Partial

Coming home this time around felt slightly different than the other times. Maybe it's the fact that I've come to take notice of how the things around have changed so much after just a mere 14 weeks from being away from home.

Everything seems significantly..... older. The photographs on display seemed to have gotten a yellow tint, the sofa's leather seemed to be softer with more creases, and the creaking from the fan got louder and now it can't even rotate properly. Small things like these.

It's the end of another semester! Pretty bummed out I don't get to spend my whole summer back here in Singapore thanks to summer school but I guess one month will have to suffice.

The past few weeks I've made it a point to absorb the "energy" from the people around me. I don't know any better way to phrase it but it's basically making an effort to really soak in their vibes and listen to their stories and learning about what motivates them. I've been trying hard to believe that the future isn't as bleak as it seems and life isn't all about xx and xx but so much more.

As 2014 is sputtering towards an end, it's always this time when we reflect on the events that have happened this year, no? If I bother, a post will be up about that soon. If not then -  be right back kiddos. This space is dying. :-(

|| THOUGHTS WITH TONSILLITIS: WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE ||

The past 5 days could probably be called "The Most". The most number of calls I made to my mum and family, the most number of pills I've taken (this includes a full box of Neurofen, panadol and finishing up my antibiotics), the most number of times I've gotten headaches in my life (no kidding), the most number of times I've gotten fevers (because they came on and off), and lastly, it might not be "the most" but I certainly had one of the highest temperatures in a very, very long time. 

I initially wanted to do up a post, filled with details of how my last 5 days in complete torture went-how much I cried and cried and couldn't cry, how hurt (hurt can't even describe the betrayal - some might call it) I was when the closest friends I thought would come "ASAP!!!!" to help - didn't, and how superficial words meant and how stupid I was to take it to heart so easily. But I decided against it. 

Because.... I decided that I should do up a post about thankfulness instead. Now every time I open my fridge door, there's always this warm fuzzy feeling (cliche, sorry) knowing that the stuff in there were all hastily brought over by my grandaunt who got calls from my grandma back in Singapore to give to me. Like they always say: my fridge is full and so, my heart and stomach are full. 

Things to be thankful #1: Family

As you can see, this isn't a recent photo. I just miss the times when Josh was shorter than me holla 2012

When you're in the state that I was in, alone in Melbourne, with relatives living in a suburb that is about a 30 - 40 minute drive from the city, what do you do? 

I called my mum, 6,060 km away from me - just like any smart person with a high fever and tonsillitis would.

My mum probably hated getting calls from her daughter for 5 days straight, constantly crying and mumbling out words that usually just sounds like "...... TAKE ME HOME" or ".....MUMMY PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IT'S SO PAINFUL" or "I HAVE EXAMS NEXT WEEK I CAN'T STUDY I CAN'T FAIL EITHER MUMMY". 

My aunt got pulled into the picture too, so she was always texting me or calling me asking if my throat got better or fever subsided. My aunt's friend - who's a family friend and a doctor, got involved too, being my whatsapp doctor for the week because my mum and aunt believed the doctors here were useless because, I quote, "what kind of doctor Rachel go see, see 2 times also still sick?!" 

Both my grandmas also got involved. One (top) was actively involved, because she was the one that called up my grandaunt here and activated their whole family to make their way down to the city on Saturday. So my uncle, grandaunt came down specially to rub some Chinese medicine all over me and deliver me food and snacks because they thought I was starving (which is partially true). They got my second cousin to make another trip down in the evening after his shift to come and see me because he's a doctor and would provide the right medical reassurance. And he sure did. 

He checked up on me, listened to the pains I went through for 5 days, and prayed for me. 

That prayer and whatever he said to me gave me such a huge blanket of comfort - is this a logical metaphor? hahah idk. 

Things to be thankful for #2: Lynn Ng 

On Thursday - the night I had ran one of the highest fevers I've had in a long time, Lynn came to my rescue. I am so thankful for her because before she came, I was crying for help in my room, helplessly calling my mum because I couldn't even stand up right to walk to the kitchen to heat up my first meal of the day. Lynn came over and stayed by my side for the whole evening, from heating up my meal, to washing up, cleaning up, feeding me my meds, tucking me in and we even took our friendship to the next level by having her rub a hard boiled egg wrapped in a towel all over me (my mum asked her to do this but sadly it didn't bring down the fever, but Lynn sure did have a good laugh). Hahaha, I was so sick I couldn't even laugh at how ridiculous the whole situation was at that time. I am so indebted to this girl I really didn't think anyone would have taken so much effort and time off studying to make sure I was relatively comfortable given the state I was in. 

Thank you thank you thank you Lynn, for taking care of me, checking up to see if I'm alright and doing everything else you did. I love you. 

