Lectures officially starts tomorrow so I guess you could say it's time to get serious.
I've got all my accounting tutorial questions printed and stapled, all the econs, maths 1 and accounting material all saved and sorted in my ipad. Completed my first maths 1 tutorial assignment ahead and got my school bag all packed and ready.
I've got to say, I'm pretty nervous about school. And it's been a while since I've felt this way. Maybe it's because I knew I was leaving that's why before poly started I wasn't as serious as this. This whole nervous, anxious feeling just reminds me of the first day of being sec 4. Constantly reminding myself that its O levels this year, no more playing, no more slacking. If I don't make it, I'm dead.
86 86 86 86, that's all that's ringing in my head. If I don't make it in UniMel, I'm dead. This feels awfully familiar. Something I've missed for a while, but yet something I dread. The feeling of something to have to work hard for, something that's based solely on your own determination and strength, but then again something that requires sacrifices, tears and hard work.
At some point of time, I remember the stress of O levels getting into me. And it got me pretty bad. I know, I know. After surviving O levels, we all think back and go: What is o levels? pssh. But I was pretty wound up back then. I don't want to make the same mistakes as I did mentally during the whole duration of sec 4. I was weak, so weak and useless. This time around, I hope to be stronger, not to let stress get the best of me.
People tell me not to live up to my dad's expectations and aim for mine, and I know now that this time, aiming to get that 86 average is my goal. Not his. It's not something to prove to my dad, or my family that hey look I didn't waste all that money, all that time to achieve nothing- I did it. I mean, yeah that's something I want my family to be proud of but I guess this whole thing is a learning experience for me and hopefully if I get my 86, I'll be able to feel good about myself for once. That I'm able to move myself into a completely different country, adapt to everything over here, work my ass off for the first time without any tuition and get myself into the course I want to be in. Sounds pretty great and all but I keep getting these thoughts. God damn it, these thoughts.
It feels good to have something to keep me occupied, something to keep me busy. Wish I could be satisfactory.
