I Lost You (myself) Over & Over Again

They tell me that we're on completely different pages and even though we laugh and chat endlessly about anything and everything - it is not love. Not in that way. It's hard for me to come to terms with this and it's taking too long I know, but it's probably because you are someone that I had once given my whole heart to. I was in love with you, at the same time in love with the idea of being in love with you and last but most importantly, the thought that I can't untangle myself from - I am so terribly obsessed with loving the idea of having you love me back. I still am, I still am.  And now that I know what it is like to have you look at me and tell me that you love me, whether or not it was a lie or a reciprocating line to my "I love you"s, I believed it. And it allowed my heart and mind to manifest on the desire of you loving me back.  

Yesterday was the first time you reminded me so harshly that "now the circumstance is different what", and I felt as if you were grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me so vigorously, screaming "IT'S ALL FUCKING OVER. IT'S OVER. STOP. LET ME FUCKING GO." I snapped back with words I barely meant and regretted everything that I had told you that afternoon because I asked for it. I asked for the words that I read on the screen as a reply from you.

I set myself up in a position where I'm always hurting myself all the damn time, which is frustrating because I can't seem to get out of this cycle where I'm always causing damage and it's self-inflicted, it's self-destructive. 

You're my Achilles heel. 

Ruthole

Today has been one of those good days where I actually made time and spent it with people. Nicole always told me that whenever I'm in a bad place, I tend to surround myself with people and that is completely okay. All that I've been doing the last week is finding myself wallowing unnecessarily and finding time to just be sad about things. The last straw was last night, after feeling even shitter that I've finished my pack of cigarettes and having Mayday Parade blasting on my ipod, I was officially in the pits and it was that kind of feeling like I was taking a million steps back. I hated it. I have always hated going backwards and downwards, and sadly coming home this time felt a lot like that.

So today was a good day because I got to fill my time up listening and spending time with people that just basically remind me that I'm an individual person that doesn't need to latch onto someone or something or some feeling. That was something that felt completely freeing, which also served as a great reminder that I have my own time, thoughts and people to fill myself up with. It sounds like a weird concept and probably something very DUH now that I'm typing this down but it was something that I haven't reminded myself of recently and I've just been going back and forth, shuffling between my own obsessive thoughts of useless things. I had lunch with Jodie, hung out with Nicole in the afternoon, visited Lynn and caught up and had dinner with an acquaintance with great conversations. We even walked around Kino for a good hour or so and shared our favourite books, some of them we had in common and we chatted about them and then we proceeded to read lame books about our zodiac sign future for the upcoming Chinese New Year. We had a good laugh.

Actually, the reason why I'm probably so tired out from today is because I've been so busy speaking to these people and it takes effort I guess, to be so present and engaged in such satisfying conversations. I'm glad. We spoke about our lives, the future (which is the hot topic the last few months), secondary school shenanigans, caught up about Melbourne friends, university life, work, love, the shit in Syria, the shit in North Korea, politics, books, poetry, sports, travel, science...... Reflecting back on the topics of conversations I had, I can safely say that I loved every bit of today. :-)

I am so filled up with good conversations and it is so pleasant to be rid of all these unwanted feelings and the thought of being so hung up over things for just one day. 

Nicole told me that it's okay to be not okay, which is something that I 100% believe. And soon enough this mourning of the loss of something and the lack of something will soon be made up with the realisation that you can indeed carry on and move forward with yourself. Like how I've always been doing. I have a life outside of this rut and it shines ever so brightly, all I need to do is to get out of here one step at a time. Today was a baby step in the right direction and I am so glad I made the plans that I made today. 

4:50 I've Never Been So Awake

It's 4:50am and I just woke from a terrible nightmare my stomach is churning and I'm feeling so anxious for no fricking reason. Perhaps its because of work, but at some point in my nightmare I dreamt about losing you again. Now all I want to do is call you up and hear you tell me things that I need to hear. I thought I could be okay with this but I don't know I dont fucking know why I'm writing this at 5 in the morning and I don't know why my thoughts always go back to you when I close my eyes and I don't know why I'm feeling so petrified of losing you even though you told me you're not going anywhere.