Also, huge shoutout to Kevin for buying me that bottle of honey lemon tea. I was really touched by that gesture. Made my whole weekend :'-)

Things to be thankful for #3: God

Found this saying on Tumblr a couple of days ago, "God sometimes doesn't want to change your situation because he wants to change your heart." Throughout the past 5 days, I prayed non stop for God to change the state that I was in, but it only got worse by the day. My mum told me I wasn't praying with faith, not enough conviction that God will help me through this. But I was, and I prayed with thankfulness, gratefulness, asked God for forgiveness for my sins... but my health condition worsened by the day. I couldn't study well, eat well nor sleep well. 

And then I realised, the past few weeks I've been praying and asking God to have some form of breakthrough in my life, because I wanted to draw near to him again. I cut back on church this semester, filled with excuses - mainly the inability to sleep at night, hated myself for the fact that I'm always only ever going to God whenever I seem to be in trouble or need help. So many times that I could thank God, I didn't. But one day I found the peace within me and realised that maybe this is how things are going to work out, God comes at our lowest points in life, to bring us up again.  

And the prayer that I've been praying for, a breakthrough, finally came! In the form of Tonsillitis and all the other wonderful things that came along with it. :-) 

It wasn't the breakthrough that I was expecting, but it certainly did break me down. Good. 

Every day before I got out of bed, I prayed for God to enable me to stand without feeling giddy. Every night before I went to sleep, I prayed for God to take away the nightmares and cold sweat at night. After 5 days of praying, and crying out for God's help and peace (literally), I've learnt to be thankful. For God for seeing me through this, to learn how to be grateful for even the smallest things, like standing upright without feeling dizzy at all. It surprises me every time, how God seems to reveal himself to you in one way or another.

This song was a timely reminder for me and I hope it works its way into you, too. 

Empty handed

but not forsaken

I've been set free

//

So take this heart Lord

I'll be your vessel 

the world to see 

Your life in me

To future Rachel when you are all well and healthy: 

1. Remember that God will not forsake you, no matter how much isolation you might feel. God will never put you through things that you cannot go through. 

2. Family will always, always love you. This includes them taking a 30 minute drive to rub egg and glutinous rice flour all over your body because it would help in reducing the heatiness. It also includes them calling doctors all sorts of names because he couldn't prescribe you the right medication, which would also then lead to your mother speed posting you a whole bunch of medication from Singapore - first class. 

3. Friends do indeed come and go, and even the one that you thought would come rushing to help you in your weakest will disappoint you. Stop taking words to heart so easily and trusting them 100%. People lie, too. Also, you're probably not as important to them as they are to you, so maybe stopping with the self indulgence might help...I'm still working on that lol. But hey, you know what? On the bright side, there are some friends that can be great pillars of strength when you least expect it. And those are the ones you should learn to treasure more in your life. :-)

I was blind, but now I see. 

Till next time, 

xx

SSS COMMITTEE 2014/2015

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

- We Bought A Zoo

One of the main things that get me by every week. From strangers or barely even friends at the elections, to being able one of the most efficient groups to work with - blindly navigating ourselves event after event, meeting after meeting. 

I remember shaking and having all sorts of thoughts of pulling out from running for the committee position in may, afraid of working with strangers, believing that the person running against me was a much better choice... 

But that 20 seconds of insane courage to be able to convince myself that I will be okay during my speech. The 20 seconds of insane courage to walk up in front of about 40 people to deliver the speech in coherent words. I never thought it would lead me to this - the people, the experience, the stories and the laughter. 

I couldn't be more grateful that through the 20 seconds of insane courage of doing something way out of my comfort zone-

 I found them. 

MINI CLOSURE

The end of Year 2 sem 1 is sputtering towards its closure, where we all end it off with finals. It's what we always work towards once we start the long 12 week journey. It's our goal, our finishing line for the semester.

This semester - like every other semester, passed by way too quick. Events after events for SSS, planning, executing, mid semester exams, projects, deadlines, emily coming down for 2 weeks... all of these added up to my semester and it made it speed up so fast it barely registered in my head that swotvac is just next week.

I wish I was able to blog about more useful and meaningful things, but it's beyond me to think of content to fill this page up, the direction of this blog, the purpose of even keeping this space alive... maybe I should close this place up for good.

Uni life rids me of everything and I feel so numb (I know I've said this a gazillion times but it's true). But I have to give it to the friends that I've made this semester, the friends that I've grown closer to - because they are the ones that made my past 12 weeks of hell slightly better.

On another note, my brother is coming down to say hi in about 1 months' time. Can't wait. 

