't know what exactly to call it but I guess I'll just leave it as that.

I must sound really pathetic ranting and blogging about how I feel towards certain things over here. Like, everyone has a certain person to text, a certain person to call when they just need someone to talk to and to reason out with, but here I am, typing away in this empty text box letting whoever bothers to come to this space read it and occasionally pity me or laugh at my stupidity and how shallow and stupid I am. I get it.

I know I've said this a gazillion times, but it really scares me how we're all growing up so quickly. Never really believed my mum when she said secondary school days were the highlight of your life, and you will always miss it. When I was in TK, all I could ever think about was getting out of that hell hole, trying not fail amath like it was the hardest thing on the planet to do. And we all thought surviving secondary school was tough.

Now I see so many of my friends, rushing for their deadlines be it for projects or revision for their upcoming tests. More and more subjects and content to take in, which means harder stuff to understand besides knowing that there's protons, electrons and neutrons in a damn atom yada yada. So many people broken, facing harder problems in their lives that they have to overcome by themselves. It sucks that I can't help sometimes. I'm sure everyone knows how it feels like when you want to help someone but you can't because it's not up to you and you can't do anything to save them. It's their own battle and they have to conquer it themselves, all you can do is sit and watch them struggle. It's painfully excruciating and it sucks. There's no other way to describe it, but it sucks. It seems as though everyone I love are fighting their own battles now. Be it family, studies or friends...... Is this what is really feels like growing up? You're the only one that can save yourself.

We were all much happier back then. Carefree, even. Even though we had to deal with the constant pushing and reminders from teachers that it was our O level year, I swear if we had a choice, we would totally relieve that. I don't really know how to explain it, but it was much easier being a secondary 4 student than being whatever we are now. It's true, you know. When we're young, we can't wait to get older and be an adult. And when we get older, we just want to go back and be young again. Now that everyone is one step closer to being whoever we want to be when we grow up, one step closer to graduating from JC or poly, another step closer to entering university, the future becomes more real... and to me I think that's scary. Because in less than 10 years, we'll be working adults. And in the process of growing up, we might soon begin to lose that spark. I don't know how to describe that spark or whatever. But we don't stay the way we are now. Soon we'll become more practical, more realistic, materialistic even. It's hard to think that soon we'll all be drowning in our greed and our unlimited wants, the next car, the next house, the next promotion, the next job bla bla. My god I get scared all the fucking time when I think of this. Less than 10 years I'm going to be one of those lifeless mundane people who go to work, come home, date, get married, have kids, fuss over kids, work work work money money money, retire, die. Dead. I'm fucking dead.

 I don't know if I made any sense up there but I guess I'm just having one of those episodes where I just freak out about growing up again. So stupid, I know.

These past few days have been....... very VERY family orientated. When I say very, that includes my parents taking leave till tomorrow and we've been spending every waking hour together starting from Saturday. We've taken the Singapore Flyer being all touristy in our own country, lunch buffet, dim sum, expensive dinners, night adventures at the Marina Bay Golf Course and Gardens By The Bay. It's somewhat nice, something that I've missed and will miss when I go over to Australia. I'm glad that they thought that we all needed some family time, to just chill. I'm tired though, but my mind tells me to treasure all of this before it's too late.

But at the same time, I can't help but feel as though I'm losing touch with my friends. Ugh, as gay as it seems, even though I've seen them about a week ago, I miss them. Every single one. And it doesn't help that some of them are off for camps the next few days and I won't be able to see them the coming week and maybe only seeing them next week or something. It sucks.

Other than that, I've been watching quite a bit of movies in the night. Like Cinderella and It's A Boy Girl Thing. If you haven't watched it's a boy girl thing, you should. It's by far one of my favourite cliche movies. Ok well it's not exactly cliche, but it's predictable. But I still love it. And if you don't like cinderella........ your argument is invalid.

18 more days. How much more real can this possibly be??

These few days I think i've gotten myself into this zone where I am completely obsessed over watching all these health videos, and work out videos..... Even checking out all these classes in gyms and stuff in singapore and planning to join them after graduating and coming back after university and shit. Yes, I swear I'm going crazy.

Other than that...... blah. My life's pretty boring. Zero plans for the coming week, since most of my friends are either at home mugging for their coming tests or they have camps to attend. I've got some errands to run myself but I always can't seem to go and do it urgh procrastination is one helluva bitch. Remember when I said I had 2 rolls of film camping in my bag waiting to be developed? Well, make that 4.

I'm a goner. Constantly living in a state of denial these few days. Drifting in and out of my thoughts and always losing track of time. It's friday.
No breakdowns, no crying, no hyperventilating. Just numb.
It's most probably because I just don't know what to feel now. Absolutely disgusting.

As painfully disgusting and desperate this might come across, these few days my mind and my heart seems to be aching for me to fall in love or feel something nice enough to make my heart stop beating or something cliche and totally dream-worthy to happen. I blame this on my raging hormones and my obsession for these horrible romance books I can't stop reading. Also, I'm pretty proud of myself because I managed to not fall for anyone for about... close to a year. hahahahahah it sounds so stupid, because i know there's so many other things to be proud about, so many other things to think about and here I am, missing the feeling of being completely in love with someone and knowing that someone loves you back too. It's sick, isn't it. So fucking shallow and desperate.
And then I get pissed at myself because I know there is so much more to life than this stupid longing to feel important to someone, let alone loved by someone. But I keep going there, sinking deeper and deeper in this pity party that I tend to throw for myself quite a bit these few days.

