So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?
(All the time, all the time)
When we're apart what are you thinking of?

So what did you figure out, because I really wanna know.
Haha sometimes I wish I was happy. Actually, many times I wish I was happy, the type of happy that you feel unbreakable, that warm feeling in your chest and your heart feels as though it's about to explode. But it's always dangerously scary when you're that happy. Because you can never stay that happy for long. I know that because things don't work that way.

I know I complain and whine and talk a lot of shit about being here in Melbourne, missing my family and friends is tough. But I also know that I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to have this opportunity to study here and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Just skyped my cousin for an hour. And because she's completely new over there in Sydney, everything that she's experiencing, I'm going through it as well so it's really comforting to know that we're not completely alone in it. Shit talking, telling stories of our newly made friends, complaining about some of the church services we had over here, talking and sharing about when and why was the last time we cried, exchanging words of comfort and encouragement, talking about heart ache and missing everyone in Singapore.......

Realizing and reassuring myself that family is always there when we need it. We're here to support one another through this whole adapting period and it's tough but we'll get through it together.

I miss smelling my maid's cooking from the kitchen at 5:30pm every day, hearing my brother sing off key when he's showering, talking to my mum about my day and rambling about stupid things to her or arguing about the smallest things and acting like a spoilt bitch, chilling with my dad and my brother on saturday afternoons in my parents' room, talking about school, life and everything under the sun. My dad and his cynical comments. My dad and his live news updates in the car when we're driving, always including me in the conversations whenever he discusses something adult-like with my mum. Friday night dinners out with my family, saturday night dinners at my grandma's house.

Family time is always what I crave for when I get so tired and sick of everything. Always.

God I feel this whole wave of homesickness hitting me hard tonight. I should just submerge in it and embrace this feeling with open arms because I can. Because I can.

So today, I managed to cook rice without a rice cooker. Only relying on google and a pot filled with water, I did it. I also diced the garlic without slicing my finger, marinated the chicken with sesame sauce, salt and pepper, fried the chicken, fried the rice with egg. And it turned out perfectly. Tasted like home. All that was missing was ribena and my brother's company.

It's not much but it's these small accomplishments that make your day, yknow? Knowing that you cooked your whole meal right from scratch, by scratch I mean really scratch. C'on, I cooked RICE without a rice cooker. Felt like I was in the stone age or something. It feels pretty great, I have to say.

Woke up this morning all grouchy and feeling all sorts of shitty, and my evening turned out great. Hopefully it'll stay this way.

On another note, I'm starting to hate formspring and their stupid questions. Always out to make me feel like I'm not good enough. All you fuckers. I cooked fried rice and it came out amazing, I AM good enough.



At least for tonight.

Also,

Dear Bryan,

you know you're my best friend. Everyone knows that we're best friends. I miss you. And times like this, I would usually be dialing your number and wailing to you on the phone, sobbing my eyes out telling you my whole sob story and you'd be telling me things to make my mind see things clearer. Skype's a bitch you come off and on, we still whatsapp as though we're in Singapore with one word replies and a ton of "HAHAHAHA"s, as though we'd be seeing each other on Sundays so we could just talk then. I need my best friend and it's horrible to know that it's not just a phone call away now.

When you read this, I'll most prolly be fine again and won't remember exactly why I'm feeling like shit because I need to forget this and I need to learn how to be strong alone. Relying on someone too often is dangerous, yes?

I miss you so fucking much.

Love,
Rachel

I've figured there are better things to do than feeling like this. Wondering if what I feel is real, if any of this means anything at all. Boo. Better things that I am currently doing: Blasting happy jumpy songs aka Want U Back by Cher Lloyd, Honestly by Hot Chelle Rae (you get my drift), waiting for my clothes to be done from the dryer and hoping that they wont get those weird furry balls stuck to my darker clothings rather than thinking unwanted thoughts that would most probably keep me awake for the rest of the night, going to start watching mean girls instead of watching the notebook / a walk to remember / any sad sappy love movie because I don't need to feel any of that shit right now.

