I'm blaming this on the new bed but it's been a hard couple of nights falling asleep. It feels as though the uni blues are starting to kick me in my butt again. I'm trying so hard to stop everything from engulfing me whole like the last few semesters, like this new bed and duvets that trap me in my own thoughts and nightmares.
Every night my thoughts wander back to you and it starts to romanticise this tragedy, this toxic breakdown of whatever it was, it starts to obsess and over analyse on things that I shouldn't be thinking about- the way you touched me, falling asleep next to you, missing our jokes and conversations. I fall asleep to the thoughts of you. What if I never love again like how I loved you? It's a fucking melodramatic line, I know, and I blame Adele's All I Ask that has been on repeat the last 2 weeks. Ha.
I wake up and realise that I have things to do that doesn't require you in my life one bit and I know, that it is supposed to be this way- it can only be this way. I can no longer hold you the way I want to and have you the way I desire to. Call it greed, wallowing, obsessive romanticising this idea of you, but - I just want you.
When I found out an acquaintance squishes his bread as well, instead of being ecstatic as fuck that finally, someone else understands the love for squished up bread, I was defensive, almost. Like this was our thing, you know? Everyone was against it but at least, at least there was always you there to back me up. Now there's someone else that squishes his bread too and I didn't want to high five and be mocked about squished bread with him. It was always our fight, our thing.
I stiffen up at the thought that I could have a million things in common with new people that will walk in and out of my life in the coming years, that I have in common with you. There might be a few other people I will meet that will like the same music that we both like, some that may crack the same jokes that you and I both laugh hysterically at, some that might also listen to me rant about random news that happened and discuss about a fucking meteorite in the space exploding while North Korea was testing some bombs again all during the same day I was killing time in the office. That kind of shit.
Oh, and perhaps, in the near future, someone that can show me that real love isn't the kind that tantalises and keeps you hanging by a fucking thread. You are not special and you are not my everything- just like how I am nothing to you. Like how you effortlessly infatuate yourself with girls that satisfy your superficial ideals.
My best friend once told me that someone that has no substance will speak words that are of no substance. Something like if you're stupid, how do you expect yourself to say something smart?Someone that says but doesn't do, their words are rendered complete and utter bullshit.
My heart can no longer carry the weight of your words and my ears should no longer bend to the sound of your voice.
I've given up trying to tell myself that I should stop writing about you. At least it gets the thoughts of you out of my system and maybe I can sleep a little better tonight.
I hope you occasionally look up into the dark sky at night and think of me softly from time to time.
I hope you take out your phone and open up that stupid stargazing app you bought, and try to find the virgo star constellation we tried so hard to find but failed, and maybe just maybe you might actually find the constellation one lucky night. I've stopped looking up.
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