I'm a goner. Constantly living in a state of denial these few days. Drifting in and out of my thoughts and always losing track of time. It's friday.
No breakdowns, no crying, no hyperventilating. Just numb.
It's most probably because I just don't know what to feel now. Absolutely disgusting.
As painfully disgusting and desperate this might come across, these few days my mind and my heart seems to be aching for me to fall in love or feel something nice enough to make my heart stop beating or something cliche and totally dream-worthy to happen. I blame this on my raging hormones and my obsession for these horrible romance books I can't stop reading. Also, I'm pretty proud of myself because I managed to not fall for anyone for about... close to a year. hahahahahah it sounds so stupid, because i know there's so many other things to be proud about, so many other things to think about and here I am, missing the feeling of being completely in love with someone and knowing that someone loves you back too. It's sick, isn't it. So fucking shallow and desperate.
And then I get pissed at myself because I know there is so much more to life than this stupid longing to feel important to someone, let alone loved by someone. But I keep going there, sinking deeper and deeper in this pity party that I tend to throw for myself quite a bit these few days.
But I'll get over it. I've lived with this long enough. I've heard more heartbreak stories than successful stories of relationships at this age. There's no use in believing in dumb fairytales and books that have nothing but happy endings. And we all know that that doesn't always happen in real life.
It's just one of those days I wish for someone that I can run to for a hug, someone I can easily go to when I'm having a rough night, someone I can call mine without any hesitation, someone who loves me for who I am even though I'm worthless, completely pathetic.
Okay so that's the end of my desperate-i-just-need-somebody-to-love rant.
It's been a pretty cool week and I'm actually looking forward to Australia.
