I'll always miss the feeling of being fully alive. 

where were we going again?

Some nights I wonder if you think of me the way I think of you. I don't mean to say I think of you often, but when I do - 

It's amazing how so many things can change within a year or two. I guess things like these at this age are meant to be short lived. There is no one to blame but yourself, Rachel.

I hate the fact that this left such a big impact on me but nothing on you. You really felt nothing? Did you really forget? Do you miss us? Because I do. From the start to before everything went downhill. We wrecked us even though we promised not to.

It's the same thing over and over again, it's getting boring. And useless. There's only a certain amount of shit people can take from you, and I'm reaching my level with almost everyone around me - including myself hahaha. It's like everyone seems to be pouring out their issues to me, and I guess it's the norm to go "ya omg I had this one time...." and share my problems with them as well, but what disappoints me is that I don't.

I wish I could, I really want to. But there's always something inside of me that just refuses to speak those words as though speaking it would engrave it even deeper in my mind.

Oh well. Whatever. Over this whole lot of shit. So over it.
Time check: 2:55 am. About time I sleep.

Snuggled up on the couch on a monday night, desperate to find something common between us to be able to break the silence and be slightly less annoyed with my cousin-
we decided to watch "Shall We Dance".

Movies are really not my thing unless I'm placed in circumstances such as the described. But I didn't expect that a certain quote from the movie left such a great impact on me, it kind of gave me a reason as to why people actually get married. The writer wrote it so beautifully and now I guess I will no longer exclaim "I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY COUPLES BE MARRYING EACH OTHER" and truly not comprehend why people want to be married. I found some sort of reason from this movie, and it makes sense.

"All these promises that we make and we break...why is it that you think people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything...the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mondane things...all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying... your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness." 

Easter break 2014

Thursday night @ Motel aka the old Maze. It was aMAZEing, some old friends some new friends. Took too many drinks too quickly, but all in all I had a great night. Felt so nostalgic to be back there given the fact that that was the first club I ever went to when I came to Melbourne for the first time during my Trinity days. :'-) Memories. Lesson learnt: I can actually hold pretty serious conversations with people even when I'm really drunk. So well that even they don't know that I was actually really retarded by then. Someone told me that it was a skill. Hahaha.

Friday night @ Trak. Only went because I got blackmailed for votes. :-( But totally no regrets though. Sick Individuals played a set throughout the night and they were AMAZEBALLS. I never realised that music like that could actually sound that good, literally stayed on the dancefloor for like >2 hours, and loved every moment of it. Even got a picture with them! THEY WERE SO CUTE (especially the guy on the right)

My cousin's coming over in a bit from Sydney and I can't wait to spend some family time together :-)
Have been partying too much omg I feel like I'm too old for this and my complexion is really screaming at me to stop all these overconsumption of alcohol and secondhand smoke. Bad lifestyle :-(

“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction--every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.” 

 ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

To lie in your bed at 2:30 in the morning, being kept awake by the thoughts you wish would just disappear and never come back again is by far one of the worst feelings ever. My mind wanders off into the "could have"s and "should have"s and "why didn't I"s, and its all ending up with the same reason, where the cause of the issue all bows down to one problem, which is me and my lack of or maybe just whatever I am.

I woke up at 3 pm today, still tired and could not find anything in me to get out of bed and start (or attempt to start) living. The past 2 weeks have been so draining, and mentally exhausting, having to handle life in general, alongside other people's useless redundant shit they like to stir for themselves, allowing them to be the star of their own drama, blowing up simple issues into big mega blockbusters that everyone has to be a part of. I'm over this, and it's disgusting to see you stoop that low - but then again maybe we're of the same level. I know I know, to not point out that speck of sawdust in other people's eye and notice that plank in mine is something that I understand what baffles me is just our incapability to just sometimes shut the fuck up and deal with shit.

So many times I feel like whatever this is, I can always hear your voice in my head telling me to shut up and get over it. And I always feel like I should, because you're the one that seems more of this than I am but a part of me gets ticked off as to why people are allowed to feel this way and there are some that simply don't.

oh my god I wish I was coherent enough to link my thoughts into sentences. I wish I wish I wish. I guess to be hopeful is something that isn't for me at all.

Shouldn't have eaten so much today, because right now I feel like everything is about to come right out and I feel so sick of everything, literally. The next 3 days is going to be hell.

I knew it. That somewhere and somehow, I would just snap. Even if it was just for a little bit.