I don't need it.
My clothes need to smell good later if not I might need to shoot some people.

Or maybe I just need a hug.




Whatever.
Check out butterbrownsugar's new video. Sorry for crappy editing skills and my shitty face throughout the whole video. Basically for all those people who asked me to film a vlog when I reach Melbourne, there. I tried. It's not good but I tried.



fuck IM FEELING ALL SORTS OF CRAPPY RIGHT NOW GOHFJSKDFJNDHEGOWEKLRGETHJO ARGH FUCK WHATSAPP I DONT NEED THIS SHIT I JUST NEED MY BED MY FOOD AND MY GOD DAMN EDUCATION OKAY? I DON'T NEED FEELINGS I DON'T NEED IT I DON'T NEED SOMEONE LOL WHO NEEDS SOMEONE I HAVE MY FATHER MOTHER BROTHER FRIENDS THATS ALL I NEED THATS ALL I NEED

FOR3V3R Y0UNG

So here's a few pictures to let you guys know what I've been up to these few weeks of school and orientation.

Another week is coming to an end and tutorials start next week. Getting into the zone now... In the mean time, it's a cold 11 degrees over here and I'm waiting for a video I just edited to be uploaded on youtube. Procrastination got the best of me so it took me this long to compile the videos I took during the first week but it's done! And I can't wait for you guys to see it. It's not much, but I tried.

Have been staying in touch with my friends, times like these I thank God for whatsapp and it's amazingness. They've been all so encouraging and sweet, and it's also nice being able to keep up with what their doing and what's been going on in their lives.

Other than that, life's pretty boring but I'm getting kind of used to the things here in Melbourne. I've familiarized myself with the city and the metro system. Figured out washing machines, detergent, dryers, softeners aren't that hard to manage. Finally realised that every meal at home should be treasured because the food here is practically bare minimum and I miss being able to drink home cooked soup every day and ribena. Making my bed is completely out of the books since every morning I wake up to the sound of either one of my house mates banging on my door telling me that we were going to be late if I don't hurry up. (HUR HUR sorry guys, old habits die hard.) I've also learnt how to be responsible of my own things, keeping everything in check. I'm still as messy as ever but I try my best to pack my room up every 2 days so I guess it's not as bad. I've also learnt how to treasure those shelves/stands in the toilet that allow you to place your bottles of soap on there because over here, we don't have that and it's horrible let me tell you that.

I'm glad I've learnt these things in the span of 3 weeks, and i'm sure there are many more lessons to come.

Can't help but feel a little nervous about school starting and everything. I keep diverting my thoughts away because I don't really want myself suffering a panic attack over here it's way too emotionally distressing. Maths, accounting and history of ideas are my biggest fears so far. Argh this phobia for math has to be kicked in the butt and out of my life. I can do this, I can do this.

Have a great weekend you guys.

I wish I knew better. This is so wrong yet so right, feels so good but there's always complications. Complications, unwanted thoughts, your mind can lead you to the scariest, stupidest thoughts sometimes.
You've got to completely lose everything then we can let ourselves feel anything.

I just hope and wish we're on the same page for this one.

Lectures officially starts tomorrow so I guess you could say it's time to get serious.
I've got all my accounting tutorial questions printed and stapled, all the econs, maths 1 and accounting material all saved and sorted in my ipad. Completed my first maths 1 tutorial assignment ahead and got my school bag all packed and ready.

I've got to say, I'm pretty nervous about school. And it's been a while since I've felt this way. Maybe it's because I knew I was leaving that's why before poly started I wasn't as serious as this. This whole nervous, anxious feeling just reminds me of the first day of being sec 4. Constantly reminding myself that its O levels this year, no more playing, no more slacking. If I don't make it, I'm dead.