Fuck, maybe it's just the thought of work tomorrow that is messing me up.

For Future Reference

To future Rachel, things to learn from your parents:

1. Your mother's patience 

2. The way your mother puts her family first

(you can see it through her dry and wrinkled hands that were damaged thanks to the laundry detergent you can also see it through the dishes she prepares despite a long day at work) 

3. Your mother's attitude 

(she tells you to be live simply and stay contented all the time) 

4. Your father's determination in everything he faces in life 

(you've seen it from the way he learnt how to walk after his surgery and the success he has achieved throughout the last 10 years all by himself)

5. Your mother's ability to stay connected to people that matter

(she's the only one out of the two of them that has friends, really)

To future Rachel, things NOT to learn from your parents: 

1. Your father's temper

(the way he throws around his anger onto people that actually care about him)

2. Your father's sense of entitlement 

(the way he fights with people on the road and becomes aggressive when people argue back)

3. Your mother's silence 

(there is a fine line between tolerance and letting him have his way) 

4. The way your father expresses himself 

(you know when he's in a good mood, everything goes. But when things go south, nothing works out and we're the ones at fault)

5. Your mother's words when she tells you, "women have to stay silent when the man in the house speaks." 

I hope that future Rachel will remember how your mother sat on our bed tonight, with tears in her eyes after a big fight with dad and when I asked her how she was feeling, she shrugged and said, " I just feel disappointed in him when he's like that." 

She had a bitter laugh and told me, "so choose your husband wisely. There are only drunkards, short tempered, or cheating men." By then I was looking into her tired eyes that were glazed with a sheet of tears waiting to roll down her face but she held them back. He is her husband after all. 

My eyes welled up with tears at that point and I shook my head, "no Ma, if that's it then I don't ever want to get married." 

She got up from my bed and she told me, "you just make sure you don't marry someone as angry as your father." 

I Can't Make You Love Me ; You Can't Tell Me About The Love I Deserve

"He was right. In every city I go, every person I come across, every song that hangs in the air – he’s everywhere. He never leaves. But he’s a ghost. Someone who is there, but I can barely talk to. Someone who I desperately need, but cannot desire. It’s impossible to always be in love with a ghost."

Rej Jaen, On Loving Ghosts

I need you I want you I miss you I - 

I don't want you but I want you 

I want you so so much because I believe that we can be good together 

but you also told me that you think you don't deserve me 

but you also told me that night, that I can't tell you who you love and 

you said you loved me 

and I wish I had the guts to tell you that 

you can't tell me who I deserve 

because you're beginning to become the first person I think of when I wake

and the last person on my mind 

with everything in between 

and two nights ago I had a nightmare that you wrote me a letter 

bidding farewell for the second time and you ended off your letter with,

"you were a good memory." 

I don't want to be a good memory 

I want to be more than that

and I want to know what it's like to be completely 

happy with you

but what am I supposed to do when you feel like

you can't ever make me happy

and what am I supposed to tell you 

to make you love me enough 

to try?

I can't. 

To Soak In & To Let Out

I say words I don't mean and make decisions I can't bear to make -
just like how we both make promises we can't keep.

Maybe if I took the three days off from work next week to just spend one day and feel everything that I let myself feel -
to soak in and simultaneously let out all these unnecessary... things, then perhaps I'll be good as new again.

I am just so tired from everything and going through the motions never felt this empty and hard all at once.

7 Jan 2016: You Came To Find Me (With A Flu, Fever and Cough)

complete word vomit but have you ever had that feeling where you were just so present in the moment, where you have that sudden realisation, enlightenment- an epiphany, almost, about where you are and who you're with and what you're doing? 

I had that tonight, when you were telling me about something - I swear I was paying attention but suddenly everything became muted and I was just taking in everything else. The way you looked, the way your hands were telling the story as excitedly as the tone of your voice, the way the street light cast a shadow on a part of your face, and if I moved I would realise that it was my shadow.... I could go on and on about that moment, but I can't seem to translate into words. 

It was almost like looking at you and suddenly everything else faded away. Cheesy, romanticised (maybe) but I know what I felt and I know what I saw and that moment in time is something I want to screenshot, record and play it over and over and over again in my head until the sun rises tomorrow. 