Tonight, in the midst of all these emotions and thoughts and feelings and words that I've kept in for so long, I picked up my phone and realised that I almost have no one to call. And even if I did, I almost nothing to say. Whatever I'm feeling so shit about is almost everything that bows down to being so disgustingly self obsessed. I can almost hear my mind screaming to get over hoping that anything could have happened because you don't deserve anything so why are you hoping. But the other half me just feels broken up and angry and hurt and all sorts of whiny. I just dont know who I can say all of this to, and at this moment its where you feel so lonely and alone and I fucking hate everyone and their shitty attitudes.

Fucking exclusivity. So fucking what. It sickens me that you can be so lucky. That night what you told me, I know you meant it but look what you're surrounded with - the right people at the right time and I can't help but feel so overwhelmed with jealousy because what do you have that deserves that and what do I lack to not have that. And you know I know, but you fucking put your facade on refusing to let me in and one thing I guess I'm happy witj is that I never did once let you in because I've realised, all you ever want is attention. Fuckin surrounded by people all the damn time.

I dont know i dont know it sounds like a fucking joke rn like a bloody paradox like I'm pointing out faults in people but wtf about ne omg omgomgosndowshownflwmgje i cannot ok bye also, i hate the fact that people bitch me on texts like fuck i know you have bf issues but dont come bitch me on texts just cauae i don't reply ok

Fuckin people and their attitudes im a fuckin hypocrite so fucking WHAT.

Rainy Days

It literally hasn't stopped raining over here in Melbourne for the past 3 days. It's getting me kind of gloomy and nua-ish I don't really think it's healthy.

But this weather always gives me an excuse to listen to really chill music and feel so kngskermgsgkltj and I appreciate these type of chill, laid back music so much more thanks to the apt weather. So I guess it's a good time to also share with you guys some of the people I've been listening to during these past 3 days to cultivate them feels :-)))



(If anyone were to ask me what was my ideal type, I know what to say already. It would be "That guy! Charlie Lim! Tall, really really cute, slightly conserved and plays the guitar." My type, my type hehe)


(This song actually brought tears to my eyes, I am such a huge fan of this girl. The above song is about her grandfather that had cancer, and it was so raw and filled with emotions, I was just... blown away.)



ALL IN ALL, all the above videos are from blossoming talents in Singapore. Was really bummed that there weren't any of their gigs in jan/feb when I was back for my summer break, else I would have gone to watch them and secretly fangirl over them :-(



Alright, go forth and listen children. Let me know what you think!
Hope Singapore isn't as gloomy as Melbourne right now. :-)

You're lucky.

Instead of laughing and poking fun at those 16, 17 year olds and their instagram/blog/twitter posts, filled with dedications and revelations on how they might have found The One, I've come to realise that it's more brave than silly, really.

If someone were to ask me to take that leap of faith into the unknown, being so fearlessly ready to commit to someone with all my secrets, emotions, feelings and thoughts all kept with one person, I would have immediately declined this gamble.

I now look at these people with so much admiration and a tinge of jealousy, because I can only imagine, how big a risk it is to invest this much of you in them, and be envious at the same time at how things have flourished in the relationship making both of them grow to be better people than they were before.

This week I stumbled across this girl's blog, where she writes so beautifully about her relationship with her boyfriend, I talked about relationships with a close friend and she told me the stories and lessons about her relationship with her boyfriend of 2 coming 3 years, I heard about fights that happened between one of my closest friends who are a couple as well and I was updated on one of my best friend's relationship lately and shared a couple of laughs over the silly things they argued about.

Being with someone you love so much but can find the means in you to hate so much at times....is something that I have never experienced before. To throw honest, heartbreaking words at each other in the midst of a quarrel is something I've never done before. To have someone as a constant, to see you through the good the bad and the ugly... someone whom you know you can immediately run towards when you have anything, anything at all - be it a bad day at school, a tummy ache, or to tell him that weird dream you had last night, or to share your darkest secrets with... But through all of this, you have the comfort that they're still there, at the end of the day. No matter how many detours you take, one of the few constant things you have in this crazy crazy, hormonal-pms-raging-emotional teenage life, is them. That they'll be there to conquer anything, head on.

It somewhat sounds like a whirlwind of emotions, but at least I guess there's someone there that's going through it with you. Must be something that's a out-of-this-world experience... Must be something good though, right? Since everything I've read and heard about from people, books and music seems to glorify this thing called "relationships" or "being together" or "finding the one" (or someone you think is the one but ends up being not haha)

The heartbreaks, the tears, the immense joy, the wonderful memories, the kisses that say "I'm sorry", the words that speak to your heart are the same ones you'll grow to believe... I hope one day, maybe just one day - if I'm lucky and deserving enough, I'll be able to experience it.

But for now, my heart is void of all emotions, my energy is nearing zero and I am simply too exhausted. In time to come, maybe I'll get better than this. :-)