86 86 86 86, that's all that's ringing in my head. If I don't make it in UniMel, I'm dead. This feels awfully familiar. Something I've missed for a while, but yet something I dread. The feeling of something to have to work hard for, something that's based solely on your own determination and strength, but then again something that requires sacrifices, tears and hard work.

At some point of time, I remember the stress of O levels getting into me. And it got me pretty bad. I know, I know. After surviving O levels, we all think back and go: What is o levels? pssh. But I was pretty wound up back then. I don't want to make the same mistakes as I did mentally during the whole duration of sec 4. I was weak, so weak and useless. This time around, I hope to be stronger, not to let stress get the best of me.

People tell me not to live up to my dad's expectations and aim for mine, and I know now that this time, aiming to get that 86 average is my goal. Not his. It's not something to prove to my dad, or my family that hey look I didn't waste all that money, all that time to achieve nothing- I did it. I mean, yeah that's something I want my family to be proud of but I guess this whole thing is a learning experience for me and hopefully if I get my 86, I'll be able to feel good about myself for once. That I'm able to move myself into a completely different country, adapt to everything over here, work my ass off for the first time without any tuition and get myself into the course I want to be in. Sounds pretty great and all but I keep getting these thoughts. God damn it, these thoughts.

It feels good to have something to keep me occupied, something to keep me busy. Wish I could be satisfactory.

In this short life I have lived so far, I have made plenty of mistakes, indulged myself in my own hopelessness and sunk into that disgusting black hole I can't seem to get out of countless times. Gone wrong in some many ways, said all the wrong words, got myself broken up so many times I don't even know.

But my friends constantly remind me that I've got something good here. Something stable and strong to rely on. Every time I think that I've gone too far down, there's always them to pull be back up and they constantly remind me that I must have done something right to deserve all of what they've done for me and said to me.

Don't know what I did but I must have done something right. And that feels pretty awesome.

Got to give them what they're waiting for

Days like these I think back on all the stupid things we used to do together and I just miss you, I miss us and what we used to be. But life goes on and we make new friends, we drift apart from some but I hope you remember whatever I said in my letter to you because no matter how far we drift, from best friends to acquaintances, no matter how much shit we used to do and say to fuck each other up-  I'll still love you.



And then there are these guys I've grown to love so much:



Hahaha found these old sec 3 photos from a folder containing the first few films of Holly the holga. Remember when I went crazy with my camera and my photo taking skills really sucked? Those were the days man, those were the days.

Hanging out with the friends I've made here in Melbourne is indeed very enjoyable, but I've yet to reach a point where I can feel totally comfortable and say whatever I want to say. Instead, I just observe and listen and sometimes laugh at something politely when someone says something relatively funny. And most of the time my mind just wonders off to the thoughts of "hahaha omg what if my friends here" "where the fuck is jamie so that we can high five and laugh at these materialistic shallow comments?" "where is nicole so we can be as loud as we want and swear our heads off and not giving a shit about what the people around us thought about?" "where is jodie to take photos of this beautiful picturesque building?" "where are my poly guys so we can laugh our asses off and make dumb comments at this useless, mindless sex talk?" so on, so on.  I think about everyone and all the: If only they were here to experience this with me.

I miss all my friends so much I cannot even.

9:43 pm

It was 8 am and I never did feel this helpless in a long time. Woke up in the morning, and I felt like complete shit. Like everything was crashing down on me. I know I've gotten used to everyone telling me "Oh its fine, go on make new friends." or "Friends are easy to make, you'll be fine." 

But the whole initial thing about being left alone in such a foreign country just makes the whole situation harder. I think I sort of retreat back into my shell, I don't know how to act in front of my new friends, what to say, what to do. This whole thing just tires me out. 

I think it's because I've surrounded myself with the same group of friends for the past 4 years and counting i've so easily cheated my way out of placing myself in a COMPLETELY different environment and forced to make new friends and adapt. 