Just for tonight. Just for tonight, I'll let myself love you again. 

Greed

I think that's the problem with everything - people get too greedy once they've had a taste of something good. It's been a really good December, and I'm a little bit too sad to let it all go. Decembers has always been my kind of month ever since I was growing up, you see. 

It was a second chance that none of us expected, and I thought that this was something that was finally mine to keep. It's funny how it started off with a drunken kiss and ended off with one as well, accompanied by fumbling hands and quick kisses in my own bathroom on new years' eve. "Let's do this sober," you said while your hands were finding their way to the right positions. We ended the first day of 2016 with a long talk, both of us drunk off our faces but somehow trying to speak with clarity and demanding dazed eye contacts from one another. 

This whole whirlwind of an experience that has gone on for nearly 3 years has definitely made it to one of the most memorable experiences of my life. The highest highs and I've been in the lowest of lows. I've felt a bit of what being loved and loving someone feels like, and also having your heart completely shattered by the same person who is able to make you feel as though you are their everything. 

This month was everything that I would have never dared to dream of in a million years. She came back to me and I have never felt happier, contented and comfortable. It's almost like coming home. Soon enough, I became greedy with the thoughts of wanting something more, almost recklessly wanting and needing someone that could never be mine to begin with. 

Yesterday she told me that she can't hold me back and she can't get over the fear of fucking things up between us because I am someone she loves too much. She tried to also explain to me why she did what she did 3 years ago to me, and I still can't believe that I teared up even thinking about it. I told her that she is someone the only one I wouldn't mind putting my heart on the line again for - call it being stupid, but I could do that again and again and again, and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to try even if I told her that she is enough for me. We saw things differently and eventually, coming to a conclusion that preventing the worst consequence from happening is something we both wanted to do and the only way to do so is to remain as friends. We fell silent for a bit and both our answers to the question of, "are you happy?" was just a shrug and a grumble of "I don't know" accompanied with a long sigh. 

Over our long conversations and hearty laughs we shared yesterday, we stumbled across Orchard Road being closed for the evening and families and couples were hogging up the whole street and there were tons of things for us to look at. It just felt a little bit of a waste that we were now friends and we couldn't walk down Orchard Road like a couple and I couldn't hold her like I wanted to. 

I got greedy again. 

For one last time, till we reach the end of the street, I thought we could just go back to how it was like when we were dating. I hesitated with this thought but I asked her eventually. And so easily, with a slight chuckle and a soft "okay", her hand slipped right into mine and it felt alright again. Things were what I wished for it to be. That walk down orchard road was probably one of the best times I've spent at Orchard in my life. We sang loudly to chart toppers blasting from the speakers on the side of the road and dodged little kids running around with our hands held tight. When we reached the end of the road, I kept telling myself that this is it this is really it. We both knew it. It was an inside joke when I told her "how about we stand here kiss one time and see what happens", we both laughed and eventually had our lips meet for the last time in the middle of orchard road. It was a soft kiss that felt like it was a whisper of a million apologies and confessions that we never dared to speak of because we were always too cautious. We held each other in a long embrace, and to put it bluntly and honestly, I was sad. I cried and I couldn't stop crying. I managed to catch a glimpse of a few worried looks that were looking at me, but I didn't care. This was our moment and I was savouring every part of it. She wiped my tears again for me, the third time she has ever done so. "Don't cry, I'm still here. I'll always be here." was one of the saddest yet one of the most reassuring things I've heard. 

So that was it. The best walk down Orchard Road ever. It was filled with a lot of fun and a bit of tears while bidding farewell to the idea/wish of having someone like her as mine to keep. 

This is me attempting to write the last page of this long chapter in my book and in a few years' time, maybe I'll stumble across this blog post and recall everything beautiful about this memory I want to keep. 

Here's a little secret:

I will be contented if our lips ever meet again even if we aren't sober because at least, I will know that you still want me as much as I want you. That whole feeling of being temporarily permanent has never been so appropriate to use as a description, but I would deem December 2015, and this thought of always wanting to have you to keep, as something that is temporarily permanent. 

Ooops, look at this.

I'm being greedy again.

I'll always miss you.