So tonight I had one of those......... mental shit stuff like that. I don't know what exactly to call it but I guess I'll just leave it as that.
I must sound really pathetic ranting and blogging about how I feel towards certain things over here. Like, everyone has a certain person to text, a certain person to call when they just need someone to talk to and to reason out with, but here I am, typing away in this empty text box letting whoever bothers to come to this space read it and occasionally pity me or laugh at my stupidity and how shallow and stupid I am. I get it.
I know I've said this a gazillion times, but it really scares me how we're all growing up so quickly. Never really believed my mum when she said secondary school days were the highlight of your life, and you will always miss it. When I was in TK, all I could ever think about was getting out of that hell hole, trying not fail amath like it was the hardest thing on the planet to do. And we all thought surviving secondary school was tough.
Now I see so many of my friends, rushing for their deadlines be it for projects or revision for their upcoming tests. More and more subjects and content to take in, which means harder stuff to understand besides knowing that there's protons, electrons and neutrons in a damn atom yada yada. So many people broken, facing harder problems in their lives that they have to overcome by themselves. It sucks that I can't help sometimes. I'm sure everyone knows how it feels like when you want to help someone but you can't because it's not up to you and you can't do anything to save them. It's their own battle and they have to conquer it themselves, all you can do is sit and watch them struggle. It's painfully excruciating and it sucks. There's no other way to describe it, but it sucks. It seems as though everyone I love are fighting their own battles now. Be it family, studies or friends...... Is this what is really feels like growing up? You're the only one that can save yourself.
We were all much happier back then. Carefree, even. Even though we had to deal with the constant pushing and reminders from teachers that it was our O level year, I swear if we had a choice, we would totally relieve that. I don't really know how to explain it, but it was much easier being a secondary 4 student than being whatever we are now. It's true, you know. When we're young, we can't wait to get older and be an adult. And when we get older, we just want to go back and be young again. Now that everyone is one step closer to being whoever we want to be when we grow up, one step closer to graduating from JC or poly, another step closer to entering university, the future becomes more real... and to me I think that's scary. Because in less than 10 years, we'll be working adults. And in the process of growing up, we might soon begin to lose that spark. I don't know how to describe that spark or whatever. But we don't stay the way we are now. Soon we'll become more practical, more realistic, materialistic even. It's hard to think that soon we'll all be drowning in our greed and our unlimited wants, the next car, the next house, the next promotion, the next job bla bla. My god I get scared all the fucking time when I think of this. Less than 10 years I'm going to be one of those lifeless mundane people who go to work, come home, date, get married, have kids, fuss over kids, work work work money money money, retire, die. Dead. I'm fucking dead.
I don't know if I made any sense up there but I guess I'm just having one of those episodes where I just freak out about growing up again. So stupid, I know.