Let me tell you, it's really tough. This morning I woke up feeling lonely. Not sad, not angry but just downright lonely. It's this feeling when all I need to do to make myself feel better is take a bus down to Ngee Ann and see all my lovely friends and tell myself this is all I need. This is all i need. Not crawl under my blanket and curl up into a ball and cry into my pillow because the walls here are so bloody hollow sounds pass through easily. hahahahahah so pathetic. 

Funny huh. Rachel Tan cannot adapt, can't adapt, struggling to make new friends. I've been so comfortable with the friends i've surrounded myself back in singapore it's so hard to talk to other unfamiliar people. It's like culture shock all over again. And this time, the people here are so different than the friends i have back at home. It's just different. And I'm always at a lost at what to do. 

Home. Can't wait to get back and give all my best friends a hug and tell them how much they mean in my life.

September. In the mean time, I'll just smile and play along.

"You're new here?"

"You're othilia's friend?"

"What are you studying?"

"School?"

"why come in july?"

God would I kill to be in the comfort of my own room back in Singapore, listening to my brother rant about useless things to me and hearing my mum's nagging in the living room.

So...... I haven't gotten around to filming anything interesting yet I am so sorry for the lack of updates.
If y'all don't know, i think recently I've just been updating my instagram quite frequently (more than twitter) so I guess you could follow me on there :)
@coolgirl_95 (it's the same for instagram and twitter)

School orientation is really shitty and boring, really miss FOC and all the NP orientation camps. Today we had a course information briefing and an introduction to the UniMel model and I got so freaked.
It's scary that next year I'm going to take my undergrad studies and then I have to think about what I want to major in, one major two major? Accounting and finance? Economics and finance?

But it's actually quite comforting to see the course outline for the 3 years bachelor of commerce having some sort of familiar topics.... (So NP homies, whatever you're learning now, is helpful)
In the first year, saw INTRO to micro and macro econs. Which is -_- I've been doing introductory economics for a while now.... I've forgotten all the other shit. Then there's OB IN YEAR TWO HAHAHAHAH seeing all my friends hating it now in their y1 in NP and I'm so not looking forward to that. And then there's all that math and calculus and finance shit.

I guess you could say that I get quite excited for what's in store for me in the coming 3-4 years. But right now I'm just really worried about that dumb 86 average I'm supposed / NEEDED to get in order for me to get into UniMel. it's scary because I have to take English (which consists of lit and drama), Mathematics 1, History of Ideas (A FUCKING LEVEL), Econs, Accounting and get at least a 75% for EAP (some other english shit) and I NEED to count math and english and History of Ideas in the 86 average so obviously I need to do well for math. 

And anyone who knows me well enough would know that when I was in TK, attaining a 60 in amath was a bloody achievement for me and now I have to get a fricking 86??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
Scary scary scary. I've sacrificed way too much, given up way too much to let this all go to waste now. I need to, have to, must get into UniMel and get that bachelor of commerce.

It's annoying because everyone's got someone to prove but all I know is that succeeding in... this is me proving to myself that I'm actually worth something. That's all.

So hello there fellow readers. This is the first post I'm posting from Melbourne and it's been a few days since I've arrived so I guess I could say I've been settling in well. My relatives here are surprisingly nice and welcoming, bothered to help my mum and I with our settling in woes. Really very grateful for them and kind of shocked by their hospitality even though this is our first time meeting ever.

So it's a wednesday night and it's my first night in Palmerston house. It's been quite enjoyable, really. Made 2 new friends which are my next door neighbours (left and right) and we had our home cooked dinner, working in routines- one fries the veggies, one cooks the steak, the other cooks the prawns. And same goes with the washing system. We make a good team I must say. The photos are on instagram and shizz i'm just too lazy to put it up here.

So sorry guys all you'll be seeing here is just words words and words.

Spent the afternoon exploring the city and chinatown with Sherwynn, and we found a place that sells bubble tea!! But it is mad expensive over here, 3.80 AUD >:( Really miss my 2.80 gong cha. And also, we found a place that sells hong kong hand made paos in chinatown! Really happy because my cravings for paos would be able to be satisfied.