"I decided that I was a feminist. This seemed uncomplicated to me. But my recent research has shown me that feminism has become an unpopular word. Women are choosing not to identify as feminists. Apparently, [women’s expression is] seen as too strong, too aggressive, isolating, and anti-men, unattractive even.

Why has the word become such an uncomfortable one? I think it is right I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should be able to make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on my behalf in the policies and decisions that will affect my life. I think it is right that socially, I am afforded the same respect as men.

If you believe in equality, you might be one of the inadvertent feminists I spoke of earlier and for this I applaud you."

- Emma Watson

Sadly, its true to say that there are still many men in this world that believe that women are supposed/not supposed to do certain things. And many women, even, believe that they are confined by these set of "rules". Feminism is definitely a topic that can be debated on all day, but Emma Watson did an amazing job at getting the message across that it's something that's not "man-hating". 

I know a handful of male friends that still stand by the fact that when they get married, they refuse to let their wives work because it is only "right" that women should be homemakers when they get married. It's "old" and "traditional" thinking, but to my surprise, they strongly stand by the fact that it's a way of "showing their love" for their wives. I get it to some extent, but for someone like me, I don't think that women must be homemakers when they get married. What's the reason? Just because you're a woman? And a man should be the only breadwinner in the family just because he's a man? If that's their basis of reasoning, then I don't accept it. 

Such a debatable subject, but overall, kudos to you Emma Watson. :'-) 

N I N E T E E N || 1 9

It seems like every time when I turn a year older, a blog post has to be done to remind myself of how amazingly blessed I am to have such friends surrounding me.

Some friends come and go it's inevitable, I know. But there's a few that stay, a few that have come into my life the past year and made my 2014 what it is..... I can't be more thankful.

When I turned 19 this year, I spent the first few minutes into my birthday talking about ideal types in the seminar room with Sam and Olllie, when Jasmine Chin called me and sent her greetings. We were never that good with words, but it was still sweet enough. Mistika and Shona both sent their greetings as well which were so sweet and heartwarming.

Honestly I really appreciate every message that was sent to me because I know that it takes some sort of effort to search my damn name in the contact list and type out a birthday wish regardless of how long it is. Thank you thank you thank you for all the messages.

This year, I momentarily forgot that my birthday was happening until Jasmine's call. I had zero mood to be celebrating thanks to my shitty mid sem results, and I had to represent SSS and attend some dinner on my birthday. Basically my day started at 7am, for an 8am business finance lecture. Then back to school for a 2 hour cost management lecture, followed by a consult session and then I camped in the library for a solid 3 hours before heading out for the dinner.

I really didn't want anything, not even asking for a dinner since I was busy. Called my mum up almost teared up because she said, "go on and celebrate! Buy yourself a cake, Mummy treat you. Don't be so sad about everything this week." It truly has been a shit week though.

But thank you to Sam, for heading out to Richmond to have brunch with me and insisting on a birthday treat. Thank you to Lynn, for getting me my first 19th birthday cake, rushing up to my place as I only had 1 hr to spare before heading out for dinner. It was so sweet and personal, I nearly teared :'-) Thank you to Leo and Chun for thinking of getting me a cake, and the whole SOV + OSU + Other Ps and VPs for celebrating my birthday with me, even though I really didn't want anyone to know it was my birthday at the dinner. Major props to Leo for bracing the cold wind without his jacket for a good 15-20 minutes just to get me a cake (which was delicious). Thank you to Daryl and Justin, for inviting me to Crown's VIP room, getting me glasses after glasses of alcohol and just talking shit for a good 2 hours. Thank you to Bun and Tim, for the effort that went into making me 25 jello shots which failed terribly thanks to the crazy amount of alcohol they put in one shot glass. But I still cleared about 15 shots in less than 30 minutes just for you guys. Thank you for the pictures that Bun so painstakingly printed out and cut out and stuck into the shot glasses, they were so adorable and the cute little krispy kreme donut as my make shift birthday cake was so awesome as well. Thank you for waiting till I got back at 1am and tricking me for the last 2 hours, making me believe that Tim ditched Bun at the library. :-(

Thank you for the instagram photo dedications, the long messages, the texts, the calls and the facebook messages. They all made me smile and made me feel a little special today. :-) I couldn't be more grateful and thankful and I truly feel so loved today.