But I'll get over it. I've lived with this long enough. I've heard more heartbreak stories than successful stories of relationships at this age. There's no use in believing in dumb fairytales and books that have nothing but happy endings. And we all know that that doesn't always happen in real life.

It's just one of those days I wish for someone that I can run to for a hug, someone I can easily go to when I'm having a rough night, someone I can call mine without any hesitation, someone who loves me for who I am even though I'm worthless, completely pathetic.

Okay so that's the end of my desperate-i-just-need-somebody-to-love rant.
It's been a pretty cool week and I'm actually looking forward to Australia.

Oh Ed Sheeran, take me away in your amazing lyrics and music.

The past few days were fruitful, had an impromptu sleepover session with the girls last night. It was pretty laid back, just chilling and consistently laughing at one another. After being best friends for 4 years and counting it still amazes me how we can still find shit about each other to laugh at.

Spent today with the one of the nicest bunch of people I've ever met, TF01. Well not the whole class, but more than half of them turned up and we all chomped down the whole sushi supply at sakae. It was a huge eye opener just watching 10 guys attack the buffet. Played some pool, took a whole bunch of photos, and then we headed to bugis for some amazing mango sago dessert. And it was a pleasant surprise to realise that they were bookworms too. :') So marcus brandon hui min and i geeked out raving about books in kino for 45 minutes while gideon and jin jia walked around the bookstore aimlessly laughing at names with dumb titles.

Great people, great company. It kind of saddens me I didn't really spend as much time as I could with my class because I was always rushing out of class to meet my other friends. But I'm glad I hung out with everyone today and it was such a good day with so much laughter. :)

It's going to be an amazing week, catching up with all my friends. By all, I mean all. BBQ with the FOC group mates tomorrow at ECP, and then a pool party at Zhen's place where I'm going to see all my TK girls. Beyond stoked.

Infatuation

"We are constantly running, looking for the perfect combination of being alone and being together to make things always feel good. We might need to be in love to see things the way they’re meant to be seen, but not necessarily with a person — just as our city can’t save us, neither can being with someone simply to fill the silence.

Sure, to fall in love with a person would be nice, but when you are actively searching for romantic love you’re almost destined not to find it. You can’t waste your time, your youth, your beautiful surroundings waiting for someone to validate it. I would be happy with just being in love with a good book, an opera, a philosophy I overheard in another conversation and turn around in my head until it settles like a fine dust over everything I believe.

It’s hard not to feel sometimes like you’re running around in circles, trying to distract yourself with a new partner or a trip to somewhere fresh and exciting, like you can’t ever stand still. I want the infatuation of learning something new, of discovering something about myself, the thrill of the small joys that don’t cost anything and don’t require anyone else’s presence. I want to be infatuated with myself, to feel like I am enough, and I so rarely do.

I want that falling feeling, that obsessive interest with all that’s around me, with all that I’m capable of. And most importantly, I want that infatuation to come from not where I’m standing, not from who I’m standing with, but from just how beautiful my life is on its own, from how wonderful it is to be alive, how much I am worth just by myself.

I want it all."

It's pretty weird blogging since I haven't been using my laptop for about.....5 days.
I haven't been reading the news, keeping up with all my favourite blogs and stuff.

During the 5 days I've been off the (internet) radar, my favourite online shop (no it's not those blogshop/livejournal singapore style type of online shop) decided to launch their new collection for the summer over in the USA and everyone decided to buy everything and make close to half of the collection sold out already.
Not that I actually bought anything on there because their clothes are just way too cool for asians to rock. Especially me.

Recently I haven't been doing much apart from falling sick right before exam week (which I am still currently trying to survive, by the way.) And i'm still sick, totally reminding me of how much I hate not being able to breathe right and coughing out all these gooey phlegm and also unable to wake up to the smell of the morning air because of my stupid blocked nasal passage.

I've also been trying to spend as much time as I can with my friends and family. Going out for dinners, hanging out studying or anything of that sort. Headed out for an impromtu sentosa tanning session yesterday with Jamie Nicole and Glenda. Haven't really had much quality time with them so it was such an amazing day spent just lying under the sun falling in and out of sleep, waking up to the best view of the small waves making their way to the shore next to your best friends.

Tomorrow's the last paper and that officially marks the end of my Ngee Ann Polytechnic education. Can't believe close to 2 months have passed since I first entered the school. It has been an amazing experience and I don't know where to start if you were to ask me to rave about the environment there, the people there and the huge amount of fun and laughter I've had over there. Definitely not a waste of time and it's something I would never forget.

Also, my closet is almost rid of all my favourite outfits because I've been forced to pack 80% of my clothes for australia so I guess I'll be rewearing a lot of clothes for the next two weeks. And I'm going to wear shorts. A lot of shorts before I go to australia because it's winter over there and my shorts would just stay in the closet until autumn/summer comes around over there. And today I was digging through my whole container of sec 4 books and notes to find my ten year series and boy did nostalgia get to me. This time last year I was still struggling to plot amath graphs, solve stupid useless trigo equations, find the speed and acceleration of dumb particles... Yes. And I'm going back to that in about 2 months' time. Hopefully all would go smoothly.

Okay this marks the end of my long boring update thank you to whoever bothers to read this space.