Found one of the nearby thrift stores I've researched on a few months ago a few streets away from where I live so I'm quite excited to check that out. $1 clothings here I come baby.

Other than that, school starts tomorrow and apparently our orientation lasts for 2 weeks and it's nothing like the orientations we have over in Singapore so I have no idea what are we going to do....

One last thing, THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU FOR YOUR WELL WISHES, BE IT IN LETTERS, MESSAGES, FB MESSAGES, TWITTER MENTIONS, DMS ETC. It really means a lot to me.
and also thank you to the huge bunch of people that took time off to send me off (haha the usage of "off"s) at the airport on saturday night. I looked like complete shit and i was a mess but thank you all for coming I love each one of you. JJSNP, The poly clique, Eurus, Church cell, TF01, My best friends, family members etcetc. And it was the shittest most painful experience ever and I swear I hope to never ever go through that again. Sobbed throughout the plane ride, and read every single letter in the plane, crying while reading. Yes I cried like a bitch. But guys, all your letters are so fucking nice really. Every. Single. One. So thank you I love you all.

Hopefully the next update will be one with a video I've complied....
My camera died the day I went to the wet market, it was really quite an interesting sight but sadly I couldn't snap any pictures or take any videos :(

Off to shower soon and go house jumping with my house mates and make some new friends. Wish me luck!

All I can say that, it's been an amazing day. Started the day off basically in a war with my luggage because it didn't want to be zipped up so my maid and I took turns sitting on it and attempting to zip it up- it must have been quite a sight I must say.

After all that struggling, rushed to meet Emily and we took neoprints in celebration of our YOLO spirit. It turned out great and then we met ame. Initially the plan was to have a picnic under the stars with Jamie Jodie Nicole and Ame at the padang because few weeks before Nicole and I took a walk there and it was peaceful and the view was amazing.
But I guess my picnic dreams didn't come true... But instead I had a wonderful surprise when our poly friends decided to surprise me for dinner. So after a fun dinner at the marina square food court where we basically tried to be as awkward as possible (where we kind of failed and started making penis jokes, again.)  we headed out to the esplanade roof top to kind of tick "seeing the singapore skyline under the stars" off my list. Well it was more than what I wished for. I got to see the amazing Singapore skyline one last time before I leave WITH the best company I could ever ask for.

Below are some pictures to make up for my inability to comprehend the amount of love I have for these amazing friends I have.

4:42 am: Watching death philosophy videos

Last week here in Singapore. And then, it's off to Australia for 4 years only coming back during breaks. It's so scary there's no other way to describe it. Times like this I feel as though it's not sinking in enough I don't feel enough it's actually quite annoying. But I'm not exactly complaining because I would choose not to feel so much as of now. Maybe when it gets closer. Ha, who am I kidding isn't this close enough.

My body clock is so screwed. School is starting it's time to get serious.

So yesterday (I mean saturday evening) my wonderful friends threw me the most unforgettable farewell party ever where my house was just flooded with my closest secondary school friends, poly friends and basically everyone I have come to know and love my whole education life (i mean even primary school) was there. And I cannot thank my friends enough for doing this for me.

Really grateful for everything that I have right now, my friends and my family. Leaving is going to be really hard but it's up to me to make it worth every tear that I'm going to cry or have cried because like what they always say: You determine your own fate.

The whole evening was just basically me in fucking euphoria. Seeing everyone laughing, everyone I love gathered in the same place, there was nothing else that could beat that feeling of joy and love I felt that night.

So staying up and not sleeping for more than 24 hours has been completely worth it even though I swear never to get high on alcohol in Australia because it sucks big time, and my brain is so fried right now I can't think straight. Also, got my new laptop for Australia, and hopefully this one would last as long as my macbook. :)

It's been an amazing weekend. Last week here in Singapore, let's go.