Special shoutout to my TK girls - my rock, my shelter, my everything. Shoutout to Jasmine and Shona, the girls that I spend almost 24/7 with and will never get sick of, the thought of you guys wanting to surprise me is very much appreciated but go and rush your assignments please. Shoutout to Bryan Keefe Cresswell, who wished me a happy 20th birthday a year in advance, we have been friends for a good 6 years but you still can't remember my age I guess this is how much you love me haha. One of the most heartfelt and sweetest messages I've received from any boy and from Bryan after him being one of my closest guy friends for 6 years. It's always nice to know that I'm actually doing someone proud. :'-)

It's a choppy post with bad english everywhere but please pardon me because it's 4:30 am and I can't go to bed without typing all of this out and trying to find a way of expressing my gratitude to all these well wishes and birthday surprises because I honestly feel like I deserve nothing. Every time this happens I keep telling myself "don't know what I did but I must have done something right to have these wonderful human beings as my friends". 

Must have done something right. 

It's been a great start to being 19. 

:-)

S E L F L O V E = N O L O V E

My skin has been in check recently, which never ever happens for more than a week. So accompanied with relatively good lighting, and a hell lot of procrastination- 

I camwhore. 

On side note, I deeply regret my side fringe/ bangs. Epitome of screwed up. 

U N || M O T I V A T E D

It's been a while with this space. Uni life has been kicking me way down into the slumps and everything seems to be moving at supersonic speed and I feel as though I'm too lazy to catch up. :-(
Fell terribly sick the last couple of weeks and it crippled my studying pace. Emily also came down for 2 weeks and we had tons of fun together! (Also had to go through 2 assignment submissions and 1 mid semester exam while she was here) ((While fighting the bad throat))

Week 7 of uni is about to start and I am not ready, so not ready for swotvac to come.

Some visuals just to keep this space looking more vibrant than it actually is.
Leo's 22nd birthday party yesterday was da bomb. Made some new friends and found my spirit animal and I think we're going to go out for a meal soon haha. Played beer pong and some relay thing which was so stressful and fun. Mainly fun. We were all half drunk talking shit and basically last night was such a good night. :-)

Good friends, good alcohol and good music is what sums up a good house party.
Happy Happy Birthday Leo!

Thank you. I love it how you completely erased me from your past- as if nothing actually happened, and it's amazing because since forever we've been set on the fact that we were nothing more than that. I love how we're in this state now, it's so funny because we used to be so sure that things wouldn't end up like this but hey we were so young and so bloody foolish. Even the best friendships end up broken sometimes and I guess we were no exception. I love it how we were not even considered "a thing of the past", and that we'll never ever talk about it, and our stories will be buried deep into the corner of our memories labelled "mistakes I never want to talk about". I love it how you used to tell me that I made you happy and how comfortable we were with each other but now we don't speak a single god damn word to one another. I don't exist in your stories and neither will you. That's great because what it was was nothing but lies, non existent feelings and a whole lot of bullshit. So thank you for making me feel so damn amazing today because I just absolutely love the feeling of being reminded about how insignificant I was and am and I fucking love it. Thank you. :-)

ps I hate the fact that I'm still blogging about this after so long.

E L U S I V E

((Every night I just dream the same dream of you.))

It's like the calm before the storm, piece by piece I feel it slowly unravelling. Last night, in the midst of all these people - I was stuck in limbo once again, the state of utter confusion and disbelief. Blame it on the alcohol, cigarettes and the lack of sleep but somehow somewhere it all came back.

But that's why I like drinking and parties. Because you get too caught up in nothing and everything becomes a tad bit simpler in my head. Less that inner voice that kills the shit out of me sometimes, less the feeling of just wanting to sink into the floor and disappear from everyone, less all of these useless insecurities and truths that amplifies throughout my whole system 24/7. Alcohol gives you liquid courage and helps me fake it so damn well.
But that's also the same reason why I hate drinking. I lie, I lie I lie. The truths are what haunts me but I momentarily forget about them, substituting them with the feeling of light headedness from the endless amounts of whiskey, tequila and vodka shots accompanied by booming music and conversations with people I never seem to recall.

Ah, whatever.
There are better things to think about. Like whether or not I should go snowboarding tomorrow, aka in 2 hours.

W I N T E R B R E A K 2 0 1 4

I've been neglecting this space too much. Initially, after my exams I revamped my whole blog with the motivation to blog during my winter break. However, this did not happen. (As you can already tell)

It's a bummer because I feel like I should be documenting everything that I've been doing in Singapore + this whole winter break since it's my last time being home until July 2015 and it's kind of my last official break as well since there's going to be summer school and internships coming up. :-(

My winter break so far: (that is painfully coming to an end)

1. Korea with Jasmine!!! SO much fun. Learnt and experienced so much more than what I was expecting/prepared for. Did so many things I never thought I would have done if not for Chaewon and her wonderful family, the couchsurfing community and our own yolo attitude.

Seoul, Wonju, Gangreung and Busan were all sorts of magical and wonderful and so, so so fun. Can't seem to be able to put what I saw and what I felt in words so I guess this will have to suffice. (Oh and of course, our VLOGS!) Still suffering from withdrawals from this trip. :-( I need to go back to Korea!!

2. Just spent most of my time back hanging with my family, which mostly consists of eating and eating and eating. I've just been gaining all the weight over here. I guess it isn't a bad thing since I won't be in Singapore till a year later. (This is really bumming me out)

3. Things started turning around for certain things but it's not the end yet and it's just going to be tougher from now onwards, but I reckon now at least the road doesn't seem too misty and we're not too lost. So we'll just have to make do with our circumstances. :-) Thanking God for everything that has happened so far.

4. Skipping the first week of school does have it's pros and cons.
Pros: Everyone is stressing out over school in Melbourne and I'm still here in Singapore in degen mode.
Cons: Read the above.

Alright, so that's basically about it and I can safely say that this break was truly a well deserved one and our trip to Korea is definitely one for the books.

I still feel like I'm not ready for uni to start. But I guess that's why they say time waits for no man hey.
Starting my second year in Uni next week. Double the pressure, double the fun!

Till next time.

P O S T E X A M S

Started the week off by ending my finals, by taking the shittiest paper ever but I still managed to push through so hopefully all the blood sweat and tears will pay off. I'll see in 2 weeks.

Anyway the past 2 days have been nothing but NUA. Or in Jasmine's case, it is called degeneration. So all we do is degen, which is such an apt term to describe this feel. Major props to Gerald, for going on a mini road trip / food adventure right after the end of our papers, from driving all the way up to Mount Dandenong, to taking a 1hr drive to mornington peninsula to see the sunset, and then chilling at his place (which is the ULTIMATE nua place), and then ending the night off by heading to Springvale for some hot hot pho to warm us up and I had the best food coma in eons.

Got to see 2 of my favourite views ever in one day, the beach and the mountains. It was so amazing!!!!

Also got to hang out with sam just this evening. Don't think I've had a reflective/deep/intellectually stimulating conversation in quite a while. Chatted about anything and everything, from school to politics to friends and the future. Honestly she got me quite excited again about the future and it's really just refreshing to talk to people with positive vibes all around them. :-)

Homebound in 5 days!!!!! Can't wait.

Anxiety.

I don't like talking much about my anxiety issues here on such a public, open space whereby everyone is allowed to read this space and probably roll their eyes and judge and say "my god it's just 4 subjects, and you can't even handle this shit" or "you're just over exaggerating rachel pls you just want attention" or whatever retarded judgmental bitches might think of but this is my blog and right now I'm using this as a platform to keep track of my emotions since I realised I mostly blog whenever I'm feeling like shit.

I've only ever had panic attacks probably 3 times before and the last time I had it was probably during my sem 1 exams and it was the worst out of the 3. This time around I managed to psych myself during the whole semester, telling myself that I am stronger and more capable than what my mind thinks I am. Swotvac was relatively good, where I didn't feel any symptoms of anxiety or another panic attack creeping up.

But I think during the night before my 2nd paper, my economics exam, I started to freak out a little and almost got a panic attack. Called my mum up, couldn't breathe, nothing was going it, my left hand was rolled up into a fist, and I didn't notice that my fingernails were digging so deep into my palms. But I didn't crumble and hyperventilate and cry, I managed to calm myself down and told myself that I just simply do not have the time to do that. True enough, it worked.

Next up was before my 3rd paper, which was an accounting theory paper. It really scared the living shit out of me, the whole day was terrible, Gerald tried calling me to explain something and then I started crying because I couldn't get half the shit he was talking about and I couldn't memorise my risks and control plans well enough. Thank God Ivana was there next to me when I was freaking out and she told me to breathe and take it easy. Had dinner followed by a 3 hour break trying to get my mind to calm down instead of worrying all over the place. Called my mum up, cried my ass off, talked to my dad, couldn't speak, hyperventilated for a bit, but managed to calm down.

And that night was the night I started to realise that my anxiety was costing me my sleep. I couldn't sleep because my heartbeat would start to race even though I was laying silent in my bed and as still as possible but it would feel like my heartbeat is resounding in my mind, like it was shaking my whole body and I couldn't fall asleep - as though my heartbeat is the thing that is keeping me awake.

Last night was pretty shit as well. Only managed to get to bed at 4am, tossed and turned until 6am and throughout those two hrs it was almost the same as described above and in addition, I felt so nauseous in bed and lightheaded. My eyes were tired but my heart kept beating and I couldn't fall asleep. It's probably the worst thing to feel so mentally tired but your mind doesn't let you rest.

Woke up at 11am today to send Wenyi off, treated myself to a good burger but the nauseous feeling doesn't seem to go away. Googled up all these symptoms and it really does seem that it's anxiety and all that wonderful jazz. I hate it and it just sickens me on how weak my body + mind seems to react to stress. :-( Don't know any other way to help me help myself when I feel as though I'm already trying my best.

W O N D E R L A N D X S W I T Z E R L A N D

Missing my family and our adventures a little bit more than usual today. 

Can't wait to be home. 

Downfall

I'm just getting so sick of this routine I've really forgotten what it was like being 12, 15, 16 even.
I don't recall. Everything felt like it happened so long ago, almost as if it happened a lifetime ago.

Anyway, the past week felt like a chore to go through, waking up at 7 every day and getting to the library at 8:30 am and just pumping revision until 6pm, then heading back for a short dinner break and booking the seminar room and pumping more revision till 12 midnight.

I'm glad I wasn't as burnt out as I was last sem, but its still so sickening and disgusting to live through swotvac aka study week. It's as painful as it was last semester.
Except this time there's so much more at stake if I screw anything up. It's so scary and I'm so, so, afraid.

"The Pope has repeatedly clarified that the Church's purpose is not to condemn sinners for falling short of complying with Catholic law, especially in terms of issues with sexual or gender orientation. The Church is supposed to celebrate God's merciful love for any and all people."

Just thought that this was really well said.

Glitter Pens

Just opened up my pencil case stuffed with my colour markers I've had since 2007... it's amazing how they haven't ran out of ink yet.

It just occurred to me that quite a few of these markers were gifted to me, a set of stabilo ones were from Nicole back in 2009, and a set of glitter pens were from my dad back in 2007/2008. In all honesty, I actually forgot that my dad used to buy me glitter pens.

Only today, I suddenly recalled that he used to. It was never pilot, or clear colour, or stabilo. It was always those 40 colour pens set you'd see in the market or pasar malams, where half the colours don't work or they were too smelly to use. My dad used to buy me so many of those, because he knew how much I loved glitter pens back then and he tried to provide for me as much as he could given our financial circumstances. I still have them in my pencil case, and I still use them to annotate on my uni notes. Just remembering where and how these pens ended up in my hands now just makes me feel so nostalgic. Don't know if I make sense right now but all I know is that I desperately need to get this off my chest before I drown in all my feels.

I really wish I could be home right now, barging into my parent's room, seeing my dad on the bed with his reading glasses resting on his nose bridge, with that focused look he has every time he reads the newspaper. I'd show him these pens and tell him that it may be a few years too late but thank him for the pens and tell him that I appreciate everything he has done to provide for our family, for me. From buying me new pens to use despite taking the train to work every day for 5 years and walking from shenton way all the way home if you had OT because you wanted to save money on the cab fare to finally being able to drive to work comfortably. From upgrading our sunday after-church lunches where we used to dapao from old airport hawker centre and eat at home to finally being able to go out after church for lunches at orchard. From surprising me at 12 years old with a china replicated ipod/mp3 player on the coffeetable one morning before I went to school - which I was seriously so happy I remember crying, to buying me my first apple ipod at 14. So many stories, and I feel like I don't appreciate the things you do for us enough 99% of the time.

You're a fighter, dad. I don't say it often and neither do you but, thank you for everything. For working your butt off to provide for this family, to get us to where we are today. Even though I've failed you a million times and tried to retaliate, I've hurt you, I've let you down but up till now, you still tell me that you love me - in your own special way. You are someone that I really look up to, and I guess maybe that's why your words can cause such a big impact on me even up till now. You barely sing praises nor encourage us but when you do....

"We are all supporting your dreams, go and make them real. Have no fear but courage...... tomorrow. Courage belongs to those who dares to dream and makes them real. Every trial in life offers opportunities to learn and grow. Don't stop growing my dear daughter........"

I stuck that message on my wall when I was in Trinity, the next day after you texted me that, and now it's stuck on my desk, where I can see it every day.

I love you papa, and whatever challenges that we may face we face it headstrong, together.

Refreshed.

The weeks drone on and we've already reached the end of week 10. Same stories same complaints every week, on how everything is so damn tiring.

I would say that I'm much more motivated than I was as compared to last semester, but given that last sem I barely did anything and felt anything the whole time..... I don't know how motivated is motivated as of now.

School is so exhausting, same shit I say every week. It's a miracle that I always manage to pull through the week. And it's not like the next week will be any better. Assignments due at the beginning of the last two weeks and the coming one, so basically that really just burns off my weekends, stressed out as shit in front of my laptop, getting all my group mates to go onto google docs, cutting words to meet the word limit, only sleeping at 3 am..... it's painful man.

I'm seriously drained and mentally so exhausted sometimes I feel as though I'm just passing through school like its a blur and I don't even know what I'm studying. But I guess we have to sometimes take things in a positive light. I don't know how I've been doing it or maybe it's just listening to stories from people, drawing something out of their positive mindsets and energy they seem to exude. It refreshes me time and time again, constantly reminding me that there's really a light at the end of the tunnel - regardless of how small that beam of light is.

This week Sherwynn, Jasmine and I were having this conversation about how much school sucked and where did time go bla bla bla and I threw out the question of how on earth does everyone stay motivated given that it's already week 10. Sherwynn said, "Every night I go to bed dreaming about the day I become a doctor. That's what keeps me going. My future. And every night I think about the life that I want to lead, my kids, my husband... everything, and I get so pumped up and motivated to keep going."

I paused for a moment because that never occurred to me. And it hit me hard. Because I was so amazed by the fact that by just thinking about the future would allow someone to stay so motivated. Too many times I've been telling everyone around me (be it jokingly) "the future is bleak, people." or "It doesn't get any better." But I guess perspective is really important and the change starts from the mentality you have.

The last 2 weeks were one of the shittiest, in terms of other things besides studies as well. And too many times I've felt like quitting and just asking anyone, or everyone WHY this is happening to us. It didn't make sense and I've felt angry, sad and so lost all at once. Guess that's why the only thing I can really do is just to leave these issues to the big guy up there and just focus on the only thing I can do right now - which is to study.

Yay, feeling so motivated and pumped up. Tomorrow I've got a group meeting at 2pm and we're planning to complete everything by 6pm. There goes my saturday. :-):-):-)

Oh yes, and I finally decided to go for OCF tonight instead of opting for a night spent at the club. It was one of the better decisions I've made so far for my friday nights. Made some new friends over some good bonding time. Also, 3 hours of worship and prayer was really emotionally tiring but at the same time, it's refreshing. Hopefully this will last me a while.

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders

Trusting God is simply believing that He loves you, He’s good, He has the power to help you, He wants to help you, and He will help you. 

Christians are called believers, but many times, we are more like unbelieving believers. We trust our friends, the bank, the stock market or the government more than we trust God and His Word. 

In John 15:5, Jesus says that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We need to lean on Him for help with everything in our lives. Sadly, a lot of people go to church, hear what they should do and then go home and try to do it on their own. They usually end up desperately telling God how hard they’re trying to do what they need to do, and they’re leaving Him out! 

God wants us to put Him first in our lives. He wants us to put our confidence and trust in Him, all the time, in everything

What It Means to Trust God 

by Joyce Meyer 

Probably heard one of the worst things anyone could hear tonight. Everyone likes stability, right? To know that things won't change out all of a sudden, to know that there's a constant flow of something. Even if something is about to change, we all like to be prepared, to be caught prepared - if that made any sense.

It's been close to 6 years since I've heard something like this. And I guess this time around, I'm older and I can comprehend things better than my 13 year old self - I feel the impact hitting way harder than before. And being thousands of miles away, it sickens me even more that my ability to help is about negative infinity.

All I can do is pray, hope and study the hardest that I can.

It hasn't fully hit me yet, the seriousness and implications all of this might lead to and I'm so scared. So, so so scared as to what the future might look like.

Times like these I really can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of melbourne and start to work and feel like less of a burden to my family and one day I'm going to start some business of some sort, or work my ass off until I become financially independent and I can provide for parents, my brother, my loved ones and hold some sort of protective shield around them making sure they don't get hurt anymore. They've seen felt heard and gone through so much more than me and what the hell am I doing sometimes? I really cannot comprehend my stupidity and naiveness sometimes it disgusts me. God let me out of this.

God said he won't put us through something we cannot go through. We can do all things through Christ who will strengthen us right? I come running back in open arms, God give me something to believe in. Because all that's left is You.

Tonight it felt as though I was slowly picking at the stitches that were so tightly sewn together one by one. Feeling each tug and pull from the words that seemed to fall out of my mouth. It seemed almost surreal, this feeling, because honestly it's been so long since I told someone about it. The stories that made up a part of me for a while, and during that time it consumed the whole of me.

Something about the day that made it seem like a good time to speak of it. The rain, the cold, the secrets that you shared that made me feel that I had to tell you a part of me if not it's not a fair trade. But haha, it never really is, actually. But I don't regret it. Tonight I realised that I can never let myself be fully rid of what I was and who I was, because it is me. It makes up who I am and when people pry me open just to see what that is all about, I'm stuck in the middle deciding if I should just carry on with this facade or just drop everything and just be.

Tonight you looked at me with those sad eyes filled with sympathy and compassion but yet it felt so strange and foreign. You couldn't get it because you were never there, and the thoughts and feelings I tried to convey to you in words didn't seem to get my message across. I never knew how to put what I felt in words, actually. I asked you, "how does it feel when you are at your lowest?" To that you replied, "well, it's when you feel like you don't have the energy to do anything."

It was and is so much more than that for me and I guess while you were looking at me exclaiming, "aww you poor poor thing", all I could do was look back at you with eyes filled with envy, amazed at your flawlessness and the way you can throw your head back and laugh so freely, fully expressing every emotion that seems to be coming from inside of you. I almost forgot to be bitter and angry like a little brat when you were telling me that I was a poor thing. Like I didn't need any more reminder of how much of a shit person I was and actually am (but I told you I was better and you agreed wholeheartedly) Haha.

You radiate everything that I can only wish for. You exude charisma, beauty and confidence all at once. And I can only look back at you and think, "I wish I were you." But then I went home and recited the words that I've grown to believe in my head again and now, I take my words all back. The only thing I can tell myself is, "this is as good as it's going to get."

2:32 AM

Officially screwed up my sleeping cycle to no end, and I'm trying to think of ways to fix it or attempt to make myself fall asleep faster. It always sucks when you can't fall asleep. 

Got a speech to make in front of about 50 people later on, currently shitting bricks. Was never the type of person who would feel completely at ease and all before making a speech basically about marketing yourself to get votes. First and probably the last time I'll ever do this. The planning process is immense, and the fact that I have only 2 minutes is killing me. 

I suck at speeches but I really, really hope I deliver tomorrow. I have to get this. 

:-(:-(:-(:-( 

Annoyed at the fact that my week can never once go smooth sailing, like there's always some bump in the road through the week that just shakes me up for a bit. It's so tiring, ugh. 

All I do in this space is to complain about everything,  I guess. Haha. 

4 more weeks of school and it's swotvac time. 

I'll always miss the feeling of being fully alive. 

where were we going again?

Some nights I wonder if you think of me the way I think of you. I don't mean to say I think of you often, but when I do - 

It's amazing how so many things can change within a year or two. I guess things like these at this age are meant to be short lived. There is no one to blame but yourself, Rachel.

I hate the fact that this left such a big impact on me but nothing on you. You really felt nothing? Did you really forget? Do you miss us? Because I do. From the start to before everything went downhill. We wrecked us even though we promised not to.

It's the same thing over and over again, it's getting boring. And useless. There's only a certain amount of shit people can take from you, and I'm reaching my level with almost everyone around me - including myself hahaha. It's like everyone seems to be pouring out their issues to me, and I guess it's the norm to go "ya omg I had this one time...." and share my problems with them as well, but what disappoints me is that I don't.

I wish I could, I really want to. But there's always something inside of me that just refuses to speak those words as though speaking it would engrave it even deeper in my mind.

Oh well. Whatever. Over this whole lot of shit. So over it.
Time check: 2:55 am. About time I sleep.

Snuggled up on the couch on a monday night, desperate to find something common between us to be able to break the silence and be slightly less annoyed with my cousin-
we decided to watch "Shall We Dance".

Movies are really not my thing unless I'm placed in circumstances such as the described. But I didn't expect that a certain quote from the movie left such a great impact on me, it kind of gave me a reason as to why people actually get married. The writer wrote it so beautifully and now I guess I will no longer exclaim "I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY COUPLES BE MARRYING EACH OTHER" and truly not comprehend why people want to be married. I found some sort of reason from this movie, and it makes sense.

"All these promises that we make and we break...why is it that you think people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything...the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mondane things...all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying... your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness." 

Easter break 2014

Thursday night @ Motel aka the old Maze. It was aMAZEing, some old friends some new friends. Took too many drinks too quickly, but all in all I had a great night. Felt so nostalgic to be back there given the fact that that was the first club I ever went to when I came to Melbourne for the first time during my Trinity days. :'-) Memories. Lesson learnt: I can actually hold pretty serious conversations with people even when I'm really drunk. So well that even they don't know that I was actually really retarded by then. Someone told me that it was a skill. Hahaha.

Friday night @ Trak. Only went because I got blackmailed for votes. :-( But totally no regrets though. Sick Individuals played a set throughout the night and they were AMAZEBALLS. I never realised that music like that could actually sound that good, literally stayed on the dancefloor for like >2 hours, and loved every moment of it. Even got a picture with them! THEY WERE SO CUTE (especially the guy on the right)

My cousin's coming over in a bit from Sydney and I can't wait to spend some family time together :-)
Have been partying too much omg I feel like I'm too old for this and my complexion is really screaming at me to stop all these overconsumption of alcohol and secondhand smoke. Bad lifestyle